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Every day should be should be a day of remembering….

I find it interesting that there are special days (All Saint’s Day/All Soul’s Day), recognized mostly by the Catholic religion, to pray for and recognize those who have passed away.  Although I think it is wonderful that people take the time to pray for, remember, and honor those who have died….why do we need a day on our calendar to do so?  I think for those of us who have lost loved ones, we find our own ways to do so daily.  We survivors find our own ways to preserve and honor their memory.  Some are more private while others pay a public tribute, but what matters most is that we find a way to accept their passing and carry forward the blessings they brought into our lives. 

Many people know of my public tributes to my son, Tommy, but I also have some private that I would like to share.  Every day I wear a piece of jewelry that carries my son’s ashes.  For me this is a constant reminder of his presence with me.  At random times people complement the beauty of the jewelry which causes me to stop for a moment and remember my son’s smile.  It also offers opportunities to share that this piece of jewelry is special to me because it carries a piece of my son in it.  I don’t always share that, but sometimes have been led to which has offered conversation with random people about my son’s story and our mission since losing him.  None of this do I believe is random, but instead each encounter and burden on my heart lead by God himself. 

I also have an angel statute that was gifted to us on the day of the funeral.  This angel brings me piece and comfort knowing my son is now surrounded by angels in heaven and loved more deeply then we could have ever hoped. The angel now sits on our mantel in the center of our living room and next to it sits the temporary grave plaque and a candle. From time to time I light the candle and always whisper Tommy’s name as I do so.  This is my secret tribute to him and a welcoming of his spirit into our home.  These are just a few things I do on a regular basis to remember and honor my son. 

Every person is different and each person finds their own way of paying tribute.  My daughter is very quiet about the pain of her loss but she found an outlet through her dance.  Last year after losing her brother she dedicated a solo dance to him.  The dance told the story of her pain and frustration over his drug abuse and struggles.  She danced it beautifully with such emotion that each time it brought me to tears.  Again this year she choose a song with the touching message of following someone to the ends of the earth.  The song writer was quoted as saying after hearing of a friend’s loss “afterwards I just started thinking of what it would be like to be him and have your whole life change so dramatically and not for the best in a matter of moments. Somebody that you live and grow with and are one with, just to be gone, is crazy and I figured all he ever thinks about probably is finding a way to get back to her or be with her or make sure she's alright or something like that. That was the sentiment behind that.”  Each of us finds a way to express our pain, to honor our loves ones.  What is right for one might not be right for another but we all have to find our way. 

 

 

My precious son...

Every day I live with the horror of finding my son the day he took his life to suicide.  There are so many times I have thought about what I could have said or done to stop my son, to save him, to get through to him how much he was loved and needed by so many, to fix the brokenness inside of him.  I know the torment my mind puts me through going over that day.  I know it doesn’t even come close to the pain he felt that morning and I am certain he didn’t really understand the effect his death would leave behind.  He didn’t realize the pain would be multiplied.

There is a sense of guilt that compounds the grief when the death is by suicide.  It’s like a boa constrictor tightening its grip and squeezing the life out of you.  There are so many things I wish I would have known, so many signs I should have seen.  I would have done anything to save my son.

Our world lost a boy with immense potential and endless possibilities, and a deep love for others.  He couldn’t see any of that through the veil of his depression.  But even though his life ended far too soon I believe that his purpose on earth was fulfilled.  He brought me so much joy and taught me to love deeper than I ever thought possible.  He was my hope and motivation during the loss of his father.        

Until this sort of loss happens to you, it’s easy to not recognize how big of an issue it is and put your head into the sand to how prevalent suicide is in our community.  I had no idea, until my son died, that suicide is the 2^nd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds and that boys are twice as likely to die by suicide.  I am now part of a community of people I never knew existed in our area, there are so many parents who have also lost their precious children to suicide. This community of survivors to suicide loss have become my support system, my hope.  We can survive this together and make a difference because we know and feel the pain together, we live through it, and we want more than anything to not have another family affected in this way.

I know there was a reason that I was the one who found him that day.  The fear gripping me, when I knew in my heart that he was gone but yet every shred of hope I had fought to not let go, so if there is any small chance he can survive he would.  It’s amazing how even when we know it is too late we do everything in our power to fight for that thread of a chance. 

Tommy’s funeral was one of the worst days of my life but filled with so many blessings as hundreds of friends and family surrounded us with love for him, for us.  The many weeks and months since have been filled with the grief roller coaster, painful flashbacks, heartfelt memories, and many situations and circumstances that I can’t even understand myself.  Going back to work, caring for my daughter and family, holding it together in public and in front of friends and family have been difficult at times but God gives me strength.  After many weeks the pressures begin to build and many we come in contact with begin to act as though our grief time should be over.  It will never be over!  Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for not being able to move on and other times I feel guilty for moving on.  It’s this constant play of grief, pain, guilt, and deep loss.  I loved my son with every part of me and he loved me too.  With great love comes great loss and grief. 

