I am alive even though a part of me has died.

I had a conversation with a woman who lost her son a few months back.  We were talking about how some people say, “I can’t believe how well your doing” or they look at you like you didn’t love your child enough because you are able to move on.  She said it best: “I had two choices; I can kill myself or keep living my life”.  It’s so true, I wonder what people expect.  Every single minute of every single day, I miss my son.  If I wanted to, I could allow myself to go to a very dark place and think about how I found him that day, how badly he must have been hurting, the questions of why and what and so on.  Trust me if I let myself stay there too long, I don’t think I could ever come out the other side, but I pray and other pray and I keep my focus on the things that keep me moving forward.  I have daughter that needs me to be strong and be there for her.  I have pregnant daughter in-law that needs someone there for her through this pregnancy and the journey of becoming a new single mom.  I have a grandbaby coming that will need me to tell her all of the stories about her dad.  I have purpose for my pain; to educate others on the suicide and depression and break the stigma.  People look at me and think I am strong but they don’t see me when I am alone, the tears I cry, the pain I feel, the weakness I feel is so overwhelming at times I wonder how I will survive BUT I always do and that credit goes to a powerful God and the Holy Spirit in me!  I am ALIVE even though a part of me has DIED.  I have to keep going even when I don’t want to.  I would do ANYTHING in my power to have my son back but NOTHING will bring him back so all I can do is live my life and continue to fight to keep his memory alive and take care of those he left behind.  He is now our angel watching over us and I will have a chance to hold him again someday.  I miss him more than words could even come close to explaining.  My heart aches for him, my eyes long to see his smile, my arms stretch in hopes of embracing him, my ears desire to hear those words, I love you mom, one more time and NOTHING will make that go away or make this journey any easier.   The prayers of all those around us helps provide us strength and encouragement to move forward.  Thank you for that!

Suicide Article for Baptist Newsletter

No Right to Judge the Eternal Destiny of Those Who Take Their Own Life

By Xavier Whitford

I lost my son, Tommy, on August 18, 2014 to suicide as a result of depression. As a Pastor’s wife I have encountered all sorts of responses from people, both positive and negative.  We have received judgment from some who wonder what we did wrong or how could we not know and do something, but mostly we have received love and support.

One of the most disappointing statements we have had to deal with is that because he committed suicide he will not be with our Lord and Savior.  I understand as Christians we need to be opposed to suicide and would hope as a society in general we would be.  However, I would like to make a very important point that none of us have any right or competence to judge the eternal destiny of anyone under any circumstances, including a person who takes their own life.  It is not a Christian teaching as far as I understand that people who commit suicide are automatically condemned to hell. 

We don’t have the right to judge anything.  God alone judges everyone.  God knows why people do what they do.  God alone reads the hearts of people.  God alone will implement mercy and judgment as he sees fit.  “It is appointed for men to die once and after this comes judgment” (Heb. 9:27). 

Is it not the Christian teaching that God has mercy on utterly everyone?  The Christian Gospel teaches God does not withhold his mercy from anyone. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18).  God shows mercy on everyone, and through the blood of Christ, everyone is forgiven.  “Jesus died for all of our sins – past, present and future” (Col. 2:13-14). 

The Gospel also reveals that judgment is based on whether or not we accept the mercy of God. We don’t know who accepts the mercy of God.  It is a common Christian teaching that the final judgment of a person is when they stand before God, whether or not they accept the divine mercy, whether or not they repent of their sin.  So we could say that everyone has a chance to convert in death. They have a chance to convert when they see the risen and exalted Christ.  

It is also a common Christian teaching that anyone who believes in Jesus will have eternal life.  “I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life” (1 John 5:13).  “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).  We don’t know who truly believes in Jesus in their heart.  Often times in suicide it’s the mind controlling the decision to take their own life.  So I’m very convinced, personally, that we have no right to say and proclaim judgment on anybody.

This is what I know: My son was a good hearted and loving boy to everyone who he came into contact with.  He fought a battle within his brain that he could not control.  My son did not choose to have depression just like people do not choose to have cancer.  He wanted to feel normal and be happy all the time, but that was not something he could entirely control.  My son accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior in 2009.  So I believe, personally, that my son is in heaven and is no longer in pain or suffering because we serve an Almighty God that saves those who are broken and gave his son to forgive ALL of our sins, including those we make when we are sick and not of right mind, because he knows what is in our hearts.

