My precious son...

Every day I live with the horror of finding my son the day he took his life to suicide.  There are so many times I have thought about what I could have said or done to stop my son, to save him, to get through to him how much he was loved and needed by so many, to fix the brokenness inside of him.  I know the torment my mind puts me through going over that day.  I know it doesn’t even come close to the pain he felt that morning and I am certain he didn’t really understand the effect his death would leave behind.  He didn’t realize the pain would be multiplied.

There is a sense of guilt that compounds the grief when the death is by suicide.  It’s like a boa constrictor tightening its grip and squeezing the life out of you.  There are so many things I wish I would have known, so many signs I should have seen.  I would have done anything to save my son.

Our world lost a boy with immense potential and endless possibilities, and a deep love for others.  He couldn’t see any of that through the veil of his depression.  But even though his life ended far too soon I believe that his purpose on earth was fulfilled.  He brought me so much joy and taught me to love deeper than I ever thought possible.  He was my hope and motivation during the loss of his father.        

Until this sort of loss happens to you, it’s easy to not recognize how big of an issue it is and put your head into the sand to how prevalent suicide is in our community.  I had no idea, until my son died, that suicide is the 2^nd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds and that boys are twice as likely to die by suicide.  I am now part of a community of people I never knew existed in our area, there are so many parents who have also lost their precious children to suicide. This community of survivors to suicide loss have become my support system, my hope.  We can survive this together and make a difference because we know and feel the pain together, we live through it, and we want more than anything to not have another family affected in this way.

I know there was a reason that I was the one who found him that day.  The fear gripping me, when I knew in my heart that he was gone but yet every shred of hope I had fought to not let go, so if there is any small chance he can survive he would.  It’s amazing how even when we know it is too late we do everything in our power to fight for that thread of a chance. 

Tommy’s funeral was one of the worst days of my life but filled with so many blessings as hundreds of friends and family surrounded us with love for him, for us.  The many weeks and months since have been filled with the grief roller coaster, painful flashbacks, heartfelt memories, and many situations and circumstances that I can’t even understand myself.  Going back to work, caring for my daughter and family, holding it together in public and in front of friends and family have been difficult at times but God gives me strength.  After many weeks the pressures begin to build and many we come in contact with begin to act as though our grief time should be over.  It will never be over!  Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for not being able to move on and other times I feel guilty for moving on.  It’s this constant play of grief, pain, guilt, and deep loss.  I loved my son with every part of me and he loved me too.  With great love comes great loss and grief. 

I found a purpose in making sure that our community hears my cry, hears my voice about breaking the stigma of mental illness and suicide, so that we can start to support those who need it most.  We have to change this in order to make it possible for those who are hurting to reach out and get the help that they so desperately need, before it is too late.  We are losing too many sons and daughters, beautiful souls. 

I thank God every chance I get for the time I had with my beautiful son, for the purpose He instilled in me to fight this battle and continue the journey to make changes, not only for myself but for the many other families who have been affected.  My precious son is gone from this life but stands with me every day as I Fight For Tommy and for all those who have lost their battle to suicide. 

 

Enough

I have been judged by many because my son took his life by suicide.  People question my parental skills for my child to do such a thing.  People question my faith because I don’t attend church every single Sunday. 

Well here is what I know…. I loved my son with all my heart and never gave up on him and supported him through every trial.  I never judged him, I just loved him and tried to support and help him whenever I could.  I did everything I knew and everything I could to help him.  My son did not develop a mental illness because I lacked as a parent.  It was something I had no control over. 

Every day I pray and give my life to Jesus, I don’t have to be in a church building to do that.  Every day I try to live like Jesus and love others the way Jesus did and I don’t have to be in a church building to do that.  Why do we spend so much time judging and trying to make people fit into the box we think they should fit in?  Why do we not trust that God has each of where we are for His purpose and reasons?  Why do we think everyone has to fit a certain mold to be right for the job?  What gives us the right to judge and criticize anyone?  God made us and we are ENOUGH! 

We are made to feel by so many factors around us that we are not enough.  This is where FEAR comes in. I fear not being skinny enough...pretty enough...smart enough...my blog is not good enough. Fear is a liar! I am enough. God has made me exactly how I am and put me exactly where I need to be. And with that being said, I am enough. This is how God made me...Therefore I am ENOUGH. My fears are lying to me.  Not only are they lying to me, they are stealing my joy. That's not what I want, and that is most certainly not what God intended for any of us. God doesn't want my joy or your joy to be stolen. God doesn’t want us to feel in adequate or subpar, He wants us to shine bright and live extraordinary lives. 

