Judge Less Love More

Reflecting on a conversation I had with my daughter recently this thought came to mind and it will become my personal quote “If people JUDGE LESS and LOVE MORE the church and world would be a better place”.  There is seriously so much judgment that comes out of people and churches.  I believe the example of Jesus Christ shows us to LOVE everybody right where they are at.  LOVE them through their bad decisions and life choices.  LOVE them through their mental illnesses and sicknesses.  Instead of JUDGING someone who is gay…LOVE THEM.  DO NOT JUDGE them and shut them out.  Some of the most LOVING and “Christ like” people I know are gay.  We don’t have to agree with their lifestyle to ACCEPT and LOVE them as people.  Instead of JUDGING someone who is a drug addict and homeless because of their life choices….LOVE THEM.  Addiction is a mental illness it is not a choice.  I have been told by several addicts that they loathe themselves so why can’t we show them that they are LOVED by us?  Instead of JUDGING someone who makes mistakes….LOVE THEM.  No one is perfect, we all make mistakes…but why is it so easy for us to point out the mistakes in others instead of showing them the grace of God and LOVING them through their mistakes?  I witnessed my son, Tommy, being judged when making mistakes and while struggling with his addiction and depression.  I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if less people JUDGED and more people LOVED my boy.  I know that he was blessed with many who stuck by his side and LOVED him through it all.  I witnessed many people stop talking to my son because he stopped going to church, thinking he was a “bad” kid….that didn’t make sense to me because wouldn’t that mean he needed to be LOVED even more?   There is almost always an underlying issue that someone is dealing with when they make bad choices time and time again.  It could be a mental illness.  It could be some pain they are struggling with due to abuse of some sort.  EMPATHY is a CHOICE.  When we choose to have empathy for someone who is struggling it is an act of LOVE.  It was my 16 year old daughter that shared with me how she sees this JUDGEMENT every day at her “Christian” school that reminded me that we need to JUDGE LESS and LOVE MORE in everything we do. 

The holiday numb....

I haven’t blogged over the holidays because in all honesty it took everything I had just to get through them and I felt a bit numb most of the time.  The holidays seem like a blur of going through the motions but feeling a bit fuzzy like I am living in a dream.  I think our bodies and brains tend to adjust and go numb as a way to cope with things.  I still feel like I am living in a dream or a nightmare of sorts that I am going to wake up from soon.  Most days feel like everything is normal and life is good and others days the pain and loss seems too much to bare.  I still have moments where I feel like the reality of my son being gone forever hasn’t really hit me.  Most days I think it is because he is really with us in spirit.   I feel his presense.  Then other times it hits me so hard I feel like I won’t be able to stop crying and be happy ever again.  I feel a huge void in my heart and life. 

The thing that still amazes me is when I am weak God’s spirit is strong in me and provides me peace that passes all understanding and strength that I never knew existed.  The strength I have does not come from me, it is from the Lord.  I know in my own power I could NEVER survive this, but with God all things are truly possible, even surviving the loss my precious son. 

There are days I get discouraged and feel like giving up the fight I started…the fight to break the stigma of mental illness and suicide, the fight to educate people in these areas, the fight to keep my son’s memory alive and give purpose to the pain of losing him…. BUT I refuse to give up!  Until the day I die I will speak, I will educate, and I will spread the love and hope of God to others.  I pray daily that God use me.  I pray daily that God bring opportunities to me.  I pray daily that resources come about to let me go back to school and get my degree in Christian Counseling so someday I can use not only my personal experiences to help others but my degree as well.  I trust that God has a grand plan for me in all this pain!

Interview with Remedy Live - Trends and Teens

Please take a moment to watch this video of a very raw interview we did with Paige Clingenpeel from Remedy Live a website dedicated to fighting negativity with positive and giving teens a place to chat with others when they are struggling. The interview is about 33 minutes long.
http://trendsandteens.com/2015/01/09/trending-son-commits-suicide/

The aftershock

One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with over the last several months is a form of PTSD as a result of finding my son after he lost his life to suicide.  There are no words that could fully explain the horror of that event for me.  Many individuals are affected by this when suicide is involved because someone always has to find the person after. 

“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.”  

