The holiday numb....

I haven’t blogged over the holidays because in all honesty it took everything I had just to get through them and I felt a bit numb most of the time.  The holidays seem like a blur of going through the motions but feeling a bit fuzzy like I am living in a dream.  I think our bodies and brains tend to adjust and go numb as a way to cope with things.  I still feel like I am living in a dream or a nightmare of sorts that I am going to wake up from soon.  Most days feel like everything is normal and life is good and others days the pain and loss seems too much to bare.  I still have moments where I feel like the reality of my son being gone forever hasn’t really hit me.  Most days I think it is because he is really with us in spirit.   I feel his presense.  Then other times it hits me so hard I feel like I won’t be able to stop crying and be happy ever again.  I feel a huge void in my heart and life. 

The thing that still amazes me is when I am weak God’s spirit is strong in me and provides me peace that passes all understanding and strength that I never knew existed.  The strength I have does not come from me, it is from the Lord.  I know in my own power I could NEVER survive this, but with God all things are truly possible, even surviving the loss my precious son. 

There are days I get discouraged and feel like giving up the fight I started…the fight to break the stigma of mental illness and suicide, the fight to educate people in these areas, the fight to keep my son’s memory alive and give purpose to the pain of losing him…. BUT I refuse to give up!  Until the day I die I will speak, I will educate, and I will spread the love and hope of God to others.  I pray daily that God use me.  I pray daily that God bring opportunities to me.  I pray daily that resources come about to let me go back to school and get my degree in Christian Counseling so someday I can use not only my personal experiences to