The reality of Christmas..

The Christmas season is meant to be a joyful time in which we give gifts and spend time with those we love while celebrating the ultimate gift of Jesus Christ.  As I go through this holiday season I am trying to find joy but my heart aches for the missing piece of my heart.  I spend time serving others with family all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I laugh and eat our favorite foods all while thinking Tommy should be here.  I play with my granddaughter and smile as she giggles all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I search for the perfect gifts for those I love all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I make plans with friends and family all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  In everything I do, every time I laugh, every time I cry, every time I plan, I am missing my son because he should be here with us.  I focus primarily on the good things he is missing here with us but when I stop and think of how beautiful and joyous it must be for him in Heaven I realize I am only being selfish.  Revelation 21:4 tells us “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  Tommy no longer feels the pain he did when he was here.  He no longer has to suffer from addiction, depression, or anxiety.  He never again has to feel like he is not worth anything.  He no longer has to cry or feel alone ever again.  Every day in heaven is beautiful, bright, joyous and peaceful.  I feel so often that it is not fair for me and my family to have to suffer through life without Tommy, but it is also unfair for us to go through life without true joy when we know Tommy is in a place of peace and love. Psalms 34:18 assures us “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  This alone if we let it set deep in our soul should bring us joy.  It won’t take away the pain or longing for his presence.  It won’t take away how much we miss his hugs and laughter.  However, some peace and joy can be found this season in the fact that he is in the arms of Jesus!  His light is shining bright in the heavens above.  He left us a gift in Esperanza, our HOPE.  He left us the gift of memories we shared through the nineteen years of his life.  He left us the gift of an abundant amount of pictures with his award winning smile.  I will never understand suicide or the reasons in which so many feel that is the only answer.  I will always empathize with the many families who have to endure such a tragedy and learn to live beyond the questions, anger, and pain.  Our hope and peace can only come from the Lord who holds close those who are suffering and who calms those who are afraid.  Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Psalms 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Freefalling

I have been feeling like I am in a free fall of my life.  One thing after another keeps pushing, pushing me off the cliff into a free fall.  I seriously wonder sometimes how much one person can take.  I have lost 5 people I love deeply in the last 4 years.  On top of that many people I love are struggling for their lives and their minds.  The world and people in it can be so cruel, but I am so thankful for the glimpses of kindness and love I see that helps me continue on.  This kindness and love is my parachute that protects me from slamming face first into a wall.  Being held in the arms of Jesus helps calm and strengthen me for the fall.  I want to save the world.  I want to help those I love be healed of their sickness and of the darkness that consumes them, but I often feel like I can barely help myself. 

The only time I feel any type of true joy in my heart lately is when I am serving someone else or I see my daughter or granddaughter smile and laugh.  I often feel like my job, which I am extremely thankful for, is a waste of time nowadays. I don’t care so much about numbers and budgets anymore; I care about people and their health and happiness.  Of course I will always do my job to the best of my abilities and be grateful for what I have but I am different now.  I will never again be the person I was with the goals I had.  I am a different person with different priorities in my life now.  I have no idea what God has planned for me but I am sure it is more than what I am doing now.  Where I am going to land after this fall only God knows!

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

1 Timothy 6:12 “Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”

What if I had become what people told me?

When I was a child I remember being told by my grandma that I would never amount to anything because I was just like my mother.  My mother was the black sheep, the unsuccessful, out of the ordinary one.  My mother made a lot of bad choices in her life and was an alcoholic her whole life but she loved her children the best she knew how. However, I decided at an early age that my mother’s mistakes would not define me and I would not allow anyone including my grandma to tell me who I was going to be.  As I made my own mistakes in life I was told; I would never graduate college, I would end up pregnant at 16, I would be working fast food my whole life, I was a lost cause, and so many other things. 

I have seen my wonderfully outgoing amazingly relational husband be told he;  is too different from other leaders, not organized enough, doesn’t fit in the box, not intellectual enough, doesn’t have what it takes to graduate college, and so many other negative things, but just like myself he refuses to let others define his worth and capabilities.  God has a plan for us and He is the one in control contrary to many who try to control things themselves.

Imagine what power positive encouragement and reinforcement could mean to someone who only feels this sort of negativity.  Many people who struggle with depression, other emotional and mental struggles, or a tough life in general have a hard time seeing the positive so the more encouragement and uplifting they can get the better.  We have to remember that people are not defined by their bad choices, opinions of others, or legacy.  They are defined by the blood of Jesus Christ. 

Ephesians 4:22:24  “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So let’s just imagine what a difference it could make in the lives of so many including ourselves if we were only positive all the time.  If we took the words of the Bible and encouraged people with them instead of allowing our own feelings, desires, and motives take control.  Is that possible for you?  For me? 

What does the Bible say about how we are to treat others positively?

