The reality of Christmas..

The Christmas season is meant to be a joyful time in which we give gifts and spend time with those we love while celebrating the ultimate gift of Jesus Christ.  As I go through this holiday season I am trying to find joy but my heart aches for the missing piece of my heart.  I spend time serving others with family all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I laugh and eat our favorite foods all while thinking Tommy should be here.  I play with my granddaughter and smile as she giggles all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I search for the perfect gifts for those I love all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I make plans with friends and family all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  In everything I do, every time I laugh, every time I cry, every time I plan, I am missing my son because he should be here with us.  I focus primarily on the good things he is missing here with us but when I stop and think of how beautiful and joyous it must be for him in Heaven I realize I am only being selfish.  Revelation 21:4 tells us “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  Tommy no longer feels the pain he did when he was here.  He no longer has to suffer from addiction, depression, or anxiety.  He never again has to feel like he is not worth anything.  He no longer has to cry or feel alone ever again.  Every day in heaven is beautiful, bright, joyous and peaceful.  I feel so often that it is not fair for me and my family to have to suffer through life without Tommy, but it is also unfair for us to go through life without true joy when we know Tommy is in a place of peace and love. Psalms 34:18 assures us “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  This alone if we let it set deep in our soul should bring us joy.  It won’t take away the pain or longing for his presence.  It won’t take away how much we miss his hugs and laughter.  However, some peace and joy can be found this season in the fact that he is in the arms of Jesus!  His light is shining bright in the heavens above.  He left us a gift in Esperanza, our HOPE.  He left us the gift of memories we shared through the nineteen years of his life.  He left us the gift of an abundant amount of pictures with his award winning smile.  I will never understand suicide or the reasons in which so many feel that is the only answer.  I will always empathize with the many families who have to endure such a tragedy and learn to live beyond the questions, anger, and pain.  Our hope and peace can only come from the Lord who holds close those who are suffering and who calms those who are afraid.  Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Psalms 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”

Freefalling

I have been feeling like I am in a free fall of my life.  One thing after another keeps pushing, pushing me off the cliff into a free fall.  I seriously wonder sometimes how much one person can take.  I have lost 5 people I love deeply in the last 4 years.  On top of that many people I love are struggling for their lives and their minds.  The world and people in it can be so cruel, but I am so thankful for the glimpses of kindness and love I see that helps me continue on.  This kindness and love is my parachute that protects me from slamming face first into a wall.  Being held in the arms of Jesus helps calm and strengthen me for the fall.  I want to save the world.  I want to help those I love be healed of their sickness and of the darkness that consumes them, but I often feel like I can barely help myself. 

The only time I feel any type of true joy in my heart lately is when I am serving someone else or I see my daughter or granddaughter smile and laugh.  I often feel like my job, which I am extremely thankful for, is a waste of time nowadays. I don’t care so much about numbers and budgets anymore; I care about people and their health and happiness.  Of course I will always do my job to the best of my abilities and be grateful for what I have but I am different now.  I will never again be the person I was with the goals I had.  I am a different person with different priorities in my life now.  I have no idea what God has planned for me but I am sure it is more than what I am doing now.  Where I am going to land after this fall only God knows!

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

1 Timothy 6:12 “Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”

What if I had become what people told me?

When I was a child I remember being told by my grandma that I would never amount to anything because I was just like my mother.  My mother was the black sheep, the unsuccessful, out of the ordinary one.  My mother made a lot of bad choices in her life and was an alcoholic her whole life but she loved her children the best she knew how. However, I decided at an early age that my mother’s mistakes would not define me and I would not allow anyone including my grandma to tell me who I was going to be.  As I made my own mistakes in life I was told; I would never graduate college, I would end up pregnant at 16, I would be working fast food my whole life, I was a lost cause, and so many other things. 

I have seen my wonderfully outgoing amazingly relational husband be told he;  is too different from other leaders, not organized enough, doesn’t fit in the box, not intellectual enough, doesn’t have what it takes to graduate college, and so many other negative things, but just like myself he refuses to let others define his worth and capabilities.  God has a plan for us and He is the one in control contrary to many who try to control things themselves.

Imagine what power positive encouragement and reinforcement could mean to someone who only feels this sort of negativity.  Many people who struggle with depression, other emotional and mental struggles, or a tough life in general have a hard time seeing the positive so the more encouragement and uplifting they can get the better.  We have to remember that people are not defined by their bad choices, opinions of others, or legacy.  They are defined by the blood of Jesus Christ. 

Ephesians 4:22:24  “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness”

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So let’s just imagine what a difference it could make in the lives of so many including ourselves if we were only positive all the time.  If we took the words of the Bible and encouraged people with them instead of allowing our own feelings, desires, and motives take control.  Is that possible for you?  For me? 

What does the Bible say about how we are to treat others positively?

Luke 6:31  And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

John 13:34-35  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Ephesians 4:32  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

1 Peter 4:39  Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.

I believe our words can change the lives of others.  Our words can put out the light and send someone into darkness or it can ignite a light and passion within someone.  There is far too much negativity and darkness in the world.  Don’t you agree?  So let’s be the light, let’s change the way we respond in anger or jealousy and respond with love, kindness, forgiveness, and do more through hospitality without grumbling!

Don't leave me alone

I was listening to a song on the radio and as I heard these lyrics it really got me thinking, how many times have I or others cried out these exact words:

“Don’t leave me alone, bust down the door to my heart like it’s your home. Don’t need no keys, I’m on my knees, begging you please don’t leave me alone.”

