Fear or Faith

On Sunday our Pastor preached on Fear and Faith.  These two things really hit close to home for me in so many ways.  It got me thinking about how grateful I am for my faith and how without it I am not sure I would still be here today.


I feared a lot of things on August 18, 2014 when I found my son Tommy’s lifeless body after he hung himself.   Since that day my fears have been something I have struggled with continuously.  I feared that this loss would crush us all.  I feared that I would not be able to survive the pain I felt as my heart broke into a million pieces.  I feared that no one would care.  I feared that you would go to hell for taking your own life.  I feared that I would never find joy in my life again.  I feared that your baby daughter would never know her Daddy.  I feared everyone would forget the good things about you and only remember the bad.  I feared I would forget your smell, forget the way your hugs felt, forget the way your hair smelled when I kissed your head, forget the sound of your voice when you said “I love you mom”. I feared that you may not be in heaven with our God.  I feared that I would never be able to get the image of how you looked that day out of my head.  I feared that my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing because the pain of losing you was so great.  I feared that people would wonder what kind of parent I was.  I feared that if this could happen to my son, this could happen to anyone I love.  I feared that the pain I was feeling might get so great that I would someday want to join my son. 

How do you react to fear?  How will you react to fear when your world comes crashing down around you? 

I remember hearing scripture repeated in my ear as I cried out to God that day.  God’s word and Spirit helped keep me going during a time I wanted to give up. 

Psalm 56:3-4  When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise – In God I trust and am not afraid. 

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, because I’m with you; don’t be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I’m truly helping you. I’m surely upholding you with my victorious right hand.”

Deuteronomy 31:8  The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

1 Thessalonians 3:7  So we have been greatly encouraged in the midst of our troubles and suffering, dear brothers and sisters, because you have remained strong in your faith.

Mark 4:40  He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

I realized in those moments that the foundation I had built on Jesus Christ, the faith I had in His promises, and the trust I had in His word would be the only thing that could get me through this great loss.  I would cling to it with the little bit of strength I had in order to survive for my family and to keep my son’s name and memory alive. 

I have seen firsthand that God provides us strength and peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I have personally felt how God comforts and restores those with a broken spirit and heart.  I know in my heart that our Lord comforts those who are crushed in spirit and may feel the only option is to end their life because of his word and because His son Jesus died for ALL our sins.

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Revelation 21:4  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Psalm 73:26  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I remember that day and the days following asking God to give me strength and show me the purpose in the pain.  I refused to allow this horrible situation destroy me.  I know that Satan thought he could win the battle with me and my son, but little did he know that we accepted and love an awesome God that will not forsake or leave us even after we have sinned because the Lord knows our hearts. 

FAITH.  I decided that I would continue on and with Each Breath of Faith I would remember, honor, and love my son just as I did while he was alive.  FAITH is the answer to FEAR.  There are going to be things that will happen in our life that will evoke a fear and if we allow it, it will control and possible ruin our life and steal our joy.  However, Gods word is our refuge and His promises give us faith to believe He is with us always and will turn even the worst circumstances into something good if we allow Him to control our hearts and His word to control our minds. 

2 Corinthians 5:7  For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the assurances of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 

Matthew 17:20  For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move”, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. 

If we believe in God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ... we HAVE to believe in His promises and the love he has for us and in doing so have FAITH that not only will our God comfort our loved ones who were hurting so deeply that they take their own life to end the pain, but that He will comfort us as well. 

How will you respond to FEAR?  I hope that you respond in FAITH. 

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave or forsake you.

Life is short - Guard your heart

Life is short.  I have experienced more loss in my life then I could ever imagine.  Since losing my mom, three years ago; my son, Tommy, almost two years ago; and then our “other son”, Keegan almost a year ago my priorities and relationships have changed dramatically.   I do not and will not waste my time with people who are rude, mean, and hurtful.  At all odds I protect myself and my family from people like this in our life.  We are fragile and will continue to be for a long time because of what we have been through and the deep grief we feel. 

Believe it or not there are a lot of selfish people in the world that don’t care or make time for you even though they call themselves family or friends.  There are also family and friends who can’t let go of things in the past and continue to try and hurt you or cause drama because they have nothing better to do with their time.  I don’t have time for that nor do I or anyone else in my family deserve that.  I don’t hate those people and I would never be rude to them in return, but I will avoid them like the plague to protect myself and my family.  What I have learned is that if you allow yourself to be around people who are toxic, full of drama, and bad influence it will affect you negatively whether you are a part of it or not, just being around it can cause unseen damage.  We all have enough drama, pain, and hurt in our lives we don’t need to add to it by feeling like we have to be in relationships with individuals just because they are family and/or a “friend”. 

What is a family or friend in my book?  It’s someone who is always there for you and makes time for you because you are important to them.  It’s someone who treats you the same no matter who else they are around.  It’s someone who doesn’t judge, always listens, and loves you unconditionally.  It’s someone whom you can trust and who trusts you.  It’s someone who includes you in their lives and wants to be a part of yours.  It’s someone who would drop anything at any time to be there in a crisis and stand by your side through it all.  It’s someone who will always have your back and not allow others to speak of you negatively.  It’s someone who when your around they want to be around you just as much. 

