My precious son...

Every day I live with the horror of finding my son the day he took his life to suicide.  There are so many times I have thought about what I could have said or done to stop my son, to save him, to get through to him how much he was loved and needed by so many, to fix the brokenness inside of him.  I know the torment my mind puts me through going over that day.  I know it doesn’t even come close to the pain he felt that morning and I am certain he didn’t really understand the effect his death would leave behind.  He didn’t realize the pain would be multiplied.

There is a sense of guilt that compounds the grief when the death is by suicide.  It’s like a boa constrictor tightening its grip and squeezing the life out of you.  There are so many things I wish I would have known, so many signs I should have seen.  I would have done anything to save my son.

Our world lost a boy with immense potential and endless possibilities, and a deep love for others.  He couldn’t see any of that through the veil of his depression.  But even though his life ended far too soon I believe that his purpose on earth was fulfilled.  He brought me so much joy and taught me to love deeper than I ever thought possible.  He was my hope and motivation during the loss of his father.        

Until this sort of loss happens to you, it’s easy to not recognize how big of an issue it is and put your head into the sand to how prevalent suicide is in our community.  I had no idea, until my son died, that suicide is the 2^nd leading cause of death among 15-24 year olds and that boys are twice as likely to die by suicide.  I am now part of a community of people I never knew existed in our area, there are so many parents who have also lost their precious children to suicide. This community of survivors to suicide loss have become my support system, my hope.  We can survive this together and make a difference because we know and feel the pain together, we live through it, and we want more than anything to not have another family affected in this way.

I know there was a reason that I was the one who found him that day.  The fear gripping me, when I knew in my heart that he was gone but yet every shred of hope I had fought to not let go, so if there is any small chance he can survive he would.  It’s amazing how even when we know it is too late we do everything in our power to fight for that thread of a chance. 

Tommy’s funeral was one of the worst days of my life but filled with so many blessings as hundreds of friends and family surrounded us with love for him, for us.  The many weeks and months since have been filled with the grief roller coaster, painful flashbacks, heartfelt memories, and many situations and circumstances that I can’t even understand myself.  Going back to work, caring for my daughter and family, holding it together in public and in front of friends and family have been difficult at times but God gives me strength.  After many weeks the pressures begin to build and many we come in contact with begin to act as though our grief time should be over.  It will never be over!  Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty for not being able to move on and other times I feel guilty for moving on.  It’s this constant play of grief, pain, guilt, and deep loss.  I loved my son with every part of me and he loved me too.  With great love comes great loss and grief. 

I found a purpose in making sure that our community hears my cry, hears my voice about breaking the stigma of mental illness and suicide, so that we can start to support those who need it most.  We have to change this in order to make it possible for those who are hurting to reach out and get the help that they so desperately need, before it is too late.  We are losing too many sons and daughters, beautiful souls. 

I thank God every chance I get for the time I had with my beautiful son, for the purpose He instilled in me to fight this battle and continue the journey to make changes, not only for myself but for the many other families who have been affected.  My precious son is gone from this life but stands with me every day as I Fight For Tommy and for all those who have lost their battle to suicide.