I know so many people, including myself, who feel alone at times.  Some feel alone because they don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus.  Others like myself who do know Jesus, find ourselves in a battle and distant at times. I have had people I love recently tell me that they feel like they have lost themselves.  Like they have lost control of their mind.  Depression and other mental illnesses can cause people to act and think like they never have before.  Those who struggle with depression do not want to be the way they are, but they are imprisoned by their own mind.  Someone recently explained it this way to me; “People think depression takes feelings away, and it does, but it also strengthens some other emotions to such as pride, laziness, anger, and loneliness.”  A person with depression can be in a room filled with family and friends who love them deeply, yet they feel alone and judged.  I know there have been many times in my life that I have cried out those lyrics to God and I am sure many others have too. I am grateful that God never leaves us alone even when we feel like we are.  But just like the lyrics to many other songs say, what are we going to do here on earth for those who are hurting?  What if God has us here to be an answer to that cry and we do nothing?  Are we going to be the hands and feet of Christ and show compassion and love to the hurting? Even if they are unlike us? 

It pains my heart deeply to see so many people hurting this way, people I love.  It pains my heart even more that so many people around them are so heartless or wrapped up in themselves that they don’t even care and continue to add burdens, judgment and pain to others.  If we call ourselves a Christian then why can’t we love and care for those hurting around us, in our workplace, in our homes, in our relationships?  This world has become so cruel to those who are unlike the rest.  If they don’t fit into our plan or our box then we don’t waste our time or effort on them.  Some don’t even realize that people with a mental illness in our community have to wait outside in a line for hours to hopefully get into a clinic for counseling and medication.  How demeaning is that and we wonder why more people don’t get the help they need.  What happened to the example that Jesus left us?  He healed, fed, and made friendships with those hurting souls who were outcast by the mainstream.  What is it going to take for people to have more patience, compassion, and love for others?  What is it going to take for people to step up and fight for the rights of the mentally ill?  More deaths by suicide?  I see beautiful children dying month after month to suicide because the stigma still exists and they feel they are alone and have nowhere to go.

 I would have jumped over mountains to get my son the help he need if I had known what a serious problem depression was for him, like I understand now.  What I have learned about the mental health system since is disappointing to say the least.  So much more has to be done.  So many more people need to take a stand and fight for the rights of those suffering and break the stigma so those struggling can openly ask for help and talk about their struggles without fear of judgment and condemnation.  The change starts with all of us! 

Behind the Mask

We all wear masks to a point.  We rarely show our true selves too many but only to a select few we can trust and who love and accept us for our flawed broken selves.  I watch others closely now to read them and try and determine if they are hurting deep inside but showing a smile on the outside.  I watch as some wear a mask of a caring, loving, concerned leader but behind closed doors they belittle, hurt, judge, and control others.  I watch as in front of the crowd people give heartfelt thanks and appreciation but in a circle of few they plot to hurt and ruin that same person.  I watch as we put on a smile and appear so put together when behind closed doors we are falling apart and breaking to pieces.  I watch as judgment and criticism is placed on many instead of acceptance and understanding.  It is no wonder to me why so many of us wear masks, because if we were to show our true identity….the broken, lost, hurting..insecure part of us; imagine what others could and would do with that.  The truth is some will kick us when we are down or vulnerable.  If some are willing to kick others when they are vulnerable; imagine what they could do if true openness was shown.  Here is the thing….If we are following the example of Jesus, He loved, healed, and respected the broken. He accepted and mentored those who were unlike Him.  Jesus did not condemn, judge, and criticize the broken.  It is so disheartening to me that so many people don’t accept others for who they are; for where they are at in their life.  So many people hold expectations of what another should do or act like.  I have watched as people out of selfishness ruin the life of someone else.  This is what forces us to wear masks.  Imagine what a beautiful world it could be if we were able to take off the masks and be our true selves.  If we were able to be raw, vulnerable, and real.  No longer having to wear a mask that we have it all together or that we are in control.  Imagine what it would be like if we could all be real with one another instead of being fake behind a mask.

2 Corinthians 4:2 MSG “We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.”

 

We don't have "issues"....

Recently someone referred to our family's last year as dealing with "issues".  We are not dealing with issues.  We lost our son.  We lost our brother.  We lost a piece of our family.  We are grieving.  We are hurting.  We are struggling.  We are becoming a new version of us because life is never the same after a loved one dies.  We are healing and learning to adapt through the aftershock of death.

I am not sure if the reason they referred to our journey as "issues" was because they were unsure of how to address what we have been through to a crowd of people or because they were afraid to talk about it openly.  Our tendency in society is to not talk openly about the things we are not comfortable with.  For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open (Mark 4:22) The hard truth is we lost our son/brother to depression by suicide.  We never saw it coming.  We never expected or had any signs that was ever an option for our loved one.  We are not dealing with issues, we are dealing with real life, with real struggles and trials.  We are dealing with deep pain and grief.  I know it is difficult for people who haven't experienced it themselves to understand or verbalize what it is.  This is why more people should take the time to really listen to someone who is going through a difficult circumstance or loss.  Each person grieves differently depending on who it is they lost and their relationship with that person.  Grieving is an individual process, and not two people will experience it the same way.

"Sometimes allowing yourself to cry is the scariest thing you'll ever do.  And the bravest.  It takes a lot of courage to face the facts, stare loss in the face, bare your heart, and let it bleed.  But it is the only way to cleans your wounds and prepare them for healing.  God will take care of the rest."

 If you know someone who is experiencing a loss or has experienced a loss of someone close to them, take the time to understand their journey and understand their pain.  Don't refer to their pain and grief as issues but instead show compassion and understanding by carving out time to listen and support them and really understand all that they are going through.  Compassion and understanding goes a long way.  Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  (Col 3:12)

Turn your....

Every day should be should be a day of remembering….

I find it interesting that there are special days (All Saint’s Day/All Soul’s Day), recognized mostly by the Catholic religion, to pray for and recognize those who have passed away.  Although I think it is wonderful that people take the time to pray for, remember, and honor those who have died….why do we need a day on our calendar to do so?  I think for those of us who have lost loved ones, we find our own ways to do so daily.  We survivors find our own ways to preserve and honor their memory.  Some are more private while others pay a public tribute, but what matters most is that we find a way to accept their passing and carry forward the blessings they brought into our lives. 

