If you can change your thoughts, you can change your life.

I am always fighting an internal battle with my thoughts.  Our nature is to over think, over analyze, and find all the answers.  Even though life is moving forward, our thoughts are focused on the past to the point it is consuming our future.  This is exactly what the enemy wants us to do.  Our thoughts shape our lives, they control how we speak to people, how our relationships are.  Unless we are struggling with a serious mental illness, we have the ability to change our thoughts and focus on what matters.  We are called to have the same mindset as Jesus.  If we fill our minds with the Word of God it will be easier for us to change the way we think by focusing on the promises of God.  “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts” – Proverbs 4:23

I have several times a day where a thought about my son’s death pops up.  I begin to question how we didn’t know, what caused his choice to take his life, who is at fault, why did this happen, and so on.  I could allow myself to wallow in that pain and sadness but I am afraid if I do I would never come out of it.  Psalm 56:3 says “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you”.  I remind myself that none of that is going to change anything.  I focus on God’s word and his promises and move forward in faith.  I will not let the good memories and my son’s life be overtaken by negative evil thoughts.  Faith does not spare us from the pain but when life is toughest is when real faith shows up. 

Focus on Jesus not the situation

I am always refocusing my mind because Satan is trying to get me to think of the bad things and the bad memories in order to tear me down.  I always need to refocus.  Let's not focus on the situation or the problem that we are facing but instead focus on our Savior.  He is the solution to our situation.  If we get our mind off ourselves and onto Jesus our problem will lessen.  Jonah 2:7 says "When I lost all hope, I once again turned my thoughts to the Lord."  When you lose all hope focus on Jesus.  Remember what Jesus did for us.  He was tortured and died on the cross so that we can be forgiven of all our sins and have eternal life.  Jesus knew what the outcome was of his life but he didn't focus on that pain he focused on the gain of giving eternal life to us all.  When we focus on Jesus, his life, and his sacrafice our problems and situations don't seem so big. 

 

 

Do we become bitter or better?

We don’t have a choice about whether or not bad things happen to us.  Bad things happen all the time.  Whether it is someone doing you wrong, or something that happens, like the loss of a loved one.  The only choice we have is how we respond to the wrong done to us.  Do we let it build up into resentment and anger or do we let it go and allow God to make us better? 

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”. Hebrews 12:14-15

If we learn to forgive the wrongs done of others we find peace and with peace come true joy. 

Because you loved me....

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my son Tommy.  That day my life forever changed because I had someone to live for, someone to do better for.  I knew at that time that I wanted to be a better mother then I had.  I wanted to give my child more love and opportunities then I ever had.  My whole world changed, my entire focus changed, and nothing matter to me more than my child. Tommy brought more love and joy to my heart then I ever thought possible.  From the moment he was born his smile captured my heart.  He was always such a loving boy and cared about everyone.  Although he grew into a man whose anxiety made it difficult for him to deal with people or open up about his feelings, he still had his moments where you saw just how deeply he cared and loved others.  Because of my son, I learned what true love was.  I understood what it meant to put someone else’s needs above your own.  I can’t imagine what my life would have become had I not had him to cling onto.  I have never and will never regret one moment I had with my son, even the really hard times.  He taught me patience, he taught me sacrifice, and he taught me that when you truly love someone you always stick by their side not matter the circumstances.  Tommy brought the best out of me and showed me who I was meant to be.  God blessed me with a child who forever changed my heart and life.  My son made my life worth living and because of his love I got through some very difficult times.  I honestly have no idea how to go on living without him and it hurts so deeply sometimes that I don’t know if it will ever end.  However, God also blessed me with a beautiful daughter and she is the reason I continue on.   I trust God’s promise to make beauty out of ashes.  He plans to turn the ruins I am living into some type of beautiful structure and every day is a day closer to seeing my boys smile again. 

Three words that could save your life….

A friend shared a story with me about how she got to a point in her life where she didn’t want to live but thankfully found the courage to say 3 words; I NEED HELP.  Asking for help is difficult for most of us because we are wired to do things ourselves or because we have been let down so many times before that we just don’t bother asking assuming we will be let down again.  If there is any time that is the best time to ask for help, it’s when you have thoughts of ending your life.  By saying those three words, I NEED HELP, you are taking ownership of your feelings and recognizing that you cannot do it alone.  I wish that my son would have called me that day and said those three words because I would have helped, I would have done anything I could to help him just like I always had.  Maybe if we learn to ask for help more often it will be easier for us to do so when and if we get to a point where we feel as though we can’t continue on. 

