Why I do what I do....

The day I found my son after he had taken his life by suicide my heart was broken.  Broken hearts, shattered spirits, and painful situations help open us up to God's healing presence.  I understand that not everyone grieves in the same way or on the same schedule. I am often asked how I do what I do.  How do you talk about suicide so openly?  How do you get in front of cameras and crowds of people and speak and not break down?  How do you talk about such emotional things without hysterically crying?  I do these things because it's not about me.  It's about helping others.  It's about honoring my son's life and memory while bringing glory to God.

The day my worst nightmare became my reality, I remember crying out to God. I begged God to help me survive this.  I begged God to not let my son's death be the end of his story.  I promised God that I would do anything in my power to use this tragedy for His glory if He allows me.  I knew in that moment that I would not be ashamed.  I would speak openly and honestly about my son's story.  I have been so blessed to have been introduced and put in the path of many amazing people who have helped me with many opportunities to educate and support others in my journey.  I realize that not everyone is comfortable with speaking outwardly about their suicide loss or putting their child's name on a billboard, and that is OK.  We all have our own pain and will find our own purpose in our journey.  You don't have to speak up because I will speak up for all of us.  God is my light and leads my way. 1 John 1:7  If we walk in the light, and He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.

It is important that people are education on suicide and mental illness.  It is important that Tommy's story and life be honored.  It's important that I keep Tommy's memory alive.  It is important that I share my faith journey with anyone who will listen.  It is important to my healing process that I focus on helping others.  This is why I do what I do.

Leaving a legacy of FAITH

It’s important to me and to God that I leave a legacy of faith.  When I am gone will there be someone left behind with the inheritance of my faith?  Will there be someone passing faith on because of me?   Faith is hugely important to me in my life and without it I don’t know how I would have survived what I have been through. 

I believe the when we do what God wants us to do, love God and love others, we will be blessed greatly in our lives even in the most difficult circumstances. 

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

God wants us above all to seek him in everything we do, every situation we encounter, every circumstance we find ourselves in.  God doesn’t want ritual and rules, He wants a relationship with us.  God doesn’t care if you go to church, He cares if the church is in you.  Only by faith, we can have this type of relationship with God. 

What does it mean to live by faith or to have faith?  How does that work?  There is no single definition of faith but the first chapter of Hebrews gives some clarification on faith. 

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Faith is believing in something that we cannot see.  Believing in something before we see it.  Just like the air we breath…we know it’s there but we cannot see it.  I feel God’s presence but I do not see it.  I know that He provides me comfort but I do not see Him holding me.  I feel and know that He comforted and held my son in his final moments but I did not see that.  I trust in God’s word.  I trust in God because I have experienced and seen how He has provided many blessings to me in my life. 

Faith is obeying God even when what He is asking us to do doesn’t make sense or we don’t understand it.  I don’t understand why I had to lose my son to suicide however from the very moment I realized Tommy was gone I felt and knew in my heart that God was going to use this for His glory.  I remember sitting there that day asking God why, why my son, why me?  God called me to be strong enough to speak out about this tragedy, to bring light into the dark, and allow Him to utilize me for a greater purpose then I could imagine.  I told God that day that I would allow Him to use me, to show me the way.  Obedience always involves risk.  I was risking my privacy and my family’s privacy.  I was risking being rejected by people who didn’t want to hear about suicide because if it could happen to me then it could surely happen to them.  I risked jumping out of my comfort zone into a fear zone.  I have never considered myself a speaker, especially to crowds of people I don’t know.  I told God, if you bring me opportunities, I will not say no, ever.  And to date that has been the case. 

Faith is persisting even when you feel like giving up.  There are many times throughout the last year that I didn’t want to speak, that I didn’t feel like going to a meeting, or meeting a new suicide survivor and sharing my story.  To be honest, there are days I don’t feel like doing anything.  We are part of a culture that is ruled by emotions and that is a big problem.  I know that persistence even when it’s not what I want to do is faith. 

I hope that my journey, my ministry Each Breath of Faith, is a legacy that will live on through others for many years to come and brings God glory.  I am nothing but with Faith and God, anything is possible.