My un-expert opinion on suicide and the effects of it

I am no expert and this is just thoughts and opinion based on my own experience and in speaking with several dozen individuals who have attempted or been suicidal themselves.  I hope that this helps maybe explain in some degree why and how suicide happens. 

First, I have to say that I have found through my own experience and that of many others who have lost loved ones that is can happen to ANYONE.  Suicide does not discriminate by age, race, beliefs, social status, or family dynamics.  Suicide happens to young, middle aged, old, Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, Asian, Christians, non-believers, rich, poor, middle class, whole supportive families, and broken families.  Often times those we lose to suicide are the ones who walked around with the biggest smiles, full of life, and always willing to help others.  Often times those we lose to suicide accepted Jesus into their life and love the Lord.  Often times those who lose their life to suicide are from loving and highly involved families.  Often times those who lose their life to suicide have an underlying diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness such as depression.  This is not always the case and sometimes there are no signs or warning and it is simply an impulsive reaction to a circumstance or situation that no one could begin to expect or be prepared for. 

I have learned from many who share their stories that when a person becomes suicidal all they see is black.  All they see is the pain they are feeling in that moment.  All they feel is that pain causes those they love pain.  They cannot see the future.  They cannot see the past.  They can only see that moment.  It is almost as if something short circuits in their brain and for some it lasts a few seconds, some it lasts a few minutes or hours.  In that time of blackness they feel there is absolutely no other option to make them feel better or their families to not share in their pain, but to die.  We all know otherwise, but they do not see any other way.  And the truth is, if they are alone in those moments of blackness and pain their thoughts control their actions and they often succeed in ending their pain and life.  They did not cause the short circuit in their brain.  They did not ask for it.  Who knows what causes it….studies show diet, environmental, family history, life circumstances, maturity, and so many other things play a factor. 

What I do know is that moment of darkness does not define who they really where as a person.  It does not define the type of son, daughter, husband, wife, sister, brother, mother, father, or friend they were.  It does not take away their accomplishments or relationships they had with others.  The person they were when they were in the light of the world is who they truly are.  The person they were when they played the sport they excelled in is who they truly are.  The person they were when they played with their little sister and laughed with their friend is who they truly are.  Please don’t ever forget that.  Remember them for who they were in all the moments leading up to that darkness.  Do not remember them for those moments that were out of their control. 

I don’t know all the answers to why suicide happens and I wish with all my heart that is didn’t.  I wish I still had my son Tommy here with us and all the others who have lost their lives to suicide.  I wish that the pain, questions, regrets, and blame the family and friends are left with didn’t have to exist at all.  I work tirelessly with many others to try and make a difference, but it’s not enough. We need everyone, we need a community to take a stand and work to make a difference by fighting for resources, education, and laws that will help reduce the numbers of lives we are losing to suicide. 

Today I send my love and prayers to all the families and friends who are hurting and trying to make sense of something that just can't make sense.  My heart breaks for each of you and for my own family who still struggles over the great loss of a life gone to soon.

Two years since that day....

TWO YEARS… Where do I even start?  It feel like yesterday, but it also feels like an eternity.  The longing and loss of hugging you and seeing your face light up in that big smile that would make my heart overflow seems unbearable at times.  Although life continues for us here, there is never a day or moment that passes that you are not missed or thought of.  I have found that there is much truth to the saying “where there is deep grief, there was great love.”  Grief and Love are one in the same and just because my beautiful boy has died, our love for him will never end and neither will our grief over losing him.

I have I have come to understand that I will never be the person I used to be.  That person is gone forever.  Losing a child by suicide creates an enormous sense of fear and guilt.  Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind.  I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to take action.  Instead of allowing the fear to control me, to paralyze me, I have learned to use its energy to take action and make a difference.  I have discovered that it’s ok to ask for help.  We can’t get through this alone.

I recognize there will never be a holiday, birthday, or anniversary that passes where I don’t yearn for you to be a part of it and wish that you were here with us.  I often find myself in a daze, living in this life, but thinking and wondering about the life that could have been.  The memories and dreams that will never be fulfilled.  The important events that you will not take part in. 

I have realized that with a faith foundation in Christ, I am able to survive anything – even the unimaginable.  I now understand I am stronger then I think because of the strength Christ provides me.  I have learned that God’s grace and mercy are greater than I could ever fully understand. 

