The rivers water....

For the past couple days I have walked across the river during my lunch hour.  As I crossed today I reflected on the water and how it flows.  Have you ever taken time to really reflect on such a thing?  The river water runs in the opposite direction of the bridge.  This is much like life isn’t it?  We are on a path to wherever it is we are going that is headed in one direction but there is a current around us that is trying to yank us off course in a different direction.  Sometimes the currents strength can take us under and we battle to get above the water to take a breath.  At times the current is so strong it yanks your whole family under.  I remember being told that in order not to drown when you are pulled under water by the current you are told to hold your breath and relax until you come out of the tide then swim to the surface.  The reason behind that theory is that when you fight the current you go further under.  I find difficulty in fully buying into that theory.  I mean my belief is that you should always fight for what you want and love in life.  You should fight to live.  But maybe it’s not about giving up but giving in.   It’s trusting in the current to take you back to shore.  This is much like how we trust God to get us through rough circumstances. 

Because of Jesus Christ we have a living water that flows in our hearts that will keep us afloat when we get caught in the current.      

Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’” John 7:38 (NLT)

Jesus died so that we can have the living water within us.  It doesn’t matter what type whirlwind current we find ourselves in, the living water will give us the strength to hold on until the current slows and we can find our breath again.  When we rely on the Holy Spirit all things are possible with the power of God. 

I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit.  I did this so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of God.  1 Corinthians 2:5 (NLT)

We have to trust in something in life so why not the power of God?  We will have ups and downs in life just like the river current, but the key is to not give up and trust in God to carry us through. Maintaining a positive outlook while in the tide of life is a challenge.  It takes bravery and courage.  When you are knocked down by the river current, have the courage to hold on and fight your way out of the tide by trusting in the Lord.  Don’t allow fear to control you or hold you under.  Remember the promises of God:

God Promises Eternal Life – 1 John 2:25, Isaiah 49:25

God Promises a New Heart and Forgiveness – Ezekiel 36:26, 1 John 1:9, Psalm 103:12

God Promises to Supply All Our Needs – Phil 4:19, Romans 8:32, Psalm 84:11

God Promises Deliverance from Fear – Psalm 91:4-6, Psalm 34:4

God Promises the End to Suffering and Pain – Revelations 21:4

Grief transformed into Grace

It’s hard to conceive that we are coming up on a year since we lost Tommy.  I still struggle every day to understand why or how this happened to us, however I also see a new perspective emerging through the darkness.  We often times ask WHY ME when something horrible happens but maybe we should instead ask WHY NOT ME?  I am surely not the only one who has suffered this way. 

The over 19 years we shared with Tommy was a gift but the even in death he is still providing gifts to us.  In the darkest moments of our lives we don’t see the blessings and gifts surrounding us until we are out in the light again. 

One of the most valuable things I have learned through the last year is to live in appreciation of what I have each and every day and to forgive quickly.  We all know the saying, “you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone”.  Tommy and I had many ups and downs.  We experienced the loss of his father together and struggled through his addiction among other things.  In the last weeks of his life things looked as though they were starting to look up for him.  He had just graduated high school and had a child on the way, I was optimistic of the future for him.  That future never happened.  Often times when we are focused on the future we forget to appreciate the now.  Now, in death, rather than his life, I find myself appreciating him more for the person he was and forgiving the things that separated us.  I find myself wishing I had the opportunity to love him entirely for the person he was instead of hoping and praying he would become the man I wanted him to be. 

Another valuable thing I have learned is knowledge is power.  Tommy’s death was a beginning of a new and unwanted educational session for me.  I never really thought much about mental illness or suicide and it was never on my scope for educational knowledge, but as my family and I were thrown into a world where one is forced to try to comprehend the incomprehensible, education and knowledge saved us.  In the past year I have immersed myself in research and stories about depression, suicide, and mental illness, prevention and treatment.  Some of the most significant insights I have learned are these;

·         A person who dies by suicide is often so consumed by the immense pain they are feeling in that moment that they can no longer think of anything but ending the pain.

·         A suicidal state of mind is one of extreme anguish where their judgment is distorted and they don’t have the ability to see options or make “normal” choices.  I can’t understand why my son would have “chosen” to take his life, but in his suicidal state of mind there was no other choice. 

·         A person in a suicidal state of mind is difficult to spot and most often they don’t share what is going on in their minds but there are some warning signs that we can look for. 

·         Suicide is much larger of a problem then I would have ever guessed in our community and at large.  Suicide is stigmatized that most people choose not to speak about it publicly.  It saddens me deeply to discover how many families in our community have been affected by suicide. 