Many people know of my public tributes to my son, Tommy, but I also have some private that I would like to share.  Every day I wear a piece of jewelry that carries my son’s ashes.  For me this is a constant reminder of his presence with me.  At random times people complement the beauty of the jewelry which causes me to stop for a moment and remember my son’s smile.  It also offers opportunities to share that this piece of jewelry is special to me because it carries a piece of my son in it.  I don’t always share that, but sometimes have been led to which has offered conversation with random people about my son’s story and our mission since losing him.  None of this do I believe is random, but instead each encounter and burden on my heart lead by God himself. 

I also have an angel statute that was gifted to us on the day of the funeral.  This angel brings me piece and comfort knowing my son is now surrounded by angels in heaven and loved more deeply then we could have ever hoped. The angel now sits on our mantel in the center of our living room and next to it sits the temporary grave plaque and a candle. From time to time I light the candle and always whisper Tommy’s name as I do so.  This is my secret tribute to him and a welcoming of his spirit into our home.  These are just a few things I do on a regular basis to remember and honor my son. 

Every person is different and each person finds their own way of paying tribute.  My daughter is very quiet about the pain of her loss but she found an outlet through her dance.  Last year after losing her brother she dedicated a solo dance to him.  The dance told the story of her pain and frustration over his drug abuse and struggles.  She danced it beautifully with such emotion that each time it brought me to tears.  Again this year she choose a song with the touching message of following someone to the ends of the earth.  The song writer was quoted as saying after hearing of a friend’s loss “afterwards I just started thinking of what it would be like to be him and have your whole life change so dramatically and not for the best in a matter of moments. Somebody that you live and grow with and are one with, just to be gone, is crazy and I figured all he ever thinks about probably is finding a way to get back to her or be with her or make sure she's alright or something like that. That was the sentiment behind that.”  Each of us finds a way to express our pain, to honor our loves ones.  What is right for one might not be right for another but we all have to find our way. 

 

 

My precious son...

Every day I live with the horror of finding my son the day he took his life to suicide.  There are so many times I have thought about what I could have said or done to stop my son, to save him, to get through to him how much he was loved and needed by so many, to fix the brokenness inside of him.  I know the torment my mind puts me through going over that day.  I know it doesn’t even come close to the pain he felt that morning and I am certain he didn’t really understand the effect his death would leave behind.  He didn’t realize the pain would be multiplied.

There is a sense of guilt that compounds the grief when the death is by suicide.  It’s like a boa constrictor tightening its grip and squeezing the life out of you.  There are so many things I wish I would have known, so many signs I should have seen.  I would have done anything to save my son.

Our world lost a boy with immense potential and endless possibilities, and a deep love for others.  He couldn’t see any of that through the veil of his depression.  But even though his life ended far too soon I believe that his purpose on earth was fulfilled.  He brought me so much joy and taught me to love deeper than I ever thought possible.  He was my hope and motivation during the loss of his father.        

Until this sort of loss happens to you, it’s easy to not recognize how big of an issue it is and put your head into the sand to how prevalent suicide is in our community.  I had no idea, until my son died, that suicide is the 2^nd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds and that boys are twice as likely to die by suicide.  I am now part of a community of people I never knew existed in our area, there are so many parents who have also lost their precious children to suicide. This community of survivors to suicide loss have become my support system, my hope.  We can survive this together and make a difference because we know and feel the pain together, we live through it, and we want more than anything to not have another family affected in this way.

I know there was a reason that I was the one who found him that day.  The fear gripping me, when I knew in my heart that he was gone but yet every shred of hope I had fought to not let go, so if there is any small chance he can survive he would.  It’s amazing how even when we know it is too late we do everything in our power to fight for that thread of a chance. 

Tommy’s funeral was one of the worst days of my life but filled with so many blessings as hundreds of friends and family surrounded us with love for him, for us.  The many weeks and months since have been filled with the grief roller coaster, painful flashbacks, heartfelt memories, and many situations and circumstances that I can’t even understand myself.  Going back to work, caring for my daughter and family, holding it together in public and in front of friends and family have been difficult at times but God gives me strength.  After many weeks the pressures begin to build and many we come in contact with begin to act as though our grief time should be over.  It will never be over!  Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for not being able to move on and other times I feel guilty for moving on.  It’s this constant play of grief, pain, guilt, and deep loss.  I loved my son with every part of me and he loved me too.  With great love comes great loss and grief. 

I found a purpose in making sure that our community hears my cry, hears my voice about breaking the stigma of mental illness and suicide, so that we can start to support those who need it most.  We have to change this in order to make it possible for those who are hurting to reach out and get the help that they so desperately need, before it is too late.  We are losing too many sons and daughters, beautiful souls. 

I thank God every chance I get for the time I had with my beautiful son, for the purpose He instilled in me to fight this battle and continue the journey to make changes, not only for myself but for the many other families who have been affected.  My precious son is gone from this life but stands with me every day as I Fight For Tommy and for all those who have lost their battle to suicide. 

 

Enough

I have been judged by many because my son took his life by suicide.  People question my parental skills for my child to do such a thing.  People question my faith because I don’t attend church every single Sunday. 

Well here is what I know…. I loved my son with all my heart and never gave up on him and supported him through every trial.  I never judged him, I just loved him and tried to support and help him whenever I could.  I did everything I knew and everything I could to help him.  My son did not develop a mental illness because I lacked as a parent.  It was something I had no control over. 

Every day I pray and give my life to Jesus, I don’t have to be in a church building to do that.  Every day I try to live like Jesus and love others the way Jesus did and I don’t have to be in a church building to do that.  Why do we spend so much time judging and trying to make people fit into the box we think they should fit in?  Why do we not trust that God has each of where we are for His purpose and reasons?  Why do we think everyone has to fit a certain mold to be right for the job?  What gives us the right to judge and criticize anyone?  God made us and we are ENOUGH! 