I found a purpose in making sure that our community hears my cry, hears my voice about breaking the stigma of mental illness and suicide, so that we can start to support those who need it most.  We have to change this in order to make it possible for those who are hurting to reach out and get the help that they so desperately need, before it is too late.  We are losing too many sons and daughters, beautiful souls. 

I thank God every chance I get for the time I had with my beautiful son, for the purpose He instilled in me to fight this battle and continue the journey to make changes, not only for myself but for the many other families who have been affected.  My precious son is gone from this life but stands with me every day as I Fight For Tommy and for all those who have lost their battle to suicide. 

 

Enough

I have been judged by many because my son took his life by suicide.  People question my parental skills for my child to do such a thing.  People question my faith because I don’t attend church every single Sunday. 

Well here is what I know…. I loved my son with all my heart and never gave up on him and supported him through every trial.  I never judged him, I just loved him and tried to support and help him whenever I could.  I did everything I knew and everything I could to help him.  My son did not develop a mental illness because I lacked as a parent.  It was something I had no control over. 

Every day I pray and give my life to Jesus, I don’t have to be in a church building to do that.  Every day I try to live like Jesus and love others the way Jesus did and I don’t have to be in a church building to do that.  Why do we spend so much time judging and trying to make people fit into the box we think they should fit in?  Why do we not trust that God has each of where we are for His purpose and reasons?  Why do we think everyone has to fit a certain mold to be right for the job?  What gives us the right to judge and criticize anyone?  God made us and we are ENOUGH! 

We are made to feel by so many factors around us that we are not enough.  This is where FEAR comes in. I fear not being skinny enough...pretty enough...smart enough...my blog is not good enough. Fear is a liar! I am enough. God has made me exactly how I am and put me exactly where I need to be. And with that being said, I am enough. This is how God made me...Therefore I am ENOUGH. My fears are lying to me.  Not only are they lying to me, they are stealing my joy. That's not what I want, and that is most certainly not what God intended for any of us. God doesn't want my joy or your joy to be stolen. God doesn’t want us to feel in adequate or subpar, He wants us to shine bright and live extraordinary lives. 

I have a big heart and a beautiful mind. I am me, a perfectly flawed work in progress. I try to always love others for where they are at and who they are and not for what I expect them to be.  When we try to force someone to become more like us, we rob them from being exactly who they were created to be.  I'm on a mission to raise the standards for how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat the world. There is way too much pain, hurt, judgment, and criticism in the world today and it costing us lives.  Every time we look in the mirror we need to remind ourselves that we are not alone, that we’re beautiful, that our voice matters, and that we are enough. We also need to start realizing that about those we come in contact with too!

A letter from Tommy

Hey guys, how’s it going?  It’s been over a year since I have seen you.  That’s because one day last August I got upset and felt like there was no meaning or hope in my life.  I felt like I was worthless and the world would be better off without me, so I took a belt and tied it around my neck and ended the pain that I was feeling.  I was not able to think about anything beyond the pain I was feeling in that moment.  The pain was unbearable.  I didn’t think about who would find me or the pain that this one act would cause to my family and friends.  I didn’t want anyone to find me, especially my mother because I now know the pain and agony that day and her seeing me like that will cause her the rest of her life.  I didn’t stop to wonder if there was another option because this was the only option I saw.  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to end the intense pain.

I have now missed my 20^th Birthday, Christmas with my family, my mom, dad, and sister’s birthdays, supporting my sister for her dance competition and school activities, and so much more.  I wasn’t able to go camping with my family (not that I really like the outdoors anyway), attend concerts, play with my dogs, or do all the fun activities with my family.  But mostly I missed seeing that beautiful daughter of mine born.  I was there watching over her, but I couldn’t physically support Cassie or cut the cord of my baby girl.  I was so happy to see my best friend Keegan there to support Cassie when I couldn’t.  I am so thankful that Esperanza, our HOPE, is with you all now so that you have a piece of me to help you smile.  I will never know what the future could have held for me.  There are so many things I never had the chance to say to so many people.  I hope you all know how much I loved you in my own way and appreciated each of you in my life.  I know I was loved deeply by many even though at the time I couldn’t see it.

I do know that I have caused my family incredible pain and suffering and that my Mom, Dad, Brother Mike, Sister, and daughter will never get over me leaving them.  They will never fully understand why I did what I did not matter how hard they try.  I know that my Mom suffers from PTSD and has anxiety attacks now because of me.  I know that I ruined my sisters first day of her junior year and that my sister refuses to talk about losing me, hates how sad it is for her and often cries alone more than she should.  I know that my Dad and Brother both deal with depression and deep guilt over what I did and even understand because they feel that pain too.  I know that Cassie doesn’t know what to do or feel most of the time and has guilt too.  I know I will never be able to take that trip for my 21^st Birthday with my family to Vegas.  But no one is to blame, not even me.  I had a mental illness.  I died from an illness caused by an imbalance of certain chemicals in my brain.  I really had no control over my own mind at that point because if I had been able to think past the pain, I would have realized that my daughter needed me, my sister needed me, and my family and friends would be devastated without me. 