My strength comes from the Lord

People are always saying to me... I am in awe of your strength, your strength is amazing, you are so strong, and so on.  Well I am NOT strong but my God is.  If I were on my own I would honestly be curled up in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out each and every day.  Don't get me wrong, I have those moments but they are moments and then I get up and keep forging ahead.  I can't even fully comprehend myself where this strength comes from. I know it has to come from my Savior because it is his promise to carry us in our time of weakness and give us strength when we are weak.  I look back of the last month and have no idea how I have made it this far but I do one day at a time.  I pray daily for the Lord to fill my heart and mind with happy memories and to give me the strength and direction I need to keep Tommy's memory alive and help others while healing myself.  Each person is different and for whatever reason God made me to find a purpose in all the pain of my life.  I have had more pain in my life then one person should even have to endure and in all honestly I am surprised myself that losing my son did not push me over the edge.  I am wired to not give up I guess. I am not even 40 years old yet and I have experienced growing up without a father, sexual abuse as a child, rape as a teen, the loss of my first husband, the loss of my mother, and now the loss of my son.  I start to ask myself why, what did I do to deserve this life...but then I realize the real question is what am I going to do about it.  I have the option of letting it consume me, letting it make me become angry and bitter, letting it control my decisions and life OR I can learn from it, let it go, trust in the Lord to make good out of the bad, and choose to continue to follow the light and truth of the Jesus.  I am fortunate though that my mind is my own and I do not currently struggle with mental illness that often controls our thoughts.  My children have always been my reason for living.  I have always and will continue to always be strong for them and fight for them.  Death will not change that.  My son is with me, I know he is watching over us and is proud of the things we are doing.  Tommy cared for others deeply even though he didn't always know how to express it, you could see it in him.  I am so incredibly grateful that I had the time I did with him. I am so thankful for the memories, for his smile, and for his goofy laugh.  Those are the things I will carry with me always and forever.    

WIFR News Report on Mother Works to Prevent Teen Suicides in Winnebago County

http://www.wifr.com/home/headlines/Mother-Works-to-Prevent-Teen-Suicides-in-Winnebago-County-276848061.html

What if..

As I drove to work this morning I saw two girls standing on the the corner waiting for the bus.  These girls couldn't have be more different by the outward appearance.  I watched as they both stood apart while one was on her phone and the other was just looking sad at the ground.  I couldn't help but wonder what a difference it would make in each of those girls lives if the girl with the phone put it away and started a friendly conversation with the other.  There are so many hurting people in the world.  So many youth that feel left out or unliked by others.  If we paid more attention to the people that God puts in our path and made an effort to smile, talk to them, or just acknowledge they have a purpose in life, what a difference that alone could make in someones life. 

Then when I arrived to work a co-worker and friend who parked next to me just got out of the car, said good morning, and then just walked away as I struggled to get stuff from my car.  I thought to myself, wow, what if we took a minute to see someone needed help or just someone to talk to as they walked into work...what a difference that could make in someone's day.  So many of us are so stuck in our own head that we don't pay attention to the opportunities around us.  Every day there are people we encounter not by chance but by God's plan and if we ignore those opportunities we are ignoring an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life. 

People ask me from time to time, what can I do for you?  I don't know what to say because I honestly don't know what I am doing from one moment to the next.  Some days I feel like cooking, cleaning, or doing the things that need to be done, and other days I feel like doing nothing.  Some days I want company and need to talk and other days I just want to be alone with my family.  It has amazed me how some people have felt God place something on their hearts that they could do for me and they just do it, and it turns out to be exactly what we needed.  Whether it's dropping off an unplanned meal, booking a night stay for us to getaway, scheduling people to come do yard work, or just stopping by to see how we are doing.  How often do we have things put on our heart but because we are "busy" or have our own "issues" we just ignore it?  What if we listened to the spirit when it speaks to us.  What if when someone comes to our mind and heart, we acted on it and called them or dropped them a card?  But something as simple as listening can be to hard for us.