I have discovered that true friends will always be there for you and make supporting you in your grief a priority knowing they can never fully understand the pain you feel, but always wanting to be by your side to walk through it with you.  I have learned that many people don’t understand that a loss like this is not something you can simply get over or move on from.  I have realized the amount of love and support we receive from friends and the blessing of having a granddaughter that reminds us of her daddy helps to ease the pain, but our son and the love I shared with him is irreplaceable. 

I have learned to live in appreciation of what I have each and every day and to forgive quickly.  Another valuable thing I have learned is knowledge is power and it’s up to us to gain knowledge, ask questions, and increase our understanding.  No matter how difficult this journey has been I have learned that facing death with grace is the realization of life.  We have the choice of making every minute count with the people we love and valuing them and our lives in a way we never did before.  The pain and loss of my son’s death will always remain, but our grief can be transformed into grace.  My son’s memory reminds me to live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granted.  His memory reminds me to let those whom I love know how much they mean to me.  His memory reminds me how temporary life is and how privileged I am to be blessed with amazing family and friends.  His memory gives me a purpose in this new life I am forced to live without him.

TWO YEARS and I am sure we will have to experience many more…None of them will be easy, each of them will take us back to that day when our lives where forever changed and our heart crushed into pieces.  I know you are at peace.  I know you no longer feel pain.  I know that our God has freed you of all your illness and suffering.  I know that you or God send us signs to remind us that you are ok and we don’t need to worry about you.  I know that your memory and the Holy Spirit in us allows us to feel your presence near every day.  I am thankful and grateful that you are at peace, but I will always miss you every single moment of the day. 

 

Fear or Faith

On Sunday our Pastor preached on Fear and Faith.  These two things really hit close to home for me in so many ways.  It got me thinking about how grateful I am for my faith and how without it I am not sure I would still be here today.


I feared a lot of things on August 18, 2014 when I found my son Tommy’s lifeless body after he hung himself.   Since that day my fears have been something I have struggled with continuously.  I feared that this loss would crush us all.  I feared that I would not be able to survive the pain I felt as my heart broke into a million pieces.  I feared that no one would care.  I feared that you would go to hell for taking your own life.  I feared that I would never find joy in my life again.  I feared that your baby daughter would never know her Daddy.  I feared everyone would forget the good things about you and only remember the bad.  I feared I would forget your smell, forget the way your hugs felt, forget the way your hair smelled when I kissed your head, forget the sound of your voice when you said “I love you mom”. I feared that you may not be in heaven with our God.  I feared that I would never be able to get the image of how you looked that day out of my head.  I feared that my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing because the pain of losing you was so great.  I feared that people would wonder what kind of parent I was.  I feared that if this could happen to my son, this could happen to anyone I love.  I feared that the pain I was feeling might get so great that I would someday want to join my son. 

How do you react to fear?  How will you react to fear when your world comes crashing down around you? 

I remember hearing scripture repeated in my ear as I cried out to God that day.  God’s word and Spirit helped keep me going during a time I wanted to give up. 

Psalm 56:3-4  When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise – In God I trust and am not afraid. 

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, because I’m with you; don’t be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I’m truly helping you. I’m surely upholding you with my victorious right hand.”

Deuteronomy 31:8  The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

1 Thessalonians 3:7  So we have been greatly encouraged in the midst of our troubles and suffering, dear brothers and sisters, because you have remained strong in your faith.

Mark 4:40  He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

I realized in those moments that the foundation I had built on Jesus Christ, the faith I had in His promises, and the trust I had in His word would be the only thing that could get me through this great loss.  I would cling to it with the little bit of strength I had in order to survive for my family and to keep my son’s name and memory alive. 

I have seen firsthand that God provides us strength and peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I have personally felt how God comforts and restores those with a broken spirit and heart.  I know in my heart that our Lord comforts those who are crushed in spirit and may feel the only option is to end their life because of his word and because His son Jesus died for ALL our sins.

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Revelation 21:4  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Psalm 73:26  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I remember that day and the days following asking God to give me strength and show me the purpose in the pain.  I refused to allow this horrible situation destroy me.  I know that Satan thought he could win the battle with me and my son, but little did he know that we accepted and love an awesome God that will not forsake or leave us even after we have sinned because the Lord knows our hearts. 

