The aftershock

One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with over the last several months is a form of PTSD as a result of finding my son after he lost his life to suicide.  There are no words that could fully explain the horror of that event for me.  Many individuals are affected by this when suicide is involved because someone always has to find the person after. 

“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.”  

The flashbacks that I have often can knock me to the ground in tears and tear the breath from my lungs.  Sometimes I am successful at pushing the thoughts away and other times it disables me for a period of time.  I don’t think many people really understand how completely overwhelming these images and severe anxiety can affect people struggling with PSTD because we are really good at hiding it or keeping ourselves secluded during those instances. 

I wish I had the power to wipe that one memory of that day from my brain…the feeling of hopelessness, the sight of my boy’s lifeless body, the feeling of his cold skin, the heartbreaking pain that I live over and over again when the memory surfaces. 

In one way I am grateful that I am the only one who has to suffer from this memory.  I trust that I am strong enough to survive this and that is why I was the one who found him that day.  I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  However, I would do anything to have it erased from my mind so I didn’t have to have that vision of my precious boy.  Instead I want to remember the smile that brightened so many lives.  The laugh that made my heart melt.  The voice I always longed to hear.  Those eyes that sparkled with mischief.  Those are the memories I want to replace the others. 

 

Your faith in me...

Lord, you continue to have faith in me and what you call me to be.  You are determined to have me finish the race.  When I fall down you pick me up and carry me through.  When I lost faith in myself you keep the faith in me. 

I ask myself why I feel so alone, where did all my friends go and why did they disappear when I need them most?  Then I remember it’s just like your friends did to you and yet you continued on.

You continue to give me strength when I am weak.  You fight the fight for me when I can’t fight anymore myself.  I give myself completely to you and you keep the faith in me to make it through this horrible storm I am in.

You tell us come to you, those who are struggling and in pain, the broken hearted and you promise us the love of the Lord is near and will pour into us when we need it most. 

Lord…You have never failed and you won’t stop now.  Help me to hold on even though I feel like letting go.  I miss my baby boy so much, but I know he is in your loving arms.  Help me to let it go and focus more on the good memories than on the pain and absence I feel. 

The things you'll miss....

I wonder…

Today would have been your 20^th birthday and it hurts my heart so deeply that you are not here to celebrate.  I sit and wonder what career you might have had, what would you have said the first time you saw your baby, would you have married, would you have played soccer again, would you be gray in your old age or maybe bald?  I think of all the things you are going to miss out on… your beautiful daughter growing up, your sisters dance recital, your sisters graduation, your sister’s wedding, my 40^th birthday and all the birthdays thereafter, your dad becoming ordained as a minister, your 21^st birthday and the trip that we had planned.  It saddens me that I will never know these things.  It breaks my heart that you won’t be here to share in these events.  I miss your smile.  I miss you laugh.  I miss our lunch dates.  I miss the times you would fall onto my bed and just talk to me about nothing.  I miss your stinky boy smell.  I miss the times you stressed me out and made me worry…because I would do anything to have those times over not having you at all.  I am going to miss you hanging out with me at your sister’s dance competitions.  I miss cooking you your favorite meals.  I just miss you so much.  I know I have to go on.  I know I have to be strong for your sister and for myself.  I know you would want us to be happy but how can we ever be fully happy without you?  Nothing will ever be the same because you are not a part of it.  I know that you are ok, you are my angel above.  I know that we will be ok and we will keep moving on.  But I want you to know that there will never be a day that you are not thought of, loved, and missed dearly in our lives.  I felt your embrace the other morning and your whispered I love you mom but it doesn’t take the place of feeling your actual arms around me and your hair against my cheek.  I love you forever and always and that will never change until we see each other face to face again.  

It take courage....

If your heart is telling you to do something, if you are feeling like God is calling you to do something…Go out and do it!  Ignore the doubters.  Ignore the negative comments.  Ignore the people who don’t think it is possible because with God all things are possible.  If we allow ourselves to be used by God, if we trust in God and his plan for us…and believe in ourselves – ANYTHING is possible.  It takes courage to act.  It takes courage to start over again.  It takes courage to keep living.  It’s not easy to have faith when your heart is broke in two.  Accept where you are and take responsibility to live your life with passion.   It doesn’t matter what happened to you, what matters is what you are going to do about it.  Take action….persevere…and don’t give up!  We need to live the life we are called to live.  Find what you love, find your passion, find what your heart is calling you to do, and do it!  We all fall down in life but those who get back up and who continue to fight when you have lost everything will be the winners of this race we call life.