We are made to feel by so many factors around us that we are not enough.  This is where FEAR comes in. I fear not being skinny enough...pretty enough...smart enough...my blog is not good enough. Fear is a liar! I am enough. God has made me exactly how I am and put me exactly where I need to be. And with that being said, I am enough. This is how God made me...Therefore I am ENOUGH. My fears are lying to me.  Not only are they lying to me, they are stealing my joy. That's not what I want, and that is most certainly not what God intended for any of us. God doesn't want my joy or your joy to be stolen. God doesn’t want us to feel in adequate or subpar, He wants us to shine bright and live extraordinary lives. 

I have a big heart and a beautiful mind. I am me, a perfectly flawed work in progress. I try to always love others for where they are at and who they are and not for what I expect them to be.  When we try to force someone to become more like us, we rob them from being exactly who they were created to be.  I'm on a mission to raise the standards for how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat the world. There is way too much pain, hurt, judgment, and criticism in the world today and it costing us lives.  Every time we look in the mirror we need to remind ourselves that we are not alone, that we’re beautiful, that our voice matters, and that we are enough. We also need to start realizing that about those we come in contact with too!

A letter from Tommy

Hey guys, how’s it going?  It’s been over a year since I have seen you.  That’s because one day last August I got upset and felt like there was no meaning or hope in my life.  I felt like I was worthless and the world would be better off without me, so I took a belt and tied it around my neck and ended the pain that I was feeling.  I was not able to think about anything beyond the pain I was feeling in that moment.  The pain was unbearable.  I didn’t think about who would find me or the pain that this one act would cause to my family and friends.  I didn’t want anyone to find me, especially my mother because I now know the pain and agony that day and her seeing me like that will cause her the rest of her life.  I didn’t stop to wonder if there was another option because this was the only option I saw.  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to end the intense pain.

I have now missed my 20^th Birthday, Christmas with my family, my mom, dad, and sister’s birthdays, supporting my sister for her dance competition and school activities, and so much more.  I wasn’t able to go camping with my family (not that I really like the outdoors anyway), attend concerts, play with my dogs, or do all the fun activities with my family.  But mostly I missed seeing that beautiful daughter of mine born.  I was there watching over her, but I couldn’t physically support Cassie or cut the cord of my baby girl.  I was so happy to see my best friend Keegan there to support Cassie when I couldn’t.  I am so thankful that Esperanza, our HOPE, is with you all now so that you have a piece of me to help you smile.  I will never know what the future could have held for me.  There are so many things I never had the chance to say to so many people.  I hope you all know how much I loved you in my own way and appreciated each of you in my life.  I know I was loved deeply by many even though at the time I couldn’t see it.

I do know that I have caused my family incredible pain and suffering and that my Mom, Dad, Brother Mike, Sister, and daughter will never get over me leaving them.  They will never fully understand why I did what I did not matter how hard they try.  I know that my Mom suffers from PTSD and has anxiety attacks now because of me.  I know that I ruined my sisters first day of her junior year and that my sister refuses to talk about losing me, hates how sad it is for her and often cries alone more than she should.  I know that my Dad and Brother both deal with depression and deep guilt over what I did and even understand because they feel that pain too.  I know that Cassie doesn’t know what to do or feel most of the time and has guilt too.  I know I will never be able to take that trip for my 21^st Birthday with my family to Vegas.  But no one is to blame, not even me.  I had a mental illness.  I died from an illness caused by an imbalance of certain chemicals in my brain.  I really had no control over my own mind at that point because if I had been able to think past the pain, I would have realized that my daughter needed me, my sister needed me, and my family and friends would be devastated without me. 

I cannot believe how wrong I was to react the way I did.  I wish I would have called my mom, because I know she would have come in an instant and stood by my side to get me all the help I needed to recover from this illness.  I should have taken the anti-depressant medication that was prescribed to me weeks earlier instead of using drugs to cope with the pain.  I should have talked to my friends and family about what I was really feeling instead of trying to act like I was ok.  I should have made my relationship with God a priority over my relationships with others.  I wish I would have taken my illness more seriously and received the help that was needed to make me healthy again, but I didn’t and now it’s too late.  It’s not too late for you though!  PLEASE be open and honest about your struggles.  Reach out to those you love and ask for help!  Listen to your doctor and know that it is OK to take medication for an illness.  It’s OK to seek professional help if you feel like your life is worthless, because it’s NOT.  Don’t leave your family and friends behind.  Don’t miss out on birthdays, holidays, and family trips.  DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your mental illness and seek help before it’s too late. 

Well I have to go for now, got work to do up here in heaven!  I’ll be seeing you, even though you can’t see me you will know I am with you always!

Love ya, Tommy

Why I do what I do....

The day I found my son after he had taken his life by suicide my heart was broken.  Broken hearts, shattered spirits, and painful situations help open us up to God's healing presence.  I understand that not everyone grieves in the same way or on the same schedule. I am often asked how I do what I do.  How do you talk about suicide so openly?  How do you get in front of cameras and crowds of people and speak and not break down?  How do you talk about such emotional things without hysterically crying?  I do these things because it's not about me.  It's about helping others.  It's about honoring my son's life and memory while bringing glory to God.

The day my worst nightmare became my reality, I remember crying out to God. I begged God to help me survive this.  I begged God to not let my son's death be the end of his story.  I promised God that I would do anything in my power to use this tragedy for His glory if He allows me.  I knew in that moment that I would not be ashamed.  I would speak openly and honestly about my son's story.  I have been so blessed to have been introduced and put in the path of many amazing people who have helped me with many opportunities to educate and support others in my journey.  I realize that not everyone is comfortable with speaking outwardly about their suicide loss or putting their child's name on a billboard, and that is OK.  We all have our own pain and will find our own purpose in our journey.  You don't have to speak up because I will speak up for all of us.  God is my light and leads my way. 1 John 1:7  If we walk in the light, and He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.