Death has changed me.  Experiencing five major losses in 5 years can do that to a person; to a family.  Our hearts have grown in humility for those who are broken, hurting, and emotionally and mentally struggling.  Our thoughts and words have become tenderer, thoughtful, understanding, and patient.  Our eyes have become more open, honest, and searching for the signs arounds us.  Although we are called to LOVE everyone as Jesus loved us, we also need to guard our hearts from those whose selfish ambitions and hurtful words can cause us or our family harm.

Words

I watch the world around me and the words that are said and it breaks my heart.  I don’t think people realize how important the words we speak are.  Our words can speak light into someone’s life or darkness into their soul.  Our words can literally mean life or death to someone.  In Proverbs it states that death and life are in the power of the tongue.  All it takes is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to push a person over the edge they may be standing on.  It happens every day.  And we have no idea what is going on in someone else’s life at any point in time. 

In Proverbs 15:4 we are told, “Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”  If we allow words of encouragement to leave our lips it heals the one who receives it, but if we speak deceitful or hurtful words they break the spirit of the one who receives it.  Do we really want to break the spirit of our loved ones?  Do we want to break the spirit of a grieving parent?  Do we want to break the spirit of an individual with a physical disability or mental handicap?  Our words can lift a person up or bring them down to the ground in an instance. 

What would happen if the only words we spoke were encouraging words of life, hope, and truth?  What if the only words we spoke were the words of love, empathy, and grace?  Some people speak words just to hear themselves speak, but their words lack meaning and intent.  When we choose to speak love to inspire others we can make an incredible difference in the world.  Words of life is an act of compassion and love.  When we look into the eyes of the broken, the lost, and lonely hearted and speak life and love into them, it will make a change in not only their life, but your own.  Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

We all know there are so many broken people in the world.  Every day people around us are struggling in their marriage, in their finances, in their jobs, in so many aspects of their lives.  Why don’t we make a choice to show LOVE, EMPATHY, and COMPASSION to those around us?  What do I mean by this?  I mean slow down…don’t cut someone off, don’t scream or say choice words because the person in front of you is going too slow.  I mean be patient…when the person in line in front of you is writing a check instead of using cash or credit like the rest of the world.  I mean give recognition…. take time to express your gratitude and appreciation for those you work with instead of taking them for granted.  I mean be understanding….to others who don’t think or live like you do or have a different way of doing things. 

I see so many times where people feel they have a right to criticize, shame, and blame others like it’s their responsibility or duty.  No one has the right to do that.  Like I have said so many times before, we blame and shame ourselves enough that we don’t need others doing it for us. 

We all need to learn to love others for who they are and where they are at in their life.  Judge Less and Love More.  Most importantly, use words that build up and bring light instead of those that bring darkness and pain. 

The countdown to the end

In two weeks, my baby girl will graduate from high school – the countdown to the end. One by one, things are starting to end. And, with each of her senior lasts, she is one step closer to that moment that’s played in our head for years, walking across the stage on graduation day.

It’s a moment that the Class of 2016 has looked forward to since August.  But as the day’s inch closer and closer to May 31^st, a fact has become increasingly more real: Tommy won’t be there.

It’s something we are all struggling with. For us, graduation is a reminder of all the things he has missed and will miss.  It’s knowing that he won’t be there to watch his sister with that huge smile on his face. That he won’t be here to tease her insistently, and that the family pictures that are taken will feel incomplete.  Makaya won’t get a hug while hearing him tell her how proud he is of her, and he won’t be able to purposefully embarrass her just for laughs.

But it’s even more than all of that. It’s realizing that he will never know his sister as an adult. That he will miss not just her high school graduation, but her college graduation as well. It’s the fact that she has made decisions about her future and is moving on to create her own life. A life he will never know. 

Amidst all the excitement about graduating and moving on to new things is an underlying fear. As much as she has tried to embrace changes in her life, change still makes us all uneasy. Despite all of the changes that have occurred since Tommy died almost two years ago, these changes seem harder.  It scary to know that she will no longer be surrounded by family and friends on a day-to-day basis who support and love her.  I fear that it will be easier for her memories of him to fade.

Yet, I know she has become the person she is because of her deep loss. And I know he would be proud.  The truth is it’s hard to be thrilled for my baby girl this graduation because a part of our family is missing.  It’s more than just the emotions of her officially beginning a new chapter of her life, moving off to college, and becoming independent…..it’s that she is the only child I have left and I don’t want to let her go even though I know I have to. 

 

News Story - Local Mom Pushing for Suicide Prevention Education in Schools

Stateline News Story 041316

Live Unashamed

So many people I come in contact with are isolated and ashamed because of their circumstances.  Whether they are struggling with suicide loss, mental illness, addiction, bullying, or other painful circumstances they feel no one else should know about it.  They isolate themselves or their loved ones suffering in order to keep others from knowing their brokenness.  Why? Why do we feel like we can’t openly talk about our struggles?  Because of judgement?  If my child is an addict, does that make me look like a bad parent?  Because of embarrassment?  If I tell my parents the kids at school are bullying me will they call the school and embarrass me? Because of fear?  If my friends know I think about taking my life and cry all the time will they not want to be my friends anymore? 