FAITH.  I decided that I would continue on and with Each Breath of Faith I would remember, honor, and love my son just as I did while he was alive.  FAITH is the answer to FEAR.  There are going to be things that will happen in our life that will evoke a fear and if we allow it, it will control and possible ruin our life and steal our joy.  However, Gods word is our refuge and His promises give us faith to believe He is with us always and will turn even the worst circumstances into something good if we allow Him to control our hearts and His word to control our minds. 

2 Corinthians 5:7  For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the assurances of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 

Matthew 17:20  For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move”, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. 

If we believe in God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ... we HAVE to believe in His promises and the love he has for us and in doing so have FAITH that not only will our God comfort our loved ones who were hurting so deeply that they take their own life to end the pain, but that He will comfort us as well. 

How will you respond to FEAR?  I hope that you respond in FAITH. 

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave or forsake you.

Life is short - Guard your heart

Life is short.  I have experienced more loss in my life then I could ever imagine.  Since losing my mom, three years ago; my son, Tommy, almost two years ago; and then our “other son”, Keegan almost a year ago my priorities and relationships have changed dramatically.   I do not and will not waste my time with people who are rude, mean, and hurtful.  At all odds I protect myself and my family from people like this in our life.  We are fragile and will continue to be for a long time because of what we have been through and the deep grief we feel. 

Believe it or not there are a lot of selfish people in the world that don’t care or make time for you even though they call themselves family or friends.  There are also family and friends who can’t let go of things in the past and continue to try and hurt you or cause drama because they have nothing better to do with their time.  I don’t have time for that nor do I or anyone else in my family deserve that.  I don’t hate those people and I would never be rude to them in return, but I will avoid them like the plague to protect myself and my family.  What I have learned is that if you allow yourself to be around people who are toxic, full of drama, and bad influence it will affect you negatively whether you are a part of it or not, just being around it can cause unseen damage.  We all have enough drama, pain, and hurt in our lives we don’t need to add to it by feeling like we have to be in relationships with individuals just because they are family and/or a “friend”. 

What is a family or friend in my book?  It’s someone who is always there for you and makes time for you because you are important to them.  It’s someone who treats you the same no matter who else they are around.  It’s someone who doesn’t judge, always listens, and loves you unconditionally.  It’s someone whom you can trust and who trusts you.  It’s someone who includes you in their lives and wants to be a part of yours.  It’s someone who would drop anything at any time to be there in a crisis and stand by your side through it all.  It’s someone who will always have your back and not allow others to speak of you negatively.  It’s someone who when your around they want to be around you just as much. 

Death has changed me.  Experiencing five major losses in 5 years can do that to a person; to a family.  Our hearts have grown in humility for those who are broken, hurting, and emotionally and mentally struggling.  Our thoughts and words have become tenderer, thoughtful, understanding, and patient.  Our eyes have become more open, honest, and searching for the signs arounds us.  Although we are called to LOVE everyone as Jesus loved us, we also need to guard our hearts from those whose selfish ambitions and hurtful words can cause us or our family harm.

Words

I watch the world around me and the words that are said and it breaks my heart.  I don’t think people realize how important the words we speak are.  Our words can speak light into someone’s life or darkness into their soul.  Our words can literally mean life or death to someone.  In Proverbs it states that death and life are in the power of the tongue.  All it takes is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to push a person over the edge they may be standing on.  It happens every day.  And we have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life at any point in time. 

In Proverbs 15:4 we are told, “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”  If we allow words of encouragement to leave our lips it heals the one who receives it, but if we speak deceitful or hurtful words they break the spirit of the one who receives it.  Do we really want to break the spirit of our loved ones?  Do we want to break the spirit of a grieving parent?  Do we want to break the spirit of an individual with a physical disability or mental handicap?  Our words can lift a person up or bring them down to the ground in an instance. 