Too quite

I realized this weekend that those peaceful quite times I used to cherish are no longer such a blessing.  It's in those still and quite moments that my mind thinks to much and the pain becomes unbearable.  I feel this battle going on inside me...on the one side I think of all of the questions, the vision of my boy that day, the thoughts of the life that he will never have the chance to live, the future memories that will never come, the pain that he must of felt to have done what he did...on the other side I feel this sense of peace, that we will be ok, that Tommy is at peace, and everything is going to be ok.  It's so hard.... I tried to explain to my husband this weekend the burden I feel of not knowing how to go on without him.  How do we just live and be happy without him here?  How do I love and give to others with such a large void in my own heart?  I know we have to live our lives and "move on" but the only way that can happen is one day at a time.  I look back over the last month and wonder how I made it this far.  I wish I could feel my boy or hear his voice and know for sure that he is at peace....but how do I know that it is not him giving me the sense of peace and strength to go on.  I still have so many moments in time where I think he is still here and is going to walk through my door but he never does and reality sets in that he never will.  God, I don't understand why I have to go through this but I trust that you are with me and will turn this horrible thing into something good.

Psalm 138:7 Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive.  When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power.  

1 Peter 5:10  And after you suffer for a short time, God, who gives all grace, will make everything right.  He will make you strong and support you and keep you from falling.  He called you to share in his glory in Christ, a glory that will continue forever.  

Psalm 46:1  God is our protection and our strength.  He always helps in times of trouble.  The Lord All-Powerful is with us: the God of Jacob is our defender.  

People don't really understand

I wonder sometimes if people really have a clue just how difficult it is just to get through the day.  All around you people are laughing and living their life as though nothing happened but I am struggling just to breath, to think, to work, to cook, to do all the things we once found so normal and easy are now so hard.  I know many people try to understand but how can they really if they never experienced it themselves?  It's interesting how those who you think would be there for you, support you, and help you when you need it just continue to put expectations on us that are just not realistic sometimes. 

I think we are doing ok for what we are going through but there are times that even the simple things seem impossible.  We keep pushing on but then there are some people that wonder why we are not doing more, why we are not living up to their expectations.  They complain to us about how bad their life is.  I get so angry and frustrated because I think that everyone should be more understanding, more compassionate, and more helpful.  We lost our son in a most horrific way. 

We have had so many people come and help us that we barely even know or we never would have expected help from but the ones we thought we could rely on most are nowhere.  I know God is bringing those people we need to us and new friendships have formed.  I wish there was someway I could properly explain just how hard it is, how guilty I feel everytime I laugh or those times I am so busy I forget that my son is gone forever.  I know we are supposed to live on and trust in the Lord but it is a continuous battle that takes everything out of me. 

I personally have the stuggle of what doctors call PTSD.  The overwhelming feeling of loss and fear.  I am relive and experience the trama of finding Tommy the way that I did.  Those flashbacks grip my heart and keep me from falling asleep or wake me up out of dead sleep.  It's something I will always have to live with and I had that I have to.  Most people can't understand that.  

Focus on the Family - Mental Illness and how it impacts families

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/how-mental-illness-impacts-families-pt1

One Month

I can't believe it's been one month since my boy took his life.  Some days it feels like it's been an eternity and other days it feels like it was just yesterday.  I miss him so much and wish I could touch his face and hug him tight.  So many people have asked what can I do for you?  I don't know how to respond because in all honestly there is nothing anyone can do to make this any easier or any less painful.  The support has been overwhelming and very much appreciated but my heart aches so deeply.  It's so incredibly hard to go through every day seeing people living life, laughing, planning, ect when it feels like my world has stopped and each day it is a huge struggle just to get up.  Somedays it takes everything I have just to breath.  We try to remain focused on the positives and move forward but its hard when there are so many questions that remain. I know those answers won't change anything so I try not to let them over take my thoughts.  I keep focusing on the blessings that have come out of this horrible event.  I know that my God has his arms around me and is carrying me because if he were not I would be a mess on the floor.  I would do anything to change that day and have him here.  The only thing that gives me peace is that I know I will see him again someday and be able to hold him tight. 