We are not meant to live in isolation and we are not meant to live ashamed.  We are wired to be with other people. Close relationships and fellowship with one another is crucial. When we sit alone in our pain, it magnifies. Many of us build walls around ourselves to keep everyone out, so we won’t be hurt again. We isolate ourselves from people who can help.  But the walls that are built only add to the suffering. With no one to help shape our reality, no one to help us heal, or to see the pain and show us that they are loved anyway, hurt grows and healing remains intangible. Walls don’t so much prevent pain from coming in but instead keeps pain from ever leaving.

Even in the darkest room there is a crack of light that can seep through.  The cracks, our pain and hurt, are inevitable, but it is through them that growth happens, that light comes in. Pain will always be a part of life. But what we do with it, and how we respond to it, is what makes the difference. Are we focusing on the cracks, or are we focusing on the light, light that helps us to see, that allows us to grow?

When we make the decision to open ourselves up to others when we are hurting, or reach out when we encounter someone else in pain, we begin the healing process. Others help us make sense of our suffering, support us, and remind us that, broken as we are, we are still loved. It is through connecting with people, sharing our stories, that we find hope and healing.

I am not willing to let guilt or shame, associated with the stigma of suicide, stop me from speaking out and sharing with those around me.  I refuse to isolate myself from others due to fear of judgement.  If we do not talk about suicide, addiction, mental illness, or even bullying because we are ashamed, our pain or the pain of our loved one suffering will only grow, and we are essentially playing a part in it.  By living unashamed, talking about suicide and other stigmas and sharing our experience and pain, we can bring light and education to those around us. There are so many questions and things I do not understand, but I will never let my son Tommy’s suicide be for nothing and I refuse to be ashamed of any part of my son.  Please don’t isolate yourself when you or a loved one are struggling.  Please don’t be ashamed of your brokenness because we are all broken.  Allow those around you to know and help you through your struggles. 

Transforming Fear into Action

Does fear often control your decisions? Have you ever allowed fear to stop you from pursuing something you desire or something you feel called to do? 

Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind. 

I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to take action.  If I’m not afraid, then I am probably not growing.

In the first days after losing my son I literally had to remind myself to breath.  I felt controlled and suffocated by the fear that consumed me.  If my beautiful son could take his life by suicide then anyone could.  If his depression was so deep that I couldn’t see the serious signs, then who else could I be failing? 

Instead of allowing the fear to control me, to paralyze me, I used its energy to take action and make a difference. 

In the past fear would have stopped me from even attempting to declare publicly that I was taking on something that scared me to death.

Talking about my personal story of great loss, pain, and uninformed decisions puts me in a very vulnerable spot.  Helping others by creating support groups puts me on an emotional spot.  But all of that is not worse than sitting back and doing nothing out of fear. 

The amazing thing is that this shift in feeling, this shift in thinking, isn’t really about confidence in my ability to survive anything. It isn’t really about trying to tell myself never to be afraid. It isn’t really about always staying calm and peaceful.

Sometimes, fear is actually healthy. It’s about taking the fear and turning into something powerful.  It’s about not allowing fear to control me. 

You see, when scary things happen and you lose people you love unexpectedly, your mind is very good at creating all kinds of scenarios for the worst that could happen, because the worst has happened so why wouldn’t it again?  Whenever I have been presented with a choice or an opportunity to take action, I would tell myself, and everyone around me, all the reasons why and how something could go wrong. But I get nervous when I speak in public, what if I get up to speak and I start to cry, what if I say something wrong and push somebody over the edge, what if I don’t get the support of the community, what if we can’t raise the money needed to accomplish our goals, what if I lose my daughter or granddaughter? 

Automatically, a little voice in my head would begin to play out horrible outcomes, really scary results, and all kinds of fear based stories. I’d spend so much time and energy working through all that noise in my head that, in addition to being scared, I was immobilized by the distraction of trying to be certain I was prepared for every single one. In my mind I automatically turned the reality of unknown results, into catastrophically real potential for all kinds of failures.  I have learned that focusing all my energy on playing out all the scary outcomes actually manifests those scary outcomes! What you think about becomes your reality.

I have come to realize that I need to ask myself an important question when paralyzed by fear; “What if you do nothing?  What if your action helps to save a life? What if you are the answer to the problem?”

Using these powerful questions not only sheds some light on whether or not my fears are reality but also helps put in perspective that fact that doing nothing can cause more harm than good.   

The reality is I was allowing my fear to stop me from moving forward. My fears gave me an excuse to hide. I have finally gotten to a place where I can allow my fear to work for me, instead of against me, and use that energy to create a deliberate process for action. 

Staying stuck, paralyzed by fear, is no longer an option for me.

I am choosing to transform my fear, to become energized by the possibility of great things to come.

 I am choosing to transform my fear into action.