I have a big heart and a beautiful mind. I am me, a perfectly flawed work in progress. I try to always love others for where they are at and who they are and not for what I expect them to be.  When we try to force someone to become more like us, we rob them from being exactly who they were created to be.  I'm on a mission to raise the standards for how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat the world. There is way too much pain, hurt, judgment, and criticism in the world today and it costing us lives.  Every time we look in the mirror we need to remind ourselves that we are not alone, that we’re beautiful, that our voice matters, and that we are enough. We also need to start realizing that about those we come in contact with too!

A letter from Tommy

Hey guys, how’s it going?  It’s been over a year since I have seen you.  That’s because one day last August I got upset and felt like there was no meaning or hope in my life.  I felt like I was worthless and the world would be better off without me, so I took a belt and tied it around my neck and ended the pain that I was feeling.  I was not able to think about anything beyond the pain I was feeling in that moment.  The pain was unbearable.  I didn’t think about who would find me or the pain that this one act would cause to my family and friends.  I didn’t want anyone to find me, especially my mother because I now know the pain and agony that day and her seeing me like that will cause her the rest of her life.  I didn’t stop to wonder if there was another option because this was the only option I saw.  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to end the intense pain.

I have now missed my 20^th Birthday, Christmas with my family, my mom, dad, and sister’s birthdays, supporting my sister for her dance competition and school activities, and so much more.  I wasn’t able to go camping with my family (not that I really like the outdoors anyway), attend concerts, play with my dogs, or do all the fun activities with my family.  But mostly I missed seeing that beautiful daughter of mine born.  I was there watching over her, but I couldn’t physically support Cassie or cut the cord of my baby girl.  I was so happy to see my best friend Keegan there to support Cassie when I couldn’t.  I am so thankful that Esperanza, our HOPE, is with you all now so that you have a piece of me to help you smile.  I will never know what the future could have held for me.  There are so many things I never had the chance to say to so many people.  I hope you all know how much I loved you in my own way and appreciated each of you in my life.  I know I was loved deeply by many even though at the time I couldn’t see it.

I do know that I have caused my family incredible pain and suffering and that my Mom, Dad, Brother Mike, Sister, and daughter will never get over me leaving them.  They will never fully understand why I did what I did not matter how hard they try.  I know that my Mom suffers from PTSD and has anxiety attacks now because of me.  I know that I ruined my sisters first day of her junior year and that my sister refuses to talk about losing me, hates how sad it is for her and often cries alone more than she should.  I know that my Dad and Brother both deal with depression and deep guilt over what I did and even understand because they feel that pain too.  I know that Cassie doesn’t know what to do or feel most of the time and has guilt too.  I know I will never be able to take that trip for my 21^st Birthday with my family to Vegas.  But no one is to blame, not even me.  I had a mental illness.  I died from an illness caused by an imbalance of certain chemicals in my brain.  I really had no control over my own mind at that point because if I had been able to think past the pain, I would have realized that my daughter needed me, my sister needed me, and my family and friends would be devastated without me. 

I cannot believe how wrong I was to react the way I did.  I wish I would have called my mom, because I know she would have come in an instant and stood by my side to get me all the help I needed to recover from this illness.  I should have taken the anti-depressant medication that was prescribed to me weeks earlier instead of using drugs to cope with the pain.  I should have talked to my friends and family about what I was really feeling instead of trying to act like I was ok.  I should have made my relationship with God a priority over my relationships with others.  I wish I would have taken my illness more seriously and received the help that was needed to make me healthy again, but I didn’t and now it’s too late.  It’s not too late for you though!  PLEASE be open and honest about your struggles.  Reach out to those you love and ask for help!  Listen to your doctor and know that it is OK to take medication for an illness.  It’s OK to seek professional help if you feel like your life is worthless, because it’s NOT.  Don’t leave your family and friends behind.  Don’t miss out on birthdays, holidays, and family trips.  DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your mental illness and seek help before it’s too late. 

Well I have to go for now, got work to do up here in heaven!  I’ll be seeing you, even though you can’t see me you will know I am with you always!

Love ya, Tommy