What would happen if the only words we spoke were encouraging words of life, hope, and truth?  What if the only words we spoke were the words of love, empathy, and grace?  Some people speak words just to hear themselves speak, but their words lack meaning and intent.  When we choose to speak love to inspire others we can make an incredible difference in the world.  Words of life is an act of compassion and love.  When we look into the eyes of the broken, the lost, and lonely hearted and speak life and love into them, it will make a change in not only their life, but your own.  Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

We all know there are so many broken people in the world.  Every day people around us are struggling in their marriage, in their finances, in their jobs, in so many aspects of their lives.  Why don’t we make a choice to show LOVE, EMPATHY, and COMPASSION to those around us?  What do I mean by this?  I mean slow down…don’t cut someone off, don’t scream or say choice words because the person in front of you is going too slow.  I mean be patient…when the person in line in front of you is writing a check instead of using cash or credit like the rest of the world.  I mean give recognition…. take time to express your gratitude and appreciation for those you work with instead of taking them for granted.  I mean be understanding….to others who don’t think or live like you do or have a different way of doing things. 

I see so many times where people feel they have a right to criticize, shame, and blame others like it’s their responsibility or duty.  No one has the right to do that.  Like I have said so many times before, we blame and shame ourselves enough that we don’t need others doing it for us. 

We all need to learn to love others for who they are and where they are at in their life.  Judge Less and Love More.  Most importantly, use words that build up and bring light instead of those that bring darkness and pain. 

The countdown to the end

In two weeks, my baby girl will graduate from high school – the countdown to the end. One by one, things are starting to end. And, with each of her senior lasts, she is one step closer to that moment that’s played in our head for years, walking across the stage on graduation day.

It’s a moment that the Class of 2016 has looked forward to since August.  But as the day’s inch closer and closer to May 31^st, a fact has become increasingly more real: Tommy won’t be there.

It’s something we are all struggling with. For us, graduation is a reminder of all the things he has missed and will miss.  It’s knowing that he won’t be there to watch his sister with that huge smile on his face. That he won’t be here to tease her insistently, and that the family pictures that are taken will feel incomplete.  Makaya won’t get a hug while hearing him tell her how proud he is of her, and he won’t be able to purposefully embarrass her just for laughs.

But it’s even more than all of that. It’s realizing that he will never know his sister as an adult. That he will miss not just her high school graduation, but her college graduation as well. It’s the fact that she has made decisions about her future and is moving on to create her own life. A life he will never know. 

Amidst all the excitement about graduating and moving on to new things is an underlying fear. As much as she has tried to embrace changes in her life, change still makes us all uneasy. Despite all of the changes that have occurred since Tommy died almost two years ago, these changes seem harder.  It scary to know that she will no longer be surrounded by family and friends on a day-to-day basis who support and love her.  I fear that it will be easier for her memories of him to fade.

Yet, I know she has become the person she is because of her deep loss. And I know he would be proud.  The truth is it’s hard to be thrilled for my baby girl this graduation because a part of our family is missing.  It’s more than just the emotions of her officially beginning a new chapter of her life, moving off to college, and becoming independent…..it’s that she is the only child I have left and I don’t want to let her go even though I know I have to. 

 

News Story - Local Mom Pushing for Suicide Prevention Education in Schools

Stateline News Story 041316

Live Unashamed

So many people I come in contact with are isolated and ashamed because of their circumstances.  Whether they are struggling with suicide loss, mental illness, addiction, bullying, or other painful circumstances they feel no one else should know about it.  They isolate themselves or their loved ones suffering in order to keep others from knowing their brokenness.  Why? Why do we feel like we can’t openly talk about our struggles?  Because of judgement?  If my child is an addict, does that make me look like a bad parent?  Because of embarrassment?  If I tell my parents the kids at school are bullying me will they call the school and embarrass me? Because of fear?  If my friends know I think about taking my life and cry all the time will they not want to be my friends anymore? 

We are not meant to live in isolation and we are not meant to live ashamed.  We are wired to be with other people. Close relationships and fellowship with one another is crucial. When we sit alone in our pain, it magnifies. Many of us build walls around ourselves to keep everyone out, so we won’t be hurt again. We isolate ourselves from people who can help.  But the walls that are built only add to the suffering. With no one to help shape our reality, no one to help us heal, or to see the pain and show us that they are loved anyway, hurt grows and healing remains intangible. Walls don’t so much prevent pain from coming in but instead keeps pain from ever leaving.

