The light will come

The nightmare that I and many other families live every day is so very hard to put into words.  When you lose someone you love to suicide it’s a pain like no other.  We continue to move on and live our lives the best we can, but at any moment a crushing blow of reality can hit us and knock us to the core.  How could this be our reality?  How could my son do this to himself, to us?  Why didn’t he ask for help?  Why didn’t he hang on one more day?  Nothing makes sense and no answers will ever bring peace to the situation no matter how hard we try.  We try to understand the reality of mental illness and how their brain is hijacked, but it’s a complex thing to grasp if you have never experienced it firsthand.  It’s difficult to let go of the what if’s and the why me’s no matter how much we want to.  It’s especially difficult to let go of the images that haunt us if we were the unfortunate one to have found them that dreadful day.  Our only desire is to remember our loved one for the amazing, loving, sweet, kind, funny, and giving individuals they were while alive, but the painful void of not understanding and missing them often weighs us down.  Yes, we all want to continue to live our lives, find peace, find happiness in the midst of all the pain, and remember our loved ones in a positive light but suicide is painful, dark, and un-comprehensible to say the least.  There are slivers of light that we see as each day passes.  A child is born, a sign sent from heaven, a letter found, a song is heard…all of which show us the beauty and light of our loved one that left far too soon.  We find ways to remember the happy times and share the stories of the love and joy they brought to our lives.  Each day passes and more light appears until finally we are able to soak it all in but there will always be cracks that although filled by light will never fully go away.  These loved ones and the void they left will always be a part of us but light will shine through our broken hearts again.