TWO YEARS… Where do I even start? It feel like yesterday, but it also feels
like an eternity. The longing and loss
of hugging you and seeing your face light up in that big smile that would make my
heart overflow seems unbearable at times.
Although life continues for us here, there is never a day or moment that
passes that you are not missed or thought of.
I have found that there is much truth to the saying “where there is deep
grief, there was great love.” Grief and
Love are one in the same and just because my beautiful boy has died, our love
for him will never end and neither will our grief over losing him.
I have I have come to understand that I will never be the
person I used to be. That person is gone
forever. Losing a child by suicide
creates an enormous sense of fear and guilt.
Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind. I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to
take action. Instead of allowing the
fear to control me, to paralyze me, I have learned to use its energy to take
action and make a difference. I have
discovered that it’s ok to ask for help.
We can’t get through this alone.
I recognize there will never be a holiday, birthday, or
anniversary that passes where I don’t yearn for you to be a part of it and wish
that you were here with us. I often find
myself in a daze, living in this life, but thinking and wondering about the
life that could have been. The memories
and dreams that will never be fulfilled.
The important events that you will not take part in.
I have realized that with a faith foundation in Christ, I am
able to survive anything – even the unimaginable. I now understand I am stronger then I think
because of the strength Christ provides me.
I have learned that God’s grace and mercy are greater than I could ever
fully understand.
I have discovered that true friends will always be there for
you and make supporting you in your grief a priority knowing they can never
fully understand the pain you feel, but always wanting to be by your side to
walk through it with you. I have learned
that many people don’t understand that a loss like this is not something you
can simply get over or move on from. I
have realized the amount of love and support we receive from friends and the
blessing of having a granddaughter that reminds us of her daddy helps to ease
the pain, but our son and the love I shared with him is irreplaceable.
I have learned to live in appreciation of what I have each
and every day and to forgive quickly.
Another valuable thing I have learned is knowledge is power and it’s up
to us to gain knowledge, ask questions, and increase our understanding. No matter how difficult this journey has been
I have learned that facing death with grace is the realization of life. We have the choice of making every minute
count with the people we love and valuing them and our lives in a way we never
did before. The pain and loss of my
son’s death will always remain, but our grief can be transformed into
grace. My son’s memory reminds me to
live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granted. His memory reminds me to let those whom I
love know how much they mean to me. His
memory reminds me how temporary life is and how privileged I am to be blessed
with amazing family and friends. His
memory gives me a purpose in this new life I am forced to live without him.
TWO YEARS and I am sure we will have to experience many
more…None of them will be easy, each of them will take us back to that day when
our lives where forever changed and our heart crushed into pieces. I know you are at peace. I know you no longer feel pain. I know that our God has freed you of all your
illness and suffering. I know that you
or God send us signs to remind us that you are ok and we don’t need to worry
about you. I know that your memory and
the Holy Spirit in us allows us to feel your presence near every day. I am thankful and grateful that you are at
peace, but I will always miss you every single moment of the day.
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