We don't have "issues"....

Recently someone referred to our family's last year as dealing with "issues".  We are not dealing with issues.  We lost our son.  We lost our brother.  We lost a piece of our family.  We are grieving.  We are hurting.  We are struggling.  We are becoming a new version of us because life is never the same after a loved one dies.  We are healing and learning to adapt through the aftershock of death.

I am not sure if the reason they referred to our journey as "issues" was because they were unsure of how to address what we have been through to a crowd of people or because they were afraid to talk about it openly.  Our tendency in society is to not talk openly about the things we are not comfortable with.  For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open (Mark 4:22) The hard truth is we lost our son/brother to depression by suicide.  We never saw it coming.  We never expected or had any signs that was ever an option for our loved one.  We are not dealing with issues, we are dealing with real life, with real struggles and trials.  We are dealing with deep pain and grief.  I know it is difficult for people who haven't experienced it themselves to understand or verbalize what it is.  This is why more people should take the time to really listen to someone who is going through a difficult circumstance or loss.  Each person grieves differently depending on who it is they lost and their relationship with that person.  Grieving is an individual process, and not two people will experience it the same way.

"Sometimes allowing yourself to cry is the scariest thing you'll ever do.  And the bravest.  It takes a lot of courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it bleed.  But it is the only way to cleans your wounds and prepare them for healing.  God will take care of the rest."

 If you know someone who is experiencing a loss or has experienced a loss of someone close to them, take the time to understand their journey and understand their pain.  Don't refer to their pain and grief as issues but instead show compassion and understanding by carving out time to listen and support them and really understand all that they are going through.  Compassion and understanding goes a long way.  Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  (Col 3:12)

Turn your....

Every day should be should be a day of remembering….

I find it interesting that there are special days (All Saint’s Day/All Soul’s Day), recognized mostly by the Catholic religion, to pray for and recognize those who have passed away.  Although I think it is wonderful that people take the time to pray for, remember, and honor those who have died….why do we need a day on our calendar to do so?  I think for those of us who have lost loved ones, we find our own ways to do so daily.  We survivors find our own ways to preserve and honor their memory.  Some are more private while others pay a public tribute, but what matters most is that we find a way to accept their passing and carry forward the blessings they brought into our lives. 

Many people know of my public tributes to my son, Tommy, but I also have some private that I would like to share.  Every day I wear a piece of jewelry that carries my son’s ashes.  For me this is a constant reminder of his presence with me.  At random times people complement the beauty of the jewelry which causes me to stop for a moment and remember my son’s smile.  It also offers opportunities to share that this piece of jewelry is special to me because it carries a piece of my son in it.  I don’t always share that, but sometimes have been led to which has offered conversation with random people about my son’s story and our mission since losing him.  None of this do I believe is random, but instead each encounter and burden on my heart lead by God himself. 

I also have an angel statute that was gifted to us on the day of the funeral.  This angel brings me piece and comfort knowing my son is now surrounded by angels in heaven and loved more deeply then we could have ever hoped. The angel now sits on our mantel in the center of our living room and next to it sits the temporary grave plaque and a candle. From time to time I light the candle and always whisper Tommy’s name as I do so.  This is my secret tribute to him and a welcoming of his spirit into our home.  These are just a few things I do on a regular basis to remember and honor my son. 

Every person is different and each person finds their own way of paying tribute.  My daughter is very quiet about the pain of her loss but she found an outlet through her dance.  Last year after losing her brother she dedicated a solo dance to him.  The dance told the story of her pain and frustration over his drug abuse and struggles.  She danced it beautifully with such emotion that each time it brought me to tears.  Again this year she choose a song with the touching message of following someone to the ends of the earth.  The song writer was quoted as saying after hearing of a friend’s loss “afterwards I just started thinking of what it would be like to be him and have your whole life change so dramatically and not for the best in a matter of moments. Somebody that you live and grow with and are one with, just to be gone, is crazy and I figured all he ever thinks about probably is finding a way to get back to her or be with her or make sure she's alright or something like that. That was the sentiment behind that.”  Each of us finds a way to express our pain, to honor our loves ones.  What is right for one might not be right for another but we all have to find our way.