The Wedding Dance

I can only imagine what she was thinking as she danced with her son on his wedding day.  Beaming with pride she smiled up at him as the song played lyrics I was all too familiar with.  As tears fell down my cheeks and the faces around me finally registered what was happening the reality hit me like freight train.  I will never dance with my son at his wedding. I will never see him get married or grow into the man that he was meant to be. The pain tares at my heart and shreds it to pieces.  A tradition that will be played out at every wedding I will attend from now until the last day of my life will ALWAYS break my heart in two.  A moment that fills the grooms mother with so much love, pride, and happiness brings pain, tears, and sadness to those who will never have that experience.  I never fully understood the impact such a tradition would have on me now that my son is gone. This is the reality of grief and loss. So many things are hard.  So many things are painful and hit you out of nowhere. I hate suicide and what it took from me.  It's part of the grief journey.

Depression Lies

It can be painful and frustrating to try to help someone who won't help themselves or won't accept help they need. Depression lies to those who are living with it. Depression tells you that you are not good enough. It tells you that you don't need medication. It tells you to isolate yourself and stay away from those who offer them help. Depression tells you that you are better off alone, that you are not worthy of any help. It tells you that you can fight this on your own, that you won't loose control again. Depression tells you that it will never get better, that you will feel this way forever.

Why do we believe this, why do we not accept help that's offered? I believe its because we don’t want people to see us in our weakest state or because we are avoiding opening ourselves up for real and meaningful conversations because it hurts. Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable is difficult. Our instinct is to shut down in order to protect ourselves. I have watched people I care for deeply exclude themselves from events to stay home by themselves.

So why it is that I am so open to accepting the love and support of others around me during the most difficult times of my life? Believe it or not, I fight the same fight daily. My instinct is to close down and curl up in my bed and steer clear from everyone and anyone, however I know in my heart and mind that is completely unhealthy for me. I often tell people if I allow myself to be consumed by the thoughts and feelings in my head that I would fall deeply into a dark hole and there may be no pulling me back out. Being surrounded by loved ones and fellow believers reminds me why life is still worth living and gives me a purpose.

People should NEVER isolate themselves from other people. How do I know this? Because I saw my son isolate himself and we all know how that turned out. It’s not only dangerous but unhealthy. How are we to help others or allow others to help us if we separate ourselves from family, friends, and those who can help us?

God did not make us to be alone. We are all part of the body of Christ and we are told to have fellowship with one another. Would Satan rather come after a group of believers having fellowship and building each other up in Christ or would he rather come after a struggling loner? When we isolate ourselves we open up the door for Satan to attack our thoughts and mind. His goal is to tear us down and make us believe we are unworthy. Unfortunately He succeeded with Tommy but I will speak up against this so it doesn't happen to someone else We need to continually surround ourselves with fellow believers who will love on us and build us up when we are struggling through life’s difficult circumstances and at our weakest. But we have to fight against the pull to isolate ourselves. We need to surround ourselves with those who will help and open ourselves up to be helped. We need to embrace those around us. Fight the lies with truth.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

Spiritual Warfare in the Garden

I have a love hate relationship with my garden.  I know it seems it like an odd thing to say. Growing up my grandpa, my moms dad, had a huge garden.  I remember going there and him teaching me how to weed, pick veggies and fruit.  My grandpa had a gentle touch with the earth. 

I planted my first garden the summer of 2013 with my mom.  As my mom and I planted the garden we shared stories about my grandpa and it is a memory I will always cherish.  My mom died that winter.

The following year I planted the garden again remembering the time I had with my mom.  I felt as though when I am planting and tending to the garden it connects me to my mom and grandpa in some way.  Then late summer of 2014 I lost my son, Tommy.  My fruits of the garden went unused and untended for the remainder of the summer.  

Early summer 2015, I found the energy to plant a garden once again and early July 2015 we lost our son's best friend Keegan.  Again the garden went untended and unused.  My head began to connect planting the garden with the deaths.  Realistically there is absolutely no connection to planting the garden and people I love dying, but my brain decided to think differently.  So in 2016, I refused to plant a garden because I felt like if I did someone close to me would die.  No one died.  

So here we are in 2017 and I have been mentally and spiritually battling a fight in my head to decide whether or not to plant again this year or not.  I rationalize many different things and scenarios and decided that I was not going to allow Satan to win this fight.  I would not fear my garden or believe the lies.  I made the decision to plant my garden.  So as I began planting the spiritual warfare began. I began playing my Christian music and repeating my God is a good-good God.  As I planted I remembered the times I spent planting and picking fruits of the garden with my mom and grandpa.  I prayed and asked God to bless my garden. 