Even in the darkest room there is a crack of light that can seep through.  The cracks, our pain and hurt, are inevitable, but it is through them that growth happens, that light comes in. Pain will always be a part of life. But what we do with it, and how we respond to it, is what makes the difference. Are we focusing on the cracks, or are we focusing on the light, light that helps us to see, that allows us to grow?

When we make the decision to open ourselves up to others when we are hurting, or reach out when we encounter someone else in pain, we begin the healing process. Others help us make sense of our suffering, support us, and remind us that, broken as we are, we are still loved. It is through connecting with people, sharing our stories, that we find hope and healing.

I am not willing to let guilt or shame, associated with the stigma of suicide, stop me from speaking out and sharing with those around me.  I refuse to isolate myself from others due to fear of judgement.  If we do not talk about suicide, addiction, mental illness, or even bullying because we are ashamed, our pain or the pain of our loved one suffering will only grow, and we are essentially playing a part in it.  By living unashamed, talking about suicide and other stigmas and sharing our experience and pain, we can bring light and education to those around us. There are so many questions and things I do not understand, but I will never let my son Tommy’s suicide be for nothing and I refuse to be ashamed of any part of my son.  Please don’t isolate yourself when you or a loved one are struggling.  Please don’t be ashamed of your brokenness because we are all broken.  Allow those around you to know and help you through your struggles. 

Transforming Fear into Action

Does fear often control your decisions? Have you ever allowed fear to stop you from pursuing something you desire or something you feel called to do? 

Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind. 

I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to take action.  If I’m not afraid, then I am probably not growing.

In the first days after losing my son I literally had to remind myself to breath.  I felt controlled and suffocated by the fear that consumed me.  If my beautiful son could take his life by suicide then anyone could.  If his depression was so deep that I couldn’t see the serious signs, then who else could I be failing? 

Instead of allowing the fear to control me, to paralyze me, I used its energy to take action and make a difference. 

In the past fear would have stopped me from even attempting to declare publicly that I was taking on something that scared me to death.

Talking about my personal story of great loss, pain, and uninformed decisions puts me in a very vulnerable spot.  Helping others by creating support groups puts me on an emotional spot.  But all of that is not worse than sitting back and doing nothing out of fear. 

The amazing thing is that this shift in feeling, this shift in thinking, isn’t really about confidence in my ability to survive anything. It isn’t really about trying to tell myself never to be afraid. It isn’t really about always staying calm and peaceful.

Sometimes, fear is actually healthy. It’s about taking the fear and turning into something powerful.  It’s about not allowing fear to control me. 

You see, when scary things happen and you lose people you love unexpectedly, your mind is very good at creating all kinds of scenarios for the worst that could happen, because the worst has happened so why wouldn’t it again?  Whenever I have been presented with a choice or an opportunity to take action, I would tell myself, and everyone around me, all the reasons why and how something could go wrong. But I get nervous when I speak in public, what if I get up to speak and I start to cry, what if I say something wrong and push somebody over the edge, what if I don’t get the support of the community, what if we can’t raise the money needed to accomplish our goals, what if I lose my daughter or granddaughter? 

Automatically, a little voice in my head would begin to play out horrible outcomes, really scary results, and all kinds of fear based stories. I’d spend so much time and energy working through all that noise in my head that, in addition to being scared, I was immobilized by the distraction of trying to be certain I was prepared for every single one. In my mind I automatically turned the reality of unknown results, into catastrophically real potential for all kinds of failures.  I have learned that focusing all my energy on playing out all the scary outcomes actually manifests those scary outcomes! What you think about becomes your reality.

I have come to realize that I need to ask myself an important question when paralyzed by fear; “What if you do nothing?  What if your action helps to save a life? What if you are the answer to the problem?”

Using these powerful questions not only sheds some light on whether or not my fears are reality but also helps put in perspective that fact that doing nothing can cause more harm than good.   

The reality is I was allowing my fear to stop me from moving forward. My fears gave me an excuse to hide. I have finally gotten to a place where I can allow my fear to work for me, instead of against me, and use that energy to create a deliberate process for action. 

Staying stuck, paralyzed by fear, is no longer an option for me.

I am choosing to transform my fear, to become energized by the possibility of great things to come.

 I am choosing to transform my fear into action. 