It is important that people are education on suicide and mental illness.  It is important that Tommy's story and life be honored.  It's important that I keep Tommy's memory alive.  It is important that I share my faith journey with anyone who will listen.  It is important to my healing process that I focus on helping others.  This is why I do what I do.

Leaving a legacy of FAITH

It’s important to me and to God that I leave a legacy of faith.  When I am gone will there be someone left behind with the inheritance of my faith?  Will there be someone passing faith on because of me?   Faith is hugely important to me in my life and without it I don’t know how I would have survived what I have been through. 

I believe the when we do what God wants us to do, love God and love others, we will be blessed greatly in our lives even in the most difficult circumstances. 

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

God wants us above all to seek him in everything we do, every situation we encounter, every circumstance we find ourselves in.  God doesn’t want ritual and rules, He wants a relationship with us.  God doesn’t care if you go to church, He cares if the church is in you.  Only by faith, we can have this type of relationship with God. 

What does it mean to live by faith or to have faith?  How does that work?  There is no single definition of faith but the first chapter of Hebrews gives some clarification on faith. 

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Faith is believing in something that we cannot see.  Believing in something before we see it.  Just like the air we breath…we know it’s there but we cannot see it.  I feel God’s presence but I do not see it.  I know that He provides me comfort but I do not see Him holding me.  I feel and know that He comforted and held my son in his final moments but I did not see that.  I trust in God’s word.  I trust in God because I have experienced and seen how He has provided many blessings to me in my life. 

Faith is obeying God even when what He is asking us to do doesn’t make sense or we don’t understand it.  I don’t understand why I had to lose my son to suicide however from the very moment I realized Tommy was gone I felt and knew in my heart that God was going to use this for His glory.  I remember sitting there that day asking God why, why my son, why me?  God called me to be strong enough to speak out about this tragedy, to bring light into the dark, and allow Him to utilize me for a greater purpose then I could imagine.  I told God that day that I would allow Him to use me, to show me the way.  Obedience always involves risk.  I was risking my privacy and my family’s privacy.  I was risking being rejected by people who didn’t want to hear about suicide because if it could happen to me then it could surely happen to them.  I risked jumping out of my comfort zone into a fear zone.  I have never considered myself a speaker, especially to crowds of people I don’t know.  I told God, if you bring me opportunities, I will not say no, ever.  And to date that has been the case. 

Faith is persisting even when you feel like giving up.  There are many times throughout the last year that I didn’t want to speak, that I didn’t feel like going to a meeting, or meeting a new suicide survivor and sharing my story.  To be honest, there are days I don’t feel like doing anything.  We are part of a culture that is ruled by emotions and that is a big problem.  I know that persistence even when it’s not what I want to do is faith. 

I hope that my journey, my ministry Each Breath of Faith, is a legacy that will live on through others for many years to come and brings God glory.  I am nothing but with Faith and God, anything is possible.  

 

Answered Prayers

I had the privilege of attending a visitation for a friend’s dad.  I am always a bit apprehensive of funerals now because every single one of them brings back memories of Tommy’s.  It’s funny to say but I was blessed to be in attendance.  As we went through the line of family some we know well and some we barely know, we heard stories of what a great man their dad was.  One of his daughters shared how his eyes would be donated because he had perfect vision and beautiful eyes.  Another daughter mentioned how amazing it was that although his body was so weak and riddled with cancer that some part of him was well enough to help someone in need.  But the story that really gave me warm fuzzies and blessed my husband and me tremendously was the shared experience that came from one of his sons.  He said, “I have to tell you, I don’t pray much but last Thursday I prayed.  I asked God to please take the pain away from my dad and give him comfort.  I asked that when he pass he do so peacefully.  I just couldn’t stand to see him in pain anymore.  In that moment, as I prayed, a ray of sunlight came through the trees and I felt a sense of warmth.  I knew in that instance that God heard my prayer and it had been answered.  Following that prayer my dad’s restlessness ended and the following day he passed in his sleep peacefully.”  It was such a blessing to hear this story and see the excitement in his eyes over something such as this.  It showed that even in our most difficult circumstances, God hears our prayers and comforts us.  Even those of us who don’t pray regularly!  I know many people including us had been praying for his dad but God wanted to hear from him and once He did, He answered.

After the visitation, on my way back to work I called a lady whose number I received from a fellow mother who lost her child to suicide.  I have never met this woman I was calling and didn’t know her story so wasn’t sure what to expect out of the phone conversation.  All I knew was she too lost a child to suicide.  Our conversation started out with her sharing her story and then I shared mine…The blessing came when we realized through the conversation that our son’s although different in age had taken their lives on the same day (August 18) exactly three years apart.  Another coincidence, if that is what you want to call it, the Chaplain who responded the day her son shot himself was her Pastor and he was not supposed to be on shift that day but was filling in for someone else.  That same Chaplain responded to the call the day my son hung himself.  Not only did our sons take their lives on the same day but the same Chaplain responded to both calls.  How did we figure that out?  Because as I shared my story about getting the text that day and leaving work to go check on Tommy only to find him dead, she said, “on Sterling Ave, right?”.  I stopped mid-sentence and responded “yes”.  She said in a hushed voice “I saw you that day.”  Say what?  She proceeded to share with me that she was walking that day and saw me in the front of house crying.   She felt one mother’s heart to another that something terrible happened to my child and wanted to stop and offer support, but like many of us do she ignored the tug on her heart.  She saw that her Pastor was there on Chaplain duty and so later asked him about what happened.  She shared that she always wished she would have stopped that day.  She prayed for me since that day and that God answered her prayer by this very conversation because she always hoped she would come in contact with me again.  God is a God of second chances! Another answered prayer.

