Grief transformed into Grace

It’s hard to conceive that we are coming up on a year since we lost Tommy.  I still struggle every day to understand why or how this happened to us, however I also see a new perspective emerging through the darkness.  We often times ask WHY ME when something horrible happens but maybe we should instead ask WHY NOT ME?  I am surely not the only one who has suffered this way. 

The over 19 years we shared with Tommy was a gift but the even in death he is still providing gifts to us.  In the darkest moments of our lives we don’t see the blessings and gifts surrounding us until we are out in the light again. 

One of the most valuable things I have learned through the last year is to live in appreciation of what I have each and every day and to forgive quickly.  We all know the saying, “you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone”.  Tommy and I had many ups and downs.  We experienced the loss of his father together and struggled through his addiction among other things.  In the last weeks of his life things looked as though they were starting to look up for him.  He had just graduated high school and had a child on the way, I was optimistic of the future for him.  That future never happened.  Often times when we are focused on the future we forget to appreciate the now.  Now, in death, rather than his life, I find myself appreciating him more for the person he was and forgiving the things that separated us.  I find myself wishing I had the opportunity to love him entirely for the person he was instead of hoping and praying he would become the man I wanted him to be. 

Another valuable thing I have learned is knowledge is power.  Tommy’s death was a beginning of a new and unwanted educational session for me.  I never really thought much about mental illness or suicide and it was never on my scope for educational knowledge, but as my family and I were thrown into a world where one is forced to try to comprehend the incomprehensible, education and knowledge saved us.  In the past year I have immersed myself in research and stories about depression, suicide, and mental illness, prevention and treatment.  Some of the most significant insights I have learned are these;

·         A person who dies by suicide is often so consumed by the immense pain they are feeling in that moment that they can no longer think of anything but ending the pain.

·         A suicidal state of mind is one of extreme anguish where their judgment is distorted and they don’t have the ability to see options or make “normal” choices.  I can’t understand why my son would have “chosen” to take his life, but in his suicidal state of mind there was no other choice. 

·         A person in a suicidal state of mind is difficult to spot and most often they don’t share what is going on in their minds but there are some warning signs that we can look for. 

·         Suicide is much larger of a problem then I would have ever guessed in our community and at large.  Suicide is stigmatized that most people choose not to speak about it publicly.  It saddens me deeply to discover how many families in our community have been affected by suicide. 

No matter how difficult this journey has been I have learned that facing death with grace is the realization of life.  We have the choice of making every minute count with the people we love and valuing them and our lives in a way we never did before.  The pain and loss of my son’s death will always remain, but my grief is beginning to be transformed into grace.  His memory reminds me to live every day to the fullest and take nothing for granted.  His memory reminds me to let those whom I love know how much they mean to me.  His memory reminds me how temporary life is and how privileged I am to be blessed with family and friends.  His memory give me a purpose in this new life I am forced to live without my son.