My un-expert opinion on suicide and the effects of it

I am no expert and this is just thoughts and opinion based on my own experience and in speaking with several dozen individuals who have attempted or been suicidal themselves.  I hope that this helps maybe explain in some degree why and how suicide happens. 

First, I have to say that I have found through my own experience and that of many others who have lost loved ones that is can happen to ANYONE.  Suicide does not discriminate by age, race, beliefs, social status, or family dynamics.  Suicide happens to young, middle aged, old, Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, Asian, Christians, non-believers, rich, poor, middle class, whole supportive families, and broken families.  Often times those we lose to suicide are the ones who walked around with the biggest smiles, full of life, and always willing to help others.  Often times those we lose to suicide accepted Jesus into their life and love the Lord.  Often times those who lose their life to suicide are from loving and highly involved families.  Often times those who lose their life to suicide have an underlying diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness such as depression.  This is not always the case and sometimes there are no signs or warning and it is simply an impulsive reaction to a circumstance or situation that no one could begin to expect or be prepared for. 

I have learned from many who share their stories that when a person becomes suicidal all they see is black.  All they see is the pain they are feeling in that moment.  All they feel is that pain causes those they love pain.  They cannot see the future.  They cannot see the past.  They can only see that moment.  It is almost as if something short circuits in their brain and for some it lasts a few seconds, some it lasts a few minutes or hours.  In that time of blackness they feel there is absolutely no other option to make them feel better or their families to not share in their pain, but to die.  We all know otherwise, but they do not see any other way.  And the truth is, if they are alone in those moments of blackness and pain their thoughts control their actions and they often succeed in ending their pain and life.  They did not cause the short circuit in their brain.  They did not ask for it.  Who knows what causes it….studies show diet, environmental, family history, life circumstances, maturity, and so many other things play a factor. 

What I do know is that moment of darkness does not define who they really where as a person.  It does not define the type of son, daughter, husband, wife, sister, brother, mother, father, or friend they were.  It does not take away their accomplishments or relationships they had with others.  The person they were when they were in the light of the world is who they truly are.  The person they were when they played the sport they excelled in is who they truly are.  The person they were when they played with their little sister and laughed with their friend is who they truly are.  Please don’t ever forget that.  Remember them for who they were in all the moments leading up to that darkness.  Do not remember them for those moments that were out of their control. 

I don’t know all the answers to why suicide happens and I wish with all my heart that is didn’t.  I wish I still had my son Tommy here with us and all the others who have lost their lives to suicide.  I wish that the pain, questions, regrets, and blame the family and friends are left with didn’t have to exist at all.  I work tirelessly with many others to try and make a difference, but it’s not enough. We need everyone, we need a community to take a stand and work to make a difference by fighting for resources, education, and laws that will help reduce the numbers of lives we are losing to suicide. 

Today I send my love and prayers to all the families and friends who are hurting and trying to make sense of something that just can't make sense.  My heart breaks for each of you and for my own family who still struggles over the great loss of a life gone to soon.

Two years since that day....

TWO YEARS… Where do I even start?  It feel like yesterday, but it also feels like an eternity.  The longing and loss of hugging you and seeing your face light up in that big smile that would make my heart overflow seems unbearable at times.  Although life continues for us here, there is never a day or moment that passes that you are not missed or thought of.  I have found that there is much truth to the saying “where there is deep grief, there was great love.”  Grief and Love are one in the same and just because my beautiful boy has died, our love for him will never end and neither will our grief over losing him.

I have I have come to understand that I will never be the person I used to be.  That person is gone forever.  Losing a child by suicide creates an enormous sense of fear and guilt.  Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind.  I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to take action.  Instead of allowing the fear to control me, to paralyze me, I have learned to use its energy to take action and make a difference.  I have discovered that it’s ok to ask for help.  We can’t get through this alone.

I recognize there will never be a holiday, birthday, or anniversary that passes where I don’t yearn for you to be a part of it and wish that you were here with us.  I often find myself in a daze, living in this life, but thinking and wondering about the life that could have been.  The memories and dreams that will never be fulfilled.  The important events that you will not take part in. 

I have realized that with a faith foundation in Christ, I am able to survive anything – even the unimaginable.  I now understand I am stronger then I think because of the strength Christ provides me.  I have learned that God’s grace and mercy are greater than I could ever fully understand. 

I have discovered that true friends will always be there for you and make supporting you in your grief a priority knowing they can never fully understand the pain you feel, but always wanting to be by your side to walk through it with you.  I have learned that many people don’t understand that a loss like this is not something you can simply get over or move on from.  I have realized the amount of love and support we receive from friends and the blessing of having a granddaughter that reminds us of her daddy helps to ease the pain, but our son and the love I shared with him is irreplaceable. 

I have learned to live in appreciation of what I have each and every day and to forgive quickly.  Another valuable thing I have learned is knowledge is power and it’s up to us to gain knowledge, ask questions, and increase our understanding.  No matter how difficult this journey has been I have learned that facing death with grace is the realization of life.  We have the choice of making every minute count with the people we love and valuing them and our lives in a way we never did before.  The pain and loss of my son’s death will always remain, but our grief can be transformed into grace.  My son’s memory reminds me to live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granted.  His memory reminds me to let those whom I love know how much they mean to me.  His memory reminds me how temporary life is and how privileged I am to be blessed with amazing family and friends.  His memory gives me a purpose in this new life I am forced to live without him.

TWO YEARS and I am sure we will have to experience many more…None of them will be easy, each of them will take us back to that day when our lives where forever changed and our heart crushed into pieces.  I know you are at peace.  I know you no longer feel pain.  I know that our God has freed you of all your illness and suffering.  I know that you or God send us signs to remind us that you are ok and we don’t need to worry about you.  I know that your memory and the Holy Spirit in us allows us to feel your presence near every day.  I am thankful and grateful that you are at peace, but I will always miss you every single moment of the day.