One More Time

I would do anything to tell Tommy I love him one more time and hold him tight.  Every day is a gift from God and I am so incredibly grateful for the time I had with my son.  So many cherished memories, laughs, and even trials but I wouldn’t trade any of them.  I loved my son unconditionally.  There were times we didn’t agree and my fierce love for him took over but forgiveness came easy with both of us.   He taught me as much about myself as I taught him.  I never gave up on him through all of his trials and loved him each and every day.  I hate that he gave up on himself, that his mind told him he wasn’t worth it.  I wish so badly that he would have called me that day so I could have rescued him instead of arriving after it was too late.  It's hard not to think about the what ifs and why's but I know that focusing on that will not bring him back. My heart just aches for my son and the future that will never be.  It all still seems so unreal.    

The Voice of Faith

I have a constant battle that goes on in my head.  I often find my mind going to places I don't want to go but then the foundation of God's word reminds me of the truth.  I know that Satin attacks the weak but even though the battle rages on in my head I will stand strong in my faith and God's promises.  I want to place blame on those who where involved that dreadful day and be angry but I am reminded that none of that will change anything, it won't bring my son back.  If I allow myself to give in to the anger and begin to place blame it will only cause more hurt and pain to those around me.  God calls us to love and forgive just as he does for us and that is the foundation I stand on.  I also have a voice that tells me that I wasn't enough and I should have done more for my son but then I am reminded that I loved my son and fought for him every single day of his life.  I was always there and never gave up no matter what the circumstances and one thing I know for certain is that when I told him I loved him he knew how deeply.  I also have voices that constantly ask why me?  It even goes as far as to say why would God think I deserve this, why didn't God do anything to stop it from happening?  But God didn't do this.  God is a God of mercy and love not of pain and suffering.  Satin attacked Tommy because he had a weak mind but Tommy's heart was pure and good.  Everyone who came in contact with Tommy loved him, even through his struggles.  The voice tells me that suicide is the un-forgivable sin and Tommy is not in heaven but I know that God sees our hearts and I saw every day that my son's heart was good.  Tommy accepted and believed that Jesus was the son of God and was baptized.  Many believers sin, but that sin does not decide whether they go to Heaven or not, God looks at our hearts and whether or not we accepted him into our hearts.  I believe Tommy is no longer suffering and is in God's loving arms.  I know I will see my son again.  I know that my God is with me and carrying me through this difficult time because I have strength that is not my own.  I am reminded of His promises with each voice I hear trying to break me down.  My faith is higher and stronger then I even knew, and no one is going to tear it down.  My heart and my life belongs to Jesus, with Him ALL things are possible, including surviving the loss of someone who held a very special place in my heart.  My heart will never be the same, there will always be a void but with faith I will continue to live and love.

Depression & Addiction are a disease, not a character flaw

Journal Entry from 8/13/14 - I wrote this in my journal after hearing and reading about Robin Williams committing suicide.  Now I find myself fighting this same arguement for my son Tommy who took his life on 8/18/14.   

I used to be one of those people that used to think that Addiction and Depression were a choice.  I mean it’s as easy as you decide to be happy and you are.  You decide to stop drinking or doing drugs and you’re done, but it’s really not that simple.  Unless you have experienced it, you can never truly understand.  Addiction and depression are terrible illnesses/diseases.  Both are a brutal condition that has no principles or boundaries.  It’s selfish and can be extremely fierce towards other people, putting friendships and relationships to the test and we will never understand why.  When you have an addiction or depression you essentially become trapped inside your own prison and any access to your brain lies behind that sealed door.  Sometimes, you are allowed outside to have a moment of "normal" life but most of the time it’s temporary. Depression and addiction are a disease, not a character flaw.  It doesn’t mean the person is weak or crazy. They have a real illness which is caused by a chemical imbalance within their brain.  Sadly sometimes this battle is lost and the host submits to the control and takes their life to end the extreme pain they feel. 