Speak Up

It utterly baffles me how so many of us stand by and watch a person get treated unfairly, unethically, and underhandedly, but we don’t speak up, support, and defend them.  But then when that person quits, walks away, or harms themselves we are surprised.  When did the world and the people in it become so timid to speak up for what is right and support others when they are victimized?  The Bible tells us in Psalms 46 that God is our refuge and strength in times of trouble, but who can WE be a refuge and strength for? 

So often people sit back and say nothing when something really needs to be said.  It could be an idea, a suggestion, an observation, constructive criticism, but for some reason they don't want to speak up.  Maybe they are afraid of hurting another person, looking mean or foolish, or opening a can of worms that will make a mess in everyone's lives.  Sometimes it seems like staying silent is the wiser choice. But there are many reasons why we should always speak up and voice our feelings and opinions. 

You may think that staying silent keeps you from being involved in any conflict, but it’s the opposite. Silence is as much an active form of communication as talking. Silence deems approval.  If you don’t approve you need to speak up or it will be assumed that you agree or support the issue.

I believe most people are good hearted and care for others well-being, but many stay silent because they don't want to create any waves by offending or carefully criticizing someone. But if a situation is headed down a dangerous path it’s important to put the needs of the situation above your own comfortableness. 

You can't assume the obvious is apparent. Your experience, knowledge, and observations have value in a given situation. No one else has your unique perspective and many people have difficulty seeing the picture beyond their own wants and desires so hearing another perspective can be helpful.

It’s possible that your insightful observations and conclusions have appeared in the minds of others. Others may share your thoughts and opinions, but may also be unwilling to speak up. By speaking your mind you encourage them to voice their opinions as well. When one person shows support it can start a trend for others to stand up and support too.

It’s time we speak up for ourselves and for others.  If your motive is honest and pure then your opinion and thoughts matter and should be heard.  Proverbs 16:2 “People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives.”

I hear about and see children being bullied while others stand by watching and say nothing.  There are adults who get treated unfairly and with complete disrespect in the workplace while others do and say nothing.  There are parents who see the signs that their children are struggling, but don’t say anything out of fear or because it’s easier to just pretend everything is ok.  There are broken people all around that we could take the time to say a kind word of encouragement or offer a helping hand but instead we remain busy and silent.

What is it going to take to change this?  When will we speak up for what is right? 

 

Letter to Local School Board Members

Dear School Board Members:

My name is Mrs. Xavier Whitford.  I am the Vice President of the Mental Health Board of Rock River Valley and live in the Harlem School District.  I have a child attending Rockford Christian High School, work full-time for City of Rockford (Rockford School District 205) and my husband is a Youth Pastor in Belvidere School District.  As a family we care about and represent several local school districts. 

I would like to talk to you all about suicide.  Suicide is not an easy topic to talk about, but it is one that must be addressed and you as school board members have an obligation to the students in your district since many of their parents voted for you. 

I speak from personal experience, as I lost my 19 year old son Tommy in August of 2014 after he hung himself.  Although he was able to graduate high school a year late, he struggled through his school years because of his depression.  We knew our son Tommy was suffering emotionally.  He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in middle school.  We got him into counseling, and through his doctor, were trying to find medications to help, but had not found one that provided the desired results. Eventually, he began to self-medicate and withdraw from sports, friends, and family.  He was quickly labeled a “troubled teen” because of his choices.  We, as parents, remained supportive and active in his life as much as we could.  Unfortunately, we never realized how very serious his depression was and never knew that suicide was even something he considered.  Since Tommy’s death, I have talked to many other parents who lost children to suicide and much like us, the most common threads in stories were “we never saw it coming” or “we had no idea our child was suicidal” and “they were always smiling and seemed happy”.  

To many it may seem surprising that we as parents were in the dark about our children, and it is easy to dismiss parents as neglectful, but one thing I have learned over the years is that kids are really good at hiding things, especially when it comes to their mental health.  Students in class rooms across the country, including your district suffer in silence.  They know something is wrong with them but they don’t know what or they have been diagnosed with a mental illness but don’t understand what it means.  They feel, when they look at their classmates, like they are the only one that feels the way they do, but that’s not the case.  Students fear saying anything about how they feel because they don’t want to be humiliated, labeled, or judged by their peers and they don’t want to talk to their parents, teachers, or counselors for the same reasons.