No matter how difficult this journey has been I have learned that facing death with grace is the realization of life.  We have the choice of making every minute count with the people we love and valuing them and our lives in a way we never did before.  The pain and loss of my son’s death will always remain, but my grief is beginning to be transformed into grace.  His memory reminds me to live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granted.  His memory reminds me to let those whom I love know how much they mean to me.  His memory reminds me how temporary life is and how privileged I am to be blessed with family and friends.  His memory give me a purpose in this new life I am forced to live without my son. 

Grief is a process and through it all Christ is there....

After losing yet another son (not biological but definitely by choice) Keegan on 7-7-15, I have been struggling through yet another grief process.  Keegan was my son's best friend and him and his family have been our families greatest support since losing our son Tommy last August.  Losing one young son to suicide is terribly difficult but losing another in a tragic car accident less than a year later is unimaginable.  But there is hope and healing through the grief process.

I feel some people think that grief is a choice but it is not, it’s a process.  It's a process that we don't want to go through and wish we didn't have to.  Unfortunately not all of our circumstances in life are caused by a choice we made but instead by a blow that we have no control over.  You can have great faith and a positive attitude but it will not free you from the pain and process of grief.  Not everyone responds to grief the same; some shut down and go into self-destruct mode, some struggle with day to day activities even though they want to continue to living a “normal” life, some keep moving without skipping a beat (or so it seems), and some turn to their faith and rely on prayer and relationships to get them through but everyone grieves. 

We are all individuals and our circumstances are different so each of our grief processes will be different as well.  Many times when we are in the grief process we get hung up on the questions of why and what ifs but some things we just have to accept because not everything can be reasoned or explained.  Good things do happen to bad people just as bad things happen to good people.  I consider myself a good person.  I think I would be considered by most to be a good friend, a good mother, and a good Christian woman but yet I have lost a husband, my only biological son, and a boy who was very much like a son to me all before they reached the age of 22 (far too young).  None of their deaths make sense to me.  In each of their deaths I grieve differently because I have become a different person; a better and stronger person through each of these processes.  None of them have been easy.  Each of them have taken a piece of my heart with them and if I could do anything to have them back I would. 

The most important thing we can do through the grief process is live.  Take each day and focus on the light in our lives and rely on Jesus Christ to give us the the strength we need and our family and friends to help us through.  I know that seems like an easy thing to do, but trust me it’s not.  When we lose someone we love deeply, the hardest thing for us to do is to keep living the life we have been given.  It’s difficult to live and be happy because there is a tremendous sense of guilt that we are ok with out them but we are not.  Those around us don’t see that internal pain and deep despair we feel each and every day.  We know that our loved ones would want us to be happy and to live life to the fullest but actually doing so is easier said than done.  It’s okay to grieve but it's also ok to go on living without our loved ones.  The one thing we should never do is feel guilty for feeling and expressing our pain.  We grieve because we loved.  Loving them in life and death is a gift. 

Whatever circumstances we are facing, God is with us always and wanting to love us through it all. He is there through every tear, every fear, and all the pain.  He will not forsake us or abandon us through this time of grief but instead hold on to us tightly giving us the strength we need.  We might feel as though God is far from us but he is constant and with us always. 

My son did not "commit" suicide.

My son did not “commit” suicide.  Dealing with grief is always difficult; dealing with death by suicide is even more complicated.  My son died from an untreated depression, an illness caused by an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain.  It is just like any other illness, but this illness carries the stigma of a “mental” illness.  Mental illness is a neurological illness.  We need to help eliminate the image of a crazy person in a padded cell with the word mental illness because most struggling with this illness are just like you and me except they are fighting a battle internally that we cannot see.

Since my son Tommy died by suicide, I have realized that his illness was so incredibly intense and overwhelming that he could not escape from the pain no matter how hard he tried.  Depression causes immense suffering.  Depression prevents those suffering from being able to look forward to anything (including a bright future and the birth of their first child).  The depressed can only think about how they feel in that moment and have lost the ability to envision a future without pain.  Many times, those suffering don’t even realize their illness is treatable.  The depression doesn’t allow them to think or consider the people around them, their families, or friends; they are too consumed with emotional pain that becomes unbearable.  They feel hopeless.  They feel helpless.   They don’t want to die, but their brain tricks them into believing it’s the only way the pain will end.  For them, it is not a choice; it’s a reaction to the agonizing pain they are feeling. 

When I tell someone how my son died it is often followed by a silence or a look of fear.  The people that know how our son died often don't even bring up his name; thinking it's best not to talk about it.  The silence is the main reason for the discrimination and stigma.  The silence tells me that the person has decided that this kind of death is not acceptable because it is self-inflicted.  In many people’s minds, suicide occurs because of weakness or lack of character.  Many don’t understand that a mental illness is the same as a physical illness.  We need to support those with a mental illness and their families the same way we would with someone suffering from a physical illness such as cancer. 