But on the other side, we have to make ourselves available and LISTEN when people talk to us.  Life is so busy and we jam pack it with more and more things, so many things that we don’t have time to connect with people and really listen to their needs.  That has to change.  People with good intentions make promises but people with good character keep them.  God is more interested in our character then our comfort.  He might put us in situations that we don’t feel equipt to handle but through it he builds our character to be more like Jesus and uses us to help others.  Let’s live more like Jesus and make time for others, be available and willing when someone calls or reaches out. 

The Sign 8:18

I have read several posts from greiving parents who talk about how their loved ones have given them sign to let them know they are near or that they are ok.  Sometimes it's a feeling of them near, a scent, a song, or something that signifies their near.  I've spent hours reading about different ways that "spirits" reach us.  Is it spirits of our loved ones? Is it an angel?  Or is it God?  

I was getting extremely disappointed that I haven't recieved one of these signs.  Why hasn't Tommy let me know that he was ok?  Is it becasue I am not paying close enough attention?   Is it because he is not ok?  I begged for something, any type of sign. 

I was with my husband and Mike (Tommy's bro) last night and we were in a place of business getting a memorial piece done for my husband.  We were talking about Tommy becasue the last time we were in this place of business was with him and we had some good laughs.  When our friend was starting the piece, Cory asked me what time it was.  Simple question.... I picked up my phone and told him it was 8:18.  He looked at me and said, "really?  8:18? That has some significance".  Then it hit me!  8:18 was the day Tommy took his life.  I knew and felt instantly that Tommy was with us.  I don't understand why he waited until that moment to give me a sign but I know it was him.  The last memory I had of him there were good memories.  Maybe it was his way of telling me to keep focusing on the good times we had together. 

I miss him so much but have always known he would be near and watching over us.  Tommy never left my side, he is with me always in the memories, in the quite moments, all the time. 

Grief and Hope

The reason I keep myself focused on God and his promises is as a Pastor once said “I would rather walk with God with none of my questions answered than to walk through life without Him and know all the answers”.

It’s normal after a loss our tendencies are to immediately look for a reason or an explanation. We tell ourselves we have to figure it out and find answers to all the why’s. Why me? Why my son? Why did this happen when I didn’t deserve it?  We are looking for an explanation. When we are in grieving and in pain, explanations and answers don’t help.  We need God’s presence and comfort.  We need God’s promises and love.  God’s grace covers EVERYTHING. 

God promises He is close to the broken-hearted.  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4) There’s comfort in knowing that God understands our hurts. We can trust Him to give us strength and peace in the midst of our sorrow.

As a believer we tend to grieve differently with hope because we know the end of the story.  We live in peace even when life doesn’t make sense and we don’t have all the answers. We know that God is with us and God loves us. 

My son took his life in a moment of complete despair but in his legacy we have hope because we know there’s more to the story than just here and now.  We live in a broken world where things aren’t perfect and bad things happen but our God is good.  The world doesn’t make sense but then we remember that there is a heaven where everything is going to be restored one day. On earth, we will never understand all of God’s ways, but he has promised His peace and presence even during the most difficult times. I know His promises are true because I have seen them in my own experiences including this most devastating loss of my son.   

 

Some days

Every day I miss my boy but some days are tougher then others.  There are reminders and triggers all around me.  A place we visited together, something that reminds me of him, a song, a comment, a tv show.  Sometimes those reminders make me smile and sometimes they make me very sad.  I am so grateful for the memories we had the opportunity to make together but those same memories haunt me at times.  The thought of things we could have done differently.  I know that focusing on those things will not help but its hard not to wonder.

Do not fear

Do not be afraid to talk about Tommy or ask us how we are doing.... Many people seem nervous or scared to bring up his name or ask us how we are doing because they think it will be hurtful or cause us pain. It's actually the opposite...we want Tommy's name mentioned, his memory to live on, to know people care, and to keep the dialogue open on topics like suicide, mental illness, addiction, and any other stigmas. I tell people to act on their thoughts of the heart no matter what fears you might have. If you feel lead to talk about something, or do something for someone then do it because if you don't you could be depriving someone else from a blessing.

No more worries

I realized this morning that I don't have to worry anymore.  As a mother we worry about everything all the time when it comes to our children.  I know the Bible tells us not to worry but we all do it when it comes to our children.  We worry about their health, their safety, their future, and their choices.  I had additional worries for Tommy because of his addiction, but I don't have to worry anymore.  Is that a blessing?  I would do anything to worry about him every single day if it meant I could see and hold him again.  However, I do trust in Jesus and the promises made in his words.  Tommy is at peace with the Lord and I don't need to worry anymore for him, for his health, for his safety, and for his future.  I keep focusing on how blessed I was to have so many memories of Tommy for the over 19 years he was with us.  He taught me so much about myself as a person, as a mother, and as a friend.  I am so grateful for those precious moments we had and will cherish them forever and always.