I cannot believe how wrong I was to react the way I did.  I wish I would have called my mom, because I know she would have come in an instant and stood by my side to get me all the help I needed to recover from this illness.  I should have taken the anti-depressant medication that was prescribed to me weeks earlier instead of using drugs to cope with the pain.  I should have talked to my friends and family about what I was really feeling instead of trying to act like I was ok.  I should have made my relationship with God a priority over my relationships with others.  I wish I would have taken my illness more seriously and received the help that was needed to make me healthy again, but I didn’t and now it’s too late.  It’s not too late for you though!  PLEASE be open and honest about your struggles.  Reach out to those you love and ask for help!  Listen to your doctor and know that it is OK to take medication for an illness.  It’s OK to seek professional help if you feel like your life is worthless, because it’s NOT.  Don’t leave your family and friends behind.  Don’t miss out on birthdays, holidays, and family trips.  DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your mental illness and seek help before it’s too late. 

Well I have to go for now, got work to do up here in heaven!  I’ll be seeing you, even though you can’t see me you will know I am with you always!

Love ya, Tommy

Why I do what I do....

The day I found my son after he had taken his life by suicide my heart was broken.  Broken hearts, shattered spirits, and painful situations help open us up to God's healing presence.  I understand that not everyone grieves in the same way or on the same schedule. I am often asked how I do what I do.  How do you talk about suicide so openly?  How do you get in front of cameras and crowds of people and speak and not break down?  How do you talk about such emotional things without hysterically crying?  I do these things because it's not about me.  It's about helping others.  It's about honoring my son's life and memory while bringing glory to God.

The day my worst nightmare became my reality, I remember crying out to God. I begged God to help me survive this.  I begged God to not let my son's death be the end of his story.  I promised God that I would do anything in my power to use this tragedy for His glory if He allows me.  I knew in that moment that I would not be ashamed.  I would speak openly and honestly about my son's story.  I have been so blessed to have been introduced and put in the path of many amazing people who have helped me with many opportunities to educate and support others in my journey.  I realize that not everyone is comfortable with speaking outwardly about their suicide loss or putting their child's name on a billboard, and that is OK.  We all have our own pain and will find our own purpose in our journey.  You don't have to speak up because I will speak up for all of us.  God is my light and leads my way. 1 John 1:7  If we walk in the light, and He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.

It is important that people are education on suicide and mental illness.  It is important that Tommy's story and life be honored.  It's important that I keep Tommy's memory alive.  It is important that I share my faith journey with anyone who will listen.  It is important to my healing process that I focus on helping others.  This is why I do what I do.

Leaving a legacy of FAITH

It’s important to me and to God that I leave a legacy of faith.  When I am gone will there be someone left behind with the inheritance of my faith?  Will there be someone passing faith on because of me?   Faith is hugely important to me in my life and without it I don’t know how I would have survived what I have been through. 

I believe the when we do what God wants us to do, love God and love others, we will be blessed greatly in our lives even in the most difficult circumstances. 

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

God wants us above all to seek him in everything we do, every situation we encounter, every circumstance we find ourselves in.  God doesn’t want ritual and rules, He wants a relationship with us.  God doesn’t care if you go to church, He cares if the church is in you.  Only by faith, we can have this type of relationship with God. 

What does it mean to live by faith or to have faith?  How does that work?  There is no single definition of faith but the first chapter of Hebrews gives some clarification on faith. 

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Faith is believing in something that we cannot see.  Believing in something before we see it.  Just like the air we breath…we know it’s there but we cannot see it.  I feel God’s presence but I do not see it.  I know that He provides me comfort but I do not see Him holding me.  I feel and know that He comforted and held my son in his final moments but I did not see that.  I trust in God’s word.  I trust in God because I have experienced and seen how He has provided many blessings to me in my life. 

Faith is obeying God even when what He is asking us to do doesn’t make sense or we don’t understand it.  I don’t understand why I had to lose my son to suicide however from the very moment I realized Tommy was gone I felt and knew in my heart that God was going to use this for His glory.  I remember sitting there that day asking God why, why my son, why me?  God called me to be strong enough to speak out about this tragedy, to bring light into the dark, and allow Him to utilize me for a greater purpose then I could imagine.  I told God that day that I would allow Him to use me, to show me the way.  Obedience always involves risk.  I was risking my privacy and my family’s privacy.  I was risking being rejected by people who didn’t want to hear about suicide because if it could happen to me then it could surely happen to them.  I risked jumping out of my comfort zone into a fear zone.  I have never considered myself a speaker, especially to crowds of people I don’t know.  I told God, if you bring me opportunities, I will not say no, ever.  And to date that has been the case. 

Faith is persisting even when you feel like giving up.  There are many times throughout the last year that I didn’t want to speak, that I didn’t feel like going to a meeting, or meeting a new suicide survivor and sharing my story.  To be honest, there are days I don’t feel like doing anything.  We are part of a culture that is ruled by emotions and that is a big problem.  I know that persistence even when it’s not what I want to do is faith. 

I hope that my journey, my ministry Each Breath of Faith, is a legacy that will live on through others for many years to come and brings God glory.  I am nothing but with Faith and God, anything is possible.