The flashbacks that I have often can knock me to the ground in tears and tear the breath from my lungs.  Sometimes I am successful at pushing the thoughts away and other times it disables me for a period of time.  I don’t think many people really understand how completely overwhelming these images and severe anxiety can affect people struggling with PSTD because we are really good at hiding it or keeping ourselves secluded during those instances. 

I wish I had the power to wipe that one memory of that day from my brain…the feeling of hopelessness, the sight of my boy’s lifeless body, the feeling of his cold skin, the heartbreaking pain that I live over and over again when the memory surfaces. 

In one way I am grateful that I am the only one who has to suffer from this memory.  I trust that I am strong enough to survive this and that is why I was the one who found him that day.  I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  However, I would do anything to have it erased from my mind so I didn’t have to have that vision of my precious boy.  Instead I want to remember the smile that brightened so many lives.  The laugh that made my heart melt.  The voice I always longed to hear.  Those eyes that sparkled with mischief.  Those are the memories I want to replace the others. 

 

Your faith in me...

Lord, you continue to have faith in me and what you call me to be.  You are determined to have me finish the race.  When I fall down you pick me up and carry me through.  When I lost faith in myself you keep the faith in me. 

I ask myself why I feel so alone, where did all my friends go and why did they disappear when I need them most?  Then I remember it’s just like your friends did to you and yet you continued on.

You continue to give me strength when I am weak.  You fight the fight for me when I can’t fight anymore myself.  I give myself completely to you and you keep the faith in me to make it through this horrible storm I am in.

You tell us come to you, those who are struggling and in pain, the broken hearted and you promise us the love of the Lord is near and will pour into us when we need it most. 

Lord…You have never failed and you won’t stop now.  Help me to hold on even though I feel like letting go.  I miss my baby boy so much, but I know he is in your loving arms.  Help me to let it go and focus more on the good memories than on the pain and absence I feel. 

The things you'll miss....

I wonder…

Today would have been your 20^th birthday and it hurts my heart so deeply that you are not here to celebrate.  I sit and wonder what career you might have had, what would you have said the first time you saw your baby, would you have married, would you have played soccer again, would you be gray in your old age or maybe bald?  I think of all the things you are going to miss out on… your beautiful daughter growing up, your sisters dance recital, your sisters graduation, your sister’s wedding, my 40^th birthday and all the birthdays thereafter, your dad becoming ordained as a minister, your 21^st birthday and the trip that we had planned.  It saddens me that I will never know these things.  It breaks my heart that you won’t be here to share in these events.  I miss your smile.  I miss you laugh.  I miss our lunch dates.  I miss the times you would fall onto my bed and just talk to me about nothing.  I miss your stinky boy smell.  I miss the times you stressed me out and made me worry…because I would do anything to have those times over not having you at all.  I am going to miss you hanging out with me at your sister’s dance competitions.  I miss cooking you your favorite meals.  I just miss you so much.  I know I have to go on.  I know I have to be strong for your sister and for myself.  I know you would want us to be happy but how can we ever be fully happy without you?  Nothing will ever be the same because you are not a part of it.  I know that you are ok, you are my angel above.  I know that we will be ok and we will keep moving on.  But I want you to know that there will never be a day that you are not thought of, loved, and missed dearly in our lives.  I felt your embrace the other morning and your whispered I love you mom but it doesn’t take the place of feeling your actual arms around me and your hair against my cheek.  I love you forever and always and that will never change until we see each other face to face again.  

It take courage....

If your heart is telling you to do something, if you are feeling like God is calling you to do something…Go out and do it!  Ignore the doubters.  Ignore the negative comments.  Ignore the people who don’t think it is possible because with God all things are possible.  If we allow ourselves to be used by God, if we trust in God and his plan for us…and believe in ourselves – ANYTHING is possible.  It takes courage to act.  It takes courage to start over again.  It takes courage to keep living.  It’s not easy to have faith when your heart is broke in two.  Accept where you are and take responsibility to live your life with passion.   It doesn’t matter what happened to you, what matters is what you are going to do about it.  Take action….persevere…and don’t give up!  We need to live the life we are called to live.  Find what you love, find your passion, find what your heart is calling you to do, and do it!  We all fall down in life but those who get back up and who continue to fight when you have lost everything will be the winners of this race we call life.