We know we are supposed to pray.  We read stories in the Bible all the time about prayers that were answered, but I know if you’re anything like me you often wonder why more of our prayers go unanswered then answered.  Could it be because we expect and think we know when and how God should answer, but God’s timing and plan is much different than ours?  I often think about the pain and anguish my son felt for so long.  God saw and knew.  We prayed for his safety.  We prayed for his healing.  We prayed for him to be released from the demons he faced.  One of the songs that would always bring tears to my eyes and make me think of my son each and every time I heard it was; You’ll Come by Hillsong.  I would often pray the lyrics over my son as he slept.  Chains be broken; Lives be healed; Eyes be opened; Christ is revealed; I have decided; I have resolved; To wait upon You, Lord.  I wanted so desperately for the chains that binded my son and held him hostage to be broken.  I knew that only the Lord had the power to do so.  I believe that the Lord did answer that prayer and broke those chains the day my son died.  The prayer wasn’t answered the way I wanted it to be, but it was answered.  My son was broken and suffering but also knew and accepted Christ.  I believe the Lord was there to hold my son and take him home where he no longer had to be chained down by his illness and past mistakes.  He is now free from pain, free from the chains.  His eyes opened to the Lord who welcomed him with open arms.  Christ revealed to my son His love for us by loving and forgiving Tommy for allowing his illness to react to the circumstances.  Christ knew my son’s heart and that the action of taking his life came from the illness in his head and not from his heart. 

I believe Jesus does welcome home a believer who died at their own hands.  My biblical basis? It is the hope-giving promise of Romans 8:32, that neither life nor death can separate the believer from the love of God in Christ Jesus.  How can I trust in this promise and then deny its comfort to people who grieve for brothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers who in horrible moments of despair decided to end their lives? I believe that Jesus died not only for the sins of us all but for all of our sins, including the forgotten ones, including suicide.  He hears our prayers, even the unspoken prayers, and answers them in His own way in His own time.  He is the God of second chances. 

Storms make trees, take deeper roots

My beautiful daughter painted a canvas with this quote for our dear friend who lost her son in July.  I was reflecting on these words and became overwhelmed with how important they are and how thankful I am that my daughter would say these words as encouragement to someone experiencing great loss such as we have. 

Trees are tall and beautiful, they stand when we fall, and endure through the many seasons.  Did you know there are more than thirty different trees named in the Bible?  Trees are charged with the power and glory of God.  Trees bear fruit to provide nourishment for us.  Trees provide wood for us to build homes and provide necessary warmth.  Trees are majestic and enchanted. 

Isaiah 41:19-20 "I will plant in the wilderness the cedar, the shittah tree, and the myrtle, and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the fir tree, and the pine, and the box tree together: That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand together, that the hand of the LORD hath done this, and the Holy One of Israel hath created it."

This started me thinking about the completeness and perfection of trees and how they relate to our life. How this simple statement my daughter made in a canvas is of real significance in our everyday life.  How incredibly thankful I am that we instilled the deep roots into her life from a young age so that she can survive the storms of life.   

The most important part of our tree remains underground. It is hidden. The roots are what ground, or hold the tree in place. Without roots there would be no tree.

2 Kings 19:30 - And the remnant that is escaped of the house of Judah shall yet again take root downward, and bear fruit upward.

Our root system should be God and the things of God. While God cannot be seen in us the results of Jesus Christ living in us should be obvious to those around us. I cannot see Jesus Christ in you. You cannot see Him in me. But I hope that you can see the evidence of Christ in my life by the way I live and I in you.

It’s so incredibly important to take deeper roots in Christ because without that firm foundation when things happen such as the loss of a child or brother you will crack.  One of my greatest fears is that many people I love deeply have not taken deep roots and if and when the time comes where they have to face the biggest storm of their life, they might be destroyed.  However, it’s not too start digging those roots deeper and building a foundation that is firm in God. I hope that my example of this will encourage others to do the same. 

The Bible talks about the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law."

When Christ comes into your life and you surrender to God and allow the Holy Spirit to work on you then many great things happen:

·         Where there was once hatred now there will be love.

·         Sorrow will be replaced by joy.

·         Where turmoil and chaos ruled now there will be peace.

·         A quick temper and a short fuse will be replaced by forbearance and patience.

·         Hardness and resentment will give way to kindness and forgiveness.

·         Selfishness will no longer be dominant but goodness will shine forth.

·         Faith will replace all doubt and fear.

·         Pride will disappear and gentleness will be evident as you humble yourself.

·         Self-control will emerge as a person conquers the flesh and walks in the Spirit.

Just like we cannot see the roots of a tree but know that they have to be there in order for the tree to exist and survive the storm, the evidence of Jesus Christ in a person's life will be demonstrated in a changed heart, life and attitude.

God is the foundation on which our family tree must be built. God must be present in every part of our tree for it to grow and produce.

Isolation

I think it's very common when going through difficult circumstances or devastating loss, we want to isolate ourselves from others.   We do this because we don’t want people to see us in our weakest state or because we are avoiding opening ourselves up for real and meaningful conversations because it hurts.  Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable is difficult.  Our instinct is to shut down in order to protect ourselves.  I’ve had people say to me, how do you handle so many people around all the time?  Or tell me they are not as brave as I am to be around so many people in my weakest moments. I have watched people I care for deeply exclude themselves from events to stay home by themselves.  I started reflecting on these things today.  Why it is that I am so open to accepting the love and support of others around me during the most difficult times of my life?  Don’t get me wrong, much too your surprise I fight the same fight you all do.  My instinct is often to close down and curl up in my bed and steer clear from everyone and anyone, however I know in my heart and mind that is completely unhealthy for me.  I often tell people if I allow myself to be consumed by the thoughts and feelings in my head that I would fall deeply into a dark hole and there may be no pulling me back out. Being surrounded by loved ones and fellow believers reminds me why life is still worth living and gives me a purpose. 