I want to provide you with some alarming data you may or may not be aware of:

• Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24 year olds. (CDC)
• There is one death by suicide in US every 13 minutes. (CDC)
• 16% of students reported seriously considered suicide. (CDC)
• 13% of students reported creating a plan. (CDC)
• 1 in 5 ages 13-18 have, or will have a serious mental illness. (NAMI)
• Approximately 50% of students age 14 and older with a mental illness drop out of high school. (NAMI)

In addition, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), “At least 90% of all people who died by suicide were suffering from a mental illness at the time, most often depression.”  Many with depression have intense emotional states such as hopelessness, anxiety, or rage which increases the risk of suicide.  People who are impulsive or use alcohol and/or drugs are also higher risk.  Students who have been a victim of bullying are twice as likely to take their life by suicide.  If you walk into almost any middle school or high school in your district you will find students that fit that description. 

In my son Tommy’s Rockford Christian class alone three lives have been lost to suicide over the last three years and I have heard of at least 4 more in our County alone.  Through my community outreach I have been fortunate to talk to many parents who all feel that more can, and should be done to educate not only students, but parents and staff too.  Most parents have been raised to not speak of such things and that needs to change.  Just like the students, parents look around and think they are the only ones struggling the way they are because no one is willing to talk about it. 

So what can you as a school board do?  In 2007, The Jason Flatt Act was first passed in Tennessee and became the nation’s most inclusive and mandatory youth suicide awareness and prevention legislation pertaining to Teacher’s In-Service Training. It required all educators in the state to complete 2 hours of youth suicide awareness and prevention training each year in order to be able to be licensed to teach in Tennessee.  In 2010, The State of Illinois passed The Jason Flatt Act.  It is important that if not already doing so, that our school districts follow and implement this law.  Even if there was no state law, what would stop you from implementing a policy for your district?  You could bring in experts from the community to speak to the students, parents, staff, and faculty.  You can enact programs designed to give students a safe place to go where they can talk openly about their emotions with other peers who can understand.  We have the first of such type of group established at Harlem Middle School modeled off of Group Hope (www.grouphope.org) which started last year.  I would be happy to share more about that group and how it is helping the students attending.

I have presented quite a lot for you to think about.  I know some on the board and in the community will disagree and feel it is the parent’s responsibility to deal with the issue of suicide.  I hope that you all do the right thing and prove them wrong.  If we do not do more to help and support our students suffering with depression, anxiety, and other mental and emotional struggles, they may not be here to teach in the future.  Doing nothing is no longer an option. 

 

Sincerely,

 Mrs. Xavier Whitford

 

Why Each Breath of Faith?

Each Breath of Faith became my blog and personal ministry after losing my son Tommy in August 2014 to depression by suicide.  As I sat in tears the days after losing him, I clung to my faith and it literally took everything I had to just continue breathing.  I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and life as I had known it was changed forever.  God’s promises were the foundation for my faith and trusting Him in the darkest time of my life was the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever had to do. 

I have seen a lot of loss in my life; losing my first husband at the age of 22; losing the only father figure I ever knew - my grandpa; and my mother, but never in my life did I ever expect to lose a child (especially to suicide).  It has honestly been the most painful thing I have ever experienced and far more difficult than anyone could imagine having not gone through it themselves. 

It is proven there is a bond between a mother and a child that is formed in the womb as mothers carry their child until birth.  It is because of that bond that mothers would give their life for their child if it came down to it.  That sort of bond can never be broken; not even through death and that is what keeps me fighting and living for Tommy. 

I started Each Breath of Faith because I refused to let my son’s death be for nothing.  I refused to allow Satan to win this battle for my soul.  I knew that if I allowed my faith in God to guide and lead me, He would use this pain for His purpose and He has!  Everything I have done and everything I will do is in honor of Tommy and for God’s Glory.  This fight helps me heal and gives me a purpose through the pain I endure on a daily basis.  My hope has always been that through my story and passion I would encourage, inspire, and help others.  I have cried out to God many times and asked that He use me in any way He can.  I never in my wildest hopes or dreams could have imagined the road He would take me on.  Allowing myself to be open and willing for whatever opportunities come my way has allow God to connect me with people, projects, and events that I could only wish for.  Never could I have imagined being the Vice President of a Mental Health Board serving alongside of men and woman who have worked in the mental health field for over 30+ years.  I have met so many people who have shared their stories and helped me better understand what my son was going through in his pain.  I have been so encouraged and inspired by so many suicide survivors that choose to live and use their pain to help others. 