Never did I think I would be in a spiritual warfare in my garden but I was.  It reminded me how so many of us have fears that we don't even realize hold us back from doing what we are meant to do.  We often allow our fears to hold us back. 

Many of us fear we are not enough. I fear not being skinny enough...pretty enough...smart enough...my blog is not good enough. Fear is a liar! I am enough. You are enough! God has made us exactly who we are and put us exactly where we need to be. Fear steals our joy. I find joy in gardening and it brings back good memories yet somehow gardening became a fear because it was somehow connected to death.  That is most certainly not what God intended for any of us. God doesn't want our joy to be stolen. God doesn’t want us to feel in adequate or subpar, He wants us to shine bright and live extraordinary lives. 

Many fear bringing up Tommy's name because they feel it will be hurtful or cause us pain. It's actually the opposite, we want Tommy's name mentioned, his memory to live on, to know people care, and to keep the dialogue open on topics like suicide, mental illness, addiction, and any other stigmas. This fear should not hold you back from speaking his name. I tell people to act on their thoughts of the heart no matter what fears you might have. If you feel lead to talk about something, or do something for someone, then do it because if you don't you could be depriving someone else from a blessing.

I conquered my fear of planting a garden again and I pray that the garden will grow abundantly and there will be no deaths this year.  What fear do you need to conquer? 

My un-expert opinion on suicide and the effects of it

I am no expert and this is just thoughts and opinion based on my own experience and in speaking with several dozen individuals who have attempted or been suicidal themselves.  I hope that this helps maybe explain in some degree why and how suicide happens. 

First, I have to say that I have found through my own experience and that of many others who have lost loved ones that is can happen to ANYONE.  Suicide does not discriminate by age, race, beliefs, social status, or family dynamics.  Suicide happens to young, middle aged, old, Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, Asian, Christians, non-believers, rich, poor, middle class, whole supportive families, and broken families.  Often times those we lose to suicide are the ones who walked around with the biggest smiles, full of life, and always willing to help others.  Often times those we lose to suicide accepted Jesus into their life and love the Lord.  Often times those who lose their life to suicide are from loving and highly involved families.  Often times those who lose their life to suicide have an underlying diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness such as depression.  This is not always the case and sometimes there are no signs or warning and it is simply an impulsive reaction to a circumstance or situation that no one could begin to expect or be prepared for. 

I have learned from many who share their stories that when a person becomes suicidal all they see is black.  All they see is the pain they are feeling in that moment.  All they feel is that pain causes those they love pain.  They cannot see the future.  They cannot see the past.  They can only see that moment.  It is almost as if something short circuits in their brain and for some it lasts a few seconds, some it lasts a few minutes or hours.  In that time of blackness they feel there is absolutely no other option to make them feel better or their families to not share in their pain, but to die.  We all know otherwise, but they do not see any other way.  And the truth is, if they are alone in those moments of blackness and pain their thoughts control their actions and they often succeed in ending their pain and life.  They did not cause the short circuit in their brain.  They did not ask for it.  Who knows what causes it….studies show diet, environmental, family history, life circumstances, maturity, and so many other things play a factor. 

What I do know is that moment of darkness does not define who they really where as a person.  It does not define the type of son, daughter, husband, wife, sister, brother, mother, father, or friend they were.  It does not take away their accomplishments or relationships they had with others.  The person they were when they were in the light of the world is who they truly are.  The person they were when they played the sport they excelled in is who they truly are.  The person they were when they played with their little sister and laughed with their friend is who they truly are.  Please don’t ever forget that.  Remember them for who they were in all the moments leading up to that darkness.  Do not remember them for those moments that were out of their control. 

I don’t know all the answers to why suicide happens and I wish with all my heart that is didn’t.  I wish I still had my son Tommy here with us and all the others who have lost their lives to suicide.  I wish that the pain, questions, regrets, and blame the family and friends are left with didn’t have to exist at all.  I work tirelessly with many others to try and make a difference, but it’s not enough. We need everyone, we need a community to take a stand and work to make a difference by fighting for resources, education, and laws that will help reduce the numbers of lives we are losing to suicide. 