 

Living Unashamed Article 9/7/14

http://www.rrstar.com/article/20140905/NEWS/140909600

Just Breath

9/5/14 - There are days that are so much harder then others.  I have moments in time where I feel like I am suffocating and it takes everything I have to just breath.  I feel like someone has their hand around my heart and they just keep squeezing.  I know this is grief but never experienced grief so crushing.  I am still amazed that I haven't gone crazy or completely lost it but I know that is becasue my Lord is with me, carrying me in times I can't do it myself.  I know my God is surrounding me with his love and people to keep me built up.  The battle of grief keeps raging, but I refuse to have it knock me down.  I know that I am here for a purpose.  Tommy's life has meaning and purpose but so will his death.  I know that he accepted the Lord and had a good heart and God sees our heart.  I believe that is what matters to God most, not the decisions made out of a unhealthy mind.  I wish I had the ability to see God's plan through all this.  I am certain he will make something beautiful out this tragic and painful experience.  Someone recently said to me "it makes me think that you and Cory must be doing some amazing things in God's kingdom for Satin to attack you so brutally".  It made me realize that if I allow this to consume me and I allow the anger and pain to ruin my purpose then Satin wins and I will not let him win. 

My son Tommy was my strength in dark times when I didn't know the Lord.  He was my faith, my reason for living.  He stood by me and loved me through my journey to find my relationship with Christ.  My life was blessed for almost 20 years with a boy that would light up my world with just a smile or a hug.  I will miss that each and every day and my heart aches to see him in person one more time.  To tell him how sorry I am that I couldn't fix this for him.  To tell him how incredibly much I am going to miss him and how deeply I loved him.  I know he knows these things already but how I wish I could have one more moment to breath his scent and kiss him.  I know we have to live on but it just feels wrong to go through life without him in it.

My worst nightmare come true.

9/3/14

It's been 16 days since my whole life changed.  8/18/14 will forever remain in my mind the day my worst nightmare came true.  It was a normal day like any other.  I went to work and kept busy until a message came through my phone from Tommy;s girlfriend and said that I needed to call him because he text her an hour beforehand that he was going to kill himself.  I called and no answer.  I wanted to freak out but I tried to remain calm and grabbed my stuff telling my boss that I had to run out to check on my son.  I drove calmly and got to the house and walked in yelling his name.  When I went to his room, the door was shut and I thought maybe he was just sleeping.  I opened the door and my whole world fell apart.  My son had hung himself.  I cried out why oh God why.  I tried to find a knife to cut him down, I called 911, and tried to hold him up until they arrived.  I knew that he was gone because his color was blue and he was cold but every part of me wanted him to be alive. 

My son and I had a bond that no one could really understand.  I lost my first husband, Tommy's dad, when he was only 3 years old.  That was such a difficult time for me and Tommy was the light of my world that kept me going.  His smile was all I needed to make a bad day good.  Now my heart aches and hurts so much because I know I will never see his smile in person again.  The last time I held my baby boy he was cold and anyone that knew Tommy knows that he was always sweaty and hot.  

I have so many questions, so many why's, and so many things I can't make sense of in my head. How did I not know he was that depressed?  Why didn't he call me?  What happened that triggered his brain to think this was his only option.  I know my son.  I loved my son.  So many people loved my son.  Why was it not enough?  I know that he loved us deeply and he would not want us hurting this way so why would he do this?  The only thing that makes sense to me is that he was unable to think rationally.  His brain was not healthy.  Tommy always thought of others.  He took time to let people know he cared.  He always seems so happy on the outside but we all knew he struggled on the inside with addiction and depression.  However, no one realized just how bad this struggle really was.  I mean how could we? He always seemed ok and mostly happy.  He told us he was struggling and we took him to see a doctor two weeks before this dreadful day.  They even prescribed him anti-depressants.  I don't understand but I have come to realize that I never will and none of these answers will bring my boy back.  

Tommy was so much to so many.  He was a friend, a brother, a cousin, an uncle, a soon to be father, and a boyfriend.  He was funny, goofy, sweet, tender, kind, loving, and gorgeous.  People always complemented him on his smile and green eyes.  My heart will forever have a void but our faith is what will get us through this.  I have strength that can only come from the Lord.  I honestly don't know how I am even standing most days.  There are times where it takes every ounce of energy I have just to take a breath but the breath always comes.  I want to be angry but I am not, I have a peace that it un-explainable.  Yes, I hurt deeply.  Yes, I think of my son every moment of the day and miss him more then words could ever say.  Yes I feel as though a piece of me is missing and I will never be whole again.  But even with all of that I keep on living each day through faith.  My son will be remembered for the amazing man that he was.  His life and death will have meaning and help others if I have anything to say about it.  He was a light to so many while he was here on earth and he will continue to be now that he is at peace in the arms of our Lord.