In the last 17 months we have accomplished great things, but there is so much more to come and so much more to do!  I could not have achieved all that I have without the guidance of our Lord and Savior and love and support of my husband, daughter, and SO many friends, family, and community members. 

I want to thank each of you for supporting Each Breath of Faith by sharing and inviting others to the page and events!  You never know who you might be helping just by sharing!  We look forward to our second annual Each Breath of Faith 5k3k coming up in April 2016 and hope to see you there!  If you know of an opportunity for me to share my story and ministry please let me know or give someone my contact info.  I believe by sharing our story, statistics, and personal journey we can help others.  Please continue to share and invite others so we can help, encourage, and inspire as many as possible! 

Fear or Faith?

I recently had a friend say that through her grieving process she lost the ability to set goals or have dreams for her life.  In reflecting on this, I realized I have struggled with the same sort of thing as have many others.  It is very understandable that after a tragic loss of any sort, but specifically suicide, we can have great fear and doubt.  We fear that we can lose another because if it could happen to our son, brother, or mother then it can happen to anyone of our family members. This type of fear is agonizing and intense.  We doubt everything we thought we knew about our loved one, ourselves, and the type of parent, sibling, or child we were to them.  If we are not careful, that fear and doubt will slowing leak into our hearts and allow us to go flat and soon we are no longer dreaming.

Doubt and Fear are the enemy.  Psalms 56:3-4 “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise – in God I trust and am not afraid”.  We need something bigger then ourselves to accomplish the greatest dreams for our life.  By following God’s dream for our lives we can fight against doubt and fear.  According to Matthew 9:29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith let it be done to you”; we get to choose how much God uses us for his plan in the world by how much faith we have.  God has a purpose for our life and our pain.  Will we trust Him and give Him the power?  God has BIG dreams for us.  If you need wisdom James 1:5 tells us if we lack wisdom to ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to you.  However, when we ask God we need to believe and not doubt!  Courage is doing the thing you fear the most.  We need to ignore our insecurities and be courageous. We need to trust God and have faith!

God wants us to dream BIG.  If we stop allowing fear and doubt to control our lives and stop following our own selfish dreams and desires and start following God’s plans and purpose for our lives we will find true fulfillment and joy.  If we dream BIG and allow the size of our God determine the size of our dreams and purpose – God can do more then we could ever imagine!  By dreaming BIG we honor God by showing our faith and trust in Him.  Bold faith requires taking risks.  Let’s not create our hopes and dreams on what we can do, but on what God can do!  Let’s stop living our lives as what it is and start living it in what it could be. 

I have BIG God dreams of becoming a motivational speaker; a writer; and a survivor! I know I cannot accomplish those things without God’s spirit, connections, and power.  What are your God dreams?    

 

Finding HOPE in healing....

Job 8:13  “Those who forget God have no HOPE”

The most hopeless people in our society are those who are the furthest from God. 


So why don't we do more to reach out to those who are hopeless and help them see God through us?

Our hope lies in Jesus Christ our savior. 

Hope is more than wishing.  Hope says your situation is real.

Wishful thinking is not real hope, its false hope.

Certain hope is the Bible type of hope.  Knowing for certain that you are going to get what you need.

Hebrews 6:19 The certain hope of being saved is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.

There is no doubt in certain hope.  This is the kind of hope God wants us to build our hope on.

Hebrews 11:1  Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Faith and Hope go together!

Certain hope is strong, trustworthy, and an anchor!  Hope allows us not to drift to far from God and to add stability during the storms of our lives.  If it wasn't for my Faith and Hope, I would never have survived losing my son.  God knows exactly what I need and I have certain hope that we will be the anchor for my soul.

Real hope is from God’s word not my wishes.  Our hope does not lie in a church, a person, or a job. 

Hope that lasts, certain hope, lies in our relationship with Jesus Christ.