Today I send my love and prayers to all the families and friends who are hurting and trying to make sense of something that just can't make sense.  My heart breaks for each of you and for my own family who still struggles over the great loss of a life gone to soon.

Two years since that day....

TWO YEARS… Where do I even start?  It feel like yesterday, but it also feels like an eternity.  The longing and loss of hugging you and seeing your face light up in that big smile that would make my heart overflow seems unbearable at times.  Although life continues for us here, there is never a day or moment that passes that you are not missed or thought of.  I have found that there is much truth to the saying “where there is deep grief, there was great love.”  Grief and Love are one in the same and just because my beautiful boy has died, our love for him will never end and neither will our grief over losing him.

I have I have come to understand that I will never be the person I used to be.  That person is gone forever.  Losing a child by suicide creates an enormous sense of fear and guilt.  Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind.  I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to take action.  Instead of allowing the fear to control me, to paralyze me, I have learned to use its energy to take action and make a difference.  I have discovered that it’s ok to ask for help.  We can’t get through this alone.

I recognize there will never be a holiday, birthday, or anniversary that passes where I don’t yearn for you to be a part of it and wish that you were here with us.  I often find myself in a daze, living in this life, but thinking and wondering about the life that could have been.  The memories and dreams that will never be fulfilled.  The important events that you will not take part in. 

I have realized that with a faith foundation in Christ, I am able to survive anything – even the unimaginable.  I now understand I am stronger then I think because of the strength Christ provides me.  I have learned that God’s grace and mercy are greater than I could ever fully understand. 

I have discovered that true friends will always be there for you and make supporting you in your grief a priority knowing they can never fully understand the pain you feel, but always wanting to be by your side to walk through it with you.  I have learned that many people don’t understand that a loss like this is not something you can simply get over or move on from.  I have realized the amount of love and support we receive from friends and the blessing of having a granddaughter that reminds us of her daddy helps to ease the pain, but our son and the love I shared with him is irreplaceable. 

I have learned to live in appreciation of what I have each and every day and to forgive quickly.  Another valuable thing I have learned is knowledge is power and it’s up to us to gain knowledge, ask questions, and increase our understanding.  No matter how difficult this journey has been I have learned that facing death with grace is the realization of life.  We have the choice of making every minute count with the people we love and valuing them and our lives in a way we never did before.  The pain and loss of my son’s death will always remain, but our grief can be transformed into grace.  My son’s memory reminds me to live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granted.  His memory reminds me to let those whom I love know how much they mean to me.  His memory reminds me how temporary life is and how privileged I am to be blessed with amazing family and friends.  His memory gives me a purpose in this new life I am forced to live without him.

TWO YEARS and I am sure we will have to experience many more…None of them will be easy, each of them will take us back to that day when our lives where forever changed and our heart crushed into pieces.  I know you are at peace.  I know you no longer feel pain.  I know that our God has freed you of all your illness and suffering.  I know that you or God send us signs to remind us that you are ok and we don’t need to worry about you.  I know that your memory and the Holy Spirit in us allows us to feel your presence near every day.  I am thankful and grateful that you are at peace, but I will always miss you every single moment of the day. 

 

Fear or Faith

On Sunday our Pastor preached on Fear and Faith.  These two things really hit close to home for me in so many ways.  It got me thinking about how grateful I am for my faith and how without it I am not sure I would still be here today.


I feared a lot of things on August 18, 2014 when I found my son Tommy’s lifeless body after he hung himself.   Since that day my fears have been something I have struggled with continuously.  I feared that this loss would crush us all.  I feared that I would not be able to survive the pain I felt as my heart broke into a million pieces.  I feared that no one would care.  I feared that you would go to hell for taking your own life.  I feared that I would never find joy in my life again.  I feared that your baby daughter would never know her Daddy.  I feared everyone would forget the good things about you and only remember the bad.  I feared I would forget your smell, forget the way your hugs felt, forget the way your hair smelled when I kissed your head, forget the sound of your voice when you said “I love you mom”. I feared that you may not be in heaven with our God.  I feared that I would never be able to get the image of how you looked that day out of my head.  I feared that my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing because the pain of losing you was so great.  I feared that people would wonder what kind of parent I was.  I feared that if this could happen to my son, this could happen to anyone I love.  I feared that the pain I was feeling might get so great that I would someday want to join my son. 

How do you react to fear?  How will you react to fear when your world comes crashing down around you? 