The phrase “committed suicide” causes great pain to those who have been affected by suicide.  The word “committed” was used during the Middle Ages because suicide was considered illegal and sinful.  Now hundreds of years later we know so much more about mental disorders.  We know mental disorders can and often do lead to suicide.  So let’s stop using this outdated vocabulary and start breaking the stigma of mental illness.  Unfortunately, most people misunderstand suicide and the effects of it; so the myths are propagated. 

Compassion is a choice.  Education and understanding is a choice.  Suicide is not. 

The roller coaster

I have been in a bit of a funk over the past several weeks and been having a difficult time dealing with it let alone putting into words.  I am sure it is part of the “grief roller coaster” along with some post-traumatic stress, hormones, and life circumstances all rolled into one.  My heart has been heavy and I have found myself disappointed a lot.  I am disappointed in myself for not dealing with situations and people better.  I am disappointed that this is my life, because I expected my life to be so different.  I am disappointed that I have such a difficult time keeping the negative thoughts from my mind.  I am disappointed that I don’t always recognize the blessings, because I am too often consumed with the pain.  I am disappointed that I am such an emotional mess and my family is the one who has to deal with it.  I am disappointed in people and their lack of understanding, compassion, and love for people who are hurting.  The things I find solace in are the quite times I have in God’s presence, the few times I get to hold my 17 year old daughter (which isn’t often), the times I get to snuggle with my grandbaby, and the times God uses me to help another.  I know this season of disappointment is just that, a season.  I know that it is part of the transformation to become this new person I am becoming.  There are moments that I smile instead of cry, because I know my son experienced joy and love in his life even though there was pain in his mind.  I find peace in knowing he is no longer hurting and is resting in God’s presence, but the selfishness in me wants him here.  All of this is by far more then I could ever handle on my own and so I am so incredibly thankful for Jesus and the strength and peace he bestows upon me every day. 

Tired

I am feeling so tired lately.  I am physically and emotionally tired.  Every part of me is tired.  My hands, my heart, my eyes, my body, my head, and my whole being and soul are tired.  I think all the pain and heartache is wearing me down and all I can do it ask for God to take it all away.  I often want so much to just get away from it all and escape into myself, but I know that I need to be here for the plan God has for me in all of this.  It’s a constant battle to be present and stay positive.  Some days it takes everything I have to not allow myself to be consumed by the darkness and terror in my head.  It takes so much energy to keep faith and continue on when your heart in broken into pieces and your head plays your worst nightmare over and over in your head.  I act like I am tough and doing ok but I often feel like I am not strong enough to shoulder all of this pain and responsibility.  I disappoint myself because I question God sometimes.  It all seems so unfair.  I feel at times that I don’t have what it takes to survive this.  All I can do is give God everything completely because He is the only one that can give me the strength and direction that I so desperately need.  Each day I push on doing what I can because I trust God even though I have moments I question Him.  I know that He can take this pain and turn it into a purpose for my life and his kingdom.  Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

The reality of Mother’s Day this year……

Mother’s Day this year will be the first of which I have to go through without my son Tommy and the second without my mom.  I won’t hear my son say “Happy Mother’s Day” or “I love you mom”.  I won’t receive the funny cards and the hand written notes of affection he would give me.  I won’t get to spend the day with my two children and appreciate how blessed I am to have them both in my life.  As a mother who is grieving a child, Mother’s Day will require a large amount of strength and patience as I encounter others who don’t know what to say and who often say the wrong things.  This grief is something that no one should have to bear and difficult for anyone to understand who hasn’t gone through it themselves.  As child who has a mother no longer living it will be very hard to see others enjoying their mothers while I am not only grieving my mother but also my son.  It’s all incredibly unfair and heartbreaking but I know to get through it all I have to focus on the blessings I have in front of me.  To celebrate both my mother and Tommy on this special day by speaking their names and keeping their memories alive in everything we do.  The truth is I will always love my son and I will always be his mother. 

This is a poem that I find comfort in.......

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

 My son's voice I did hear,

 I opened my eyes and looked around

 But he did not appear.

 He said, "Mom, you've got to listen,

 You've got to understand,

 God didn't take me from you, mom,

 He only took my hand.

 When I called out in pain that day,

 The moment that I died,

 He reached down and took my hand,

 And pulled me to His side.

 He pulled me up and saved me

 From the misery and pain.

 My body was hurt so badly,

 I could never be the same.

 My search is really over now,

 I've found happiness within,

 All the answers to my empty dreams

 And all that might have been.

 I love you all and miss you so,

 And I'll always be nearby.

 My body's gone forever,

 But my spirit will never die.

 And so, you must all go on now,

 And live, and understand...

 God did not take me from you,

 He only took my hand."

 -Author Unknown