Luke 6:31  And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Ephesians 4:32  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1 Peter 4:39  Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

I believe our words can change the lives of others.  Our words can put out the light and send someone into darkness or it can ignite a light and passion within someone.  There is far too much negativity and darkness in the world.  Don’t you agree?  So let’s be the light, let’s change the way we respond in anger or jealousy and respond with love, kindness, forgiveness, and do more through hospitality without grumbling!

Don't leave me alone

I was listening to a song on the radio and as I heard these lyrics it really got me thinking, how many times have I or others cried out these exact words:

“Don’t leave me alone, bust down the door to my heart like it’s your home. Don’t need no keys, I’m on my knees, begging you please don’t leave me alone.”

I know so many people, including myself, who feel alone at times.  Some feel alone because they don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus.  Others like myself who do know Jesus, find ourselves in a battle and distant at times. I have had people I love recently tell me that they feel like they have lost themselves.  Like they have lost control of their mind.  Depression and other mental illnesses can cause people to act and think like they never have before.  Those who struggle with depression do not want to be the way they are, but they are imprisoned by their own mind.  Someone recently explained it this way to me; “People think depression takes feelings away, and it does, but it also strengthens some other emotions to such as pride, laziness, anger, and loneliness.”  A person with depression can be in a room filled with family and friends who love them deeply, yet they feel alone and judged.  I know there have been many times in my life that I have cried out those lyrics to God and I am sure many others have too. I am grateful that God never leaves us alone even when we feel like we are.  But just like the lyrics to many other songs say, what are we going to do here on earth for those who are hurting?  What if God has us here to be an answer to that cry and we do nothing?  Are we going to be the hands and feet of Christ and show compassion and love to the hurting? Even if they are unlike us? 

It pains my heart deeply to see so many people hurting this way, people I love.  It pains my heart even more that so many people around them are so heartless or wrapped up in themselves that they don’t even care and continue to add burdens, judgment and pain to others.  If we call ourselves a Christian then why can’t we love and care for those hurting around us, in our workplace, in our homes, in our relationships?  This world has become so cruel to those who are unlike the rest.  If they don’t fit into our plan or our box then we don’t waste our time or effort on them.  Some don’t even realize that people with a mental illness in our community have to wait outside in a line for hours to hopefully get into a clinic for counseling and medication.  How demeaning is that and we wonder why more people don’t get the help they need.  What happened to the example that Jesus left us?  He healed, fed, and made friendships with those hurting souls who were outcast by the mainstream.  What is it going to take for people to have more patience, compassion, and love for others?  What is it going to take for people to step up and fight for the rights of the mentally ill?  More deaths by suicide?  I see beautiful children dying month after month to suicide because the stigma still exists and they feel they are alone and have nowhere to go.

 I would have jumped over mountains to get my son the help he need if I had known what a serious problem depression was for him, like I understand now.  What I have learned about the mental health system since is disappointing to say the least.  So much more has to be done.  So many more people need to take a stand and fight for the rights of those suffering and break the stigma so those struggling can openly ask for help and talk about their struggles without fear of judgment and condemnation.  The change starts with all of us! 

Behind the Mask

We all wear masks to a point.  We rarely show our true selves too many but only to a select few we can trust and who love and accept us for our flawed broken selves.  I watch others closely now to read them and try and determine if they are hurting deep inside but showing a smile on the outside.  I watch as some wear a mask of a caring, loving, concerned leader but behind closed doors they belittle, hurt, judge, and control others.  I watch as in front of the crowd people give heartfelt thanks and appreciation but in a circle of few they plot to hurt and ruin that same person.  I watch as we put on a smile and appear so put together when behind closed doors we are falling apart and breaking to pieces.  I watch as judgment and criticism is placed on many instead of acceptance and understanding.  It is no wonder to me why so many of us wear masks, because if we were to show our true identity….the broken, lost, hurting..insecure part of us; imagine what others could and would do with that.  The truth is some will kick us when we are down or vulnerable.  If some are willing to kick others when they are vulnerable; imagine what they could do if true openness was shown.  Here is the thing….If we are following the example of Jesus, He loved, healed, and respected the broken. He accepted and mentored those who were unlike Him.  Jesus did not condemn, judge, and criticize the broken.  It is so disheartening to me that so many people don’t accept others for who they are; for where they are at in their life.  So many people hold expectations of what another should do or act like.  I have watched as people out of selfishness ruin the life of someone else.  This is what forces us to wear masks.  Imagine what a beautiful world it could be if we were able to take off the masks and be our true selves.  If we were able to be raw, vulnerable, and real.  No longer having to wear a mask that we have it all together or that we are in control.  Imagine what it would be like if we could all be real with one another instead of being fake behind a mask.

2 Corinthians 4:2 MSG “We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.”