I remember hearing scripture repeated in my ear as I cried out to God that day.  God’s word and Spirit helped keep me going during a time I wanted to give up. 

Psalm 56:3-4  When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise – In God I trust and am not afraid. 

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, because I’m with you; don’t be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I’m truly helping you. I’m surely upholding you with my victorious right hand.”

Deuteronomy 31:8  The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

1 Thessalonians 3:7  So we have been greatly encouraged in the midst of our troubles and suffering, dear brothers and sisters, because you have remained strong in your faith.

Mark 4:40  He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

I realized in those moments that the foundation I had built on Jesus Christ, the faith I had in His promises, and the trust I had in His word would be the only thing that could get me through this great loss.  I would cling to it with the little bit of strength I had in order to survive for my family and to keep my son’s name and memory alive. 

I have seen firsthand that God provides us strength and peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I have personally felt how God comforts and restores those with a broken spirit and heart.  I know in my heart that our Lord comforts those who are crushed in spirit and may feel the only option is to end their life because of his word and because His son Jesus died for ALL our sins.

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Revelation 21:4  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Psalm 73:26  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I remember that day and the days following asking God to give me strength and show me the purpose in the pain.  I refused to allow this horrible situation destroy me.  I know that Satan thought he could win the battle with me and my son, but little did he know that we accepted and love an awesome God that will not forsake or leave us even after we have sinned because the Lord knows our hearts. 

FAITH.  I decided that I would continue on and with Each Breath of Faith I would remember, honor, and love my son just as I did while he was alive.  FAITH is the answer to FEAR.  There are going to be things that will happen in our life that will evoke a fear and if we allow it, it will control and possible ruin our life and steal our joy.  However, Gods word is our refuge and His promises give us faith to believe He is with us always and will turn even the worst circumstances into something good if we allow Him to control our hearts and His word to control our minds. 

2 Corinthians 5:7  For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the assurances of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 

Matthew 17:20  For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move”, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. 

If we believe in God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ... we HAVE to believe in His promises and the love he has for us and in doing so have FAITH that not only will our God comfort our loved ones who were hurting so deeply that they take their own life to end the pain, but that He will comfort us as well. 

How will you respond to FEAR?  I hope that you respond in FAITH. 

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave or forsake you.

Life is short - Guard your heart

Life is short.  I have experienced more loss in my life then I could ever imagine.  Since losing my mom, three years ago; my son, Tommy, almost two years ago; and then our “other son”, Keegan almost a year ago my priorities and relationships have changed dramatically.   I do not and will not waste my time with people who are rude, mean, and hurtful.  At all odds I protect myself and my family from people like this in our life.  We are fragile and will continue to be for a long time because of what we have been through and the deep grief we feel. 

Believe it or not there are a lot of selfish people in the world that don’t care or make time for you even though they call themselves family or friends.  There are also family and friends who can’t let go of things in the past and continue to try and hurt you or cause drama because they have nothing better to do with their time.  I don’t have time for that nor do I or anyone else in my family deserve that.  I don’t hate those people and I would never be rude to them in return, but I will avoid them like the plague to protect myself and my family.  What I have learned is that if you allow yourself to be around people who are toxic, full of drama, and bad influence it will affect you negatively whether you are a part of it or not, just being around it can cause unseen damage.  We all have enough drama, pain, and hurt in our lives we don’t need to add to it by feeling like we have to be in relationships with individuals just because they are family and/or a “friend”. 

What is a family or friend in my book?  It’s someone who is always there for you and makes time for you because you are important to them.  It’s someone who treats you the same no matter who else they are around.  It’s someone who doesn’t judge, always listens, and loves you unconditionally.  It’s someone whom you can trust and who trusts you.  It’s someone who includes you in their lives and wants to be a part of yours.  It’s someone who would drop anything at any time to be there in a crisis and stand by your side through it all.  It’s someone who will always have your back and not allow others to speak of you negatively.  It’s someone who when your around they want to be around you just as much. 

Death has changed me.  Experiencing five major losses in 5 years can do that to a person; to a family.  Our hearts have grown in humility for those who are broken, hurting, and emotionally and mentally struggling.  Our thoughts and words have become tenderer, thoughtful, understanding, and patient.  Our eyes have become more open, honest, and searching for the signs arounds us.  Although we are called to LOVE everyone as Jesus loved us, we also need to guard our hearts from those whose selfish ambitions and hurtful words can cause us or our family harm.