This is what I know as truth from God’s word; Christians should NEVER isolate themselves from other believers. People should NEVER isolate themselves from other people.  How do I know this?  Because I saw my son isolate himself and we all know how that turned out.  It’s not only dangerous but unhealthy.  How are we to expand God’s kingdom if we separate ourselves from other people? How are we to help others or allow others to help us if we seperate ourselves from our family and friends?  How are we to allow God to work through us for His glory and for the salvation of others if we separate ourselves from other people; both believers and nonbelievers? 

We are called to put others before ourselves.  Remember JOY?; Jesus, Others, You….This order gives us true joy in life.  Isolation shows selfishness and our spiritual growth will suffer because of it. God did not make us to be alone. We are all part of the body of Christ and we are told to have fellowship with one another. Would Satan rather come after a group of believers having fellowship and building each other up in Christ or would he rather come after a struggling loner? When we isolate ourselves we open up the door for Satan to attack our thoughts and mind.  Satan’s goal is to tear us down and make us believe we are unworthy.  Unfortunately he succeeded with Tommy but I will speak up against this so it doesn't happen to someone else.  We need to continually surround ourselves with fellow believers who will love on us and build us up when we are struggling through life’s difficult circumstances and at our weakest. 

Don’t believe me?  Listen to God’s words: 

Proverbs 18:1 One who has isolated himself seeks his own desires; he rejects all sound judgment.

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

 

Your last words

One year ago my worst nightmare became a reality and our lives were forever changed when we lost our son Tommy by suicide.  Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like forever ago since I hugged my boy.  I miss him just as much today as I did months ago.  People say the pain of loss gets easier with time.  I don’t think that it gets easier you just learn how to adjust to it with time.  My heart hurts just as much now as it did that dreadful day.  I still have the same questions I did that day.  I still cry often and feel a void in life however I have learned how to hold onto the memories and keep him present in my life daily.  I don’t ever want to forget him, not that I ever could but sometimes we get so busy that it seems almost possible and the thought of that scares me.  He will always be a part of me and my daily life, ALWAYS. 

The last thing my son typed on his facebook page before he took his life was “Remind me again what I’m good for, hahah jk I already know”.  The last words he scribbled on a sheet of paper was “Don’t blame yourself”.  How do any of these words help?  I had no idea that there was a note left until days after his death because as I was in the room with him that dreadful day I was more consumed with the prayers that he somehow survive this then I was with searching around for clues.  When I found out there was a note I hoped it would give me some sort of clue as to what he was thinking and why he would have done this.  Was there anything I could have said or done?  How could I have no clue things where so terribly wrong inside his head?  How could I not have known that he was at the end of his fight?  What I do know is that none of the answers to those questions will ever change the fact that he is gone.. forever. 

Oh my precious son, you were good for so many things.  You were good for smiling the brightest smile that would light up anyone’s day.  You were good for always keeping us on our toes.  You were good for playing with your nieces and nephews as they looked up to you because you were “so cool”.  You were good for making us laugh because of the way you would belt out a song and act like you were Usher but came off more like Bart Simpson.  You were good for being smarter then you acted.  You were good for making people love you just by being exactly who you were and despite the trouble you would get yourself into.  You were good for getting me through some of the most difficult times of my life.  You were good for pointing out things in us that we didn’t really want to see but needed to.  You were good for forgiving people easily.  You were good for loving people for exactly who they were and not trying to change them.  You were good for teaching me the right and wrong way to respond to you when you were upset.  You were good for allowing me to hug and kiss your head whenever I needed to.  You were good for listening to your sister and standing up for her when you needed to.  You were good for us.  You were a good brother, son, uncle, and friend.  You would have been a good father.  There were so many qualities about you that were good.  Your life was worth more than your mind lead you to believe.  I wish you knew how good you were to us and how good you were to have in our lives. 

As for the note, how could any of us not blame ourselves?  Right there that tells me that your mind was not thinking straight to make such a comment.  It was my job as your mother to protect you and somehow I failed and for that I will always blame myself somewhat.  I should have known.  I should have done more.  I should have saved you.  I know that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, but I sure will learn from this and do everything in my power to never let it happen again if at all possible. 

There are so many times over the last year that I have wished this wasn’t my life.  How could this be my life?  How could this happen to my son?  But we don’t get to choose what happens to us nor do we get to question them.  Would we question the good things?  No, but we think we can question the bad.  The life we are given is a gift.  Both good and bad circumstances in our lives are a gift.  Yes it may appear that I have had more bad than good, but that is truly not the case.  In all honestly I probably shouldn’t even be here at all.  I don’t know why this happened but what I do know is that because of it I have a purpose.  I also have your sister and daughter that give me a reason to be brave and continue to fight each day.

I choose to remember the 19+ years that I was blessed to have you in my life as a gift.  From the day you were born and opened up those big eyes and looked right into mine.  As an infant and toddler you would smile and shine those bright eyes to anyone who would look your way.  You had a way of getting people to smile.  Your pre-teens gave us a run for our money as you developed some mad soccer skills along with a mad attitude, but when you wanted to be sweet you were oh so sweet.  As a teenager you still could make my heart melt with your smile and apparently a lot of the girls too.  You were such a cool guy but especially shy unless you had the backup of some friends.  Your laugh would bring a smile to my face quickly.  Many times I would laugh with you because I couldn’t help myself.  I miss the way you would plop yourself on my bed and start a random conversation.  You were always so respectful and loving to everyone in your life even in those times you were struggling. You were an amazing young man.  I was so incredibly blessed to call you my son and so proud of you and all the things you conquered and survived.  I know you knew how much I loved you and I know you loved us with all your heart too.  If there was anything anyone of us could have done we would have.  You are missed today, tomorrow, and always. 

Press On

The loss of a child to a mother is like no other for there is a connection to that child through the womb that is not experienced by anyone else in that child’s life.  In the last year, there are days where the burden of the loss consumes me.  Days where my heart, soul, and entire spirit is tired and sorrowful.  I know that it is only through the strength provided by God and the reasons listed below that I have been able to press on. 

JESUS… I do not want to disappoint God and know that He sacrificed His son for our forgiveness and freedom.  God promises He is close to the broken-hearted.  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4) There’s comfort in knowing that God understands my pain and hurt. I can trust Him to give me strength and peace in the midst of my sorrow.  Trusting Him comes with FAITH.  As a believer in Christ we tend to grieve differently with hope because we know the end of the story.  We live in peace even when life doesn’t make sense and we don’t have all the answers. I know that God is with us and God loves us.  Tommy took his life in a moment of complete despair but he was not alone.  In his legacy we have hope because we know there’s more to the story than just here and now.  We live in a broken world where things aren’t perfect and bad things happen all the time but, our God is good.  The world doesn’t make sense but then I remember that there is a heaven where everything is going to be restored one day. On earth, I will never understand all of God’s ways, but He has promised His peace and presence even during the most difficult times.  The reason I press on is because I believe if I give my heart and soul to Jesus and live my life even in the darkest times for his glory, I will see my son again someday.  So through the storms I will praise Him, because I will not allow Satan to win this battle. 

MY HUSBAND… Cory is an amazing man of God.  He is our rock and our constant reminder that when God wants someone to be used for His glory, He always gets his man.  Often times, people look at Cory as immature and goofy so they don’t take the time to see the amazing character and quality that lies underneath.  They don’t realize that the goofiness is often a coping mechanism for the insecurities and pain he feels.  This man has the biggest heart of anyone I know and loves to serve our God by pouring into youth.  His greatest concern is the salvation of those in his life.  He is far from perfect and often makes mistakes but works hard to be the best that he can be for us and for his congregation and youth. He is a great example of a man who is led by the Holy Spirit and not his own selfish desires.  I press on because sometimes I am the only person who gives Cory the encouragement and support that he is worthy of and the thought of him not having that is unimaginable.

MY DAUGHTER….Makaya is my precious gift and also my payback for all the heartache and attitude I gave my mom.  Makaya is more like me then she probably want to be.  She is extremely motivated and adventurous but also insecure and emotional.  She is tough and has been through more than any 17 year old girl should have to experience.  Her heart loves deeply and because of that the price of loss is abundant heartache.  She knows exactly what she wants out of life and relationships and deliberately works towards those aspirations.  She is gorgeous but doesn’t really know or accept it.  She is humble, kind, sweet, and sassy.  She is and always will be my little girl who enjoys many of the same things I do and who needs to cuddle with her mommy when she is having a rough night. My bright eyed girl is so incredibly brave but she still needs me.  I press on because I can’t imagine my beautiful girl experiencing anymore pain then she already has. 

MY GRANDAUGHTER… Esperanza (HOPE) is the gift our son and God graciously blessed us.  This treasured bundle of hope is more than I could have ever of imagined.  Her smile can cure any amount of pain.  The way she looks into my eyes at times brings me to a place of peace because I see her daddy looking back at me through those eyes.  She already has so many characteristics and features of her daddy.  God knew that we would need this gift to get us through some of our roughest days.  Espi will always know who her daddy is and how much he loves her because that is our purpose in her life.  I press on because I want to see only the best for this little princess and make sure that she knows what an amazing man her daddy was. 

The rivers water....

For the past couple days I have walked across the river during my lunch hour.  As I crossed today I reflected on the water and how it flows.  Have you ever taken time to really reflect on such a thing?  The river water runs in the opposite direction of the bridge.  This is much like life isn’t it?  We are on a path to wherever it is we are going that is headed in one direction but there is a current around us that is trying to yank us off course in a different direction.  Sometimes the currents strength can take us under and we battle to get above the water to take a breath.  At times the current is so strong it yanks your whole family under.  I remember being told that in order not to drown when you are pulled under water by the current you are told to hold your breath and relax until you come out of the tide then swim to the surface.  The reason behind that theory is that when you fight the current you go further under.  I find difficulty in fully buying into that theory.  I mean my belief is that you should always fight for what you want and love in life.  You should fight to live.  But maybe it’s not about giving up but giving in.   It’s trusting in the current to take you back to shore.  This is much like how we trust God to get us through rough circumstances. 

Because of Jesus Christ we have a living water that flows in our hearts that will keep us afloat when we get caught in the current.      

Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’” John 7:38 (NLT)

Jesus died so that we can have the living water within us.  It doesn’t matter what type whirlwind current we find ourselves in, the living water will give us the strength to hold on until the current slows and we can find our breath again.  When we rely on the Holy Spirit all things are possible with the power of God. 

I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit.  I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God.  1 Corinthians 2:5 (NLT)

We have to trust in something in life so why not the power of God?  We will have ups and downs in life just like the river current, but the key is to not give up and trust in God to carry us through. Maintaining a positive outlook while in the tide of life is a challenge.  It takes bravery and courage.  When you are knocked down by the river current, have the courage to hold on and fight your way out of the tide by trusting in the Lord.  Don’t allow fear to control you or hold you under.  Remember the promises of God:

God Promises Eternal Life – 1 John 2:25, Isaiah 49:25

God Promises a New Heart and Forgiveness – Ezekiel 36:26, 1 John 1:9, Psalm 103:12

God Promises to Supply All Our Needs – Phil 4:19, Romans 8:32, Psalm 84:11

God Promises Deliverance from Fear – Psalm 91:4-6, Psalm 34:4

God Promises the End to Suffering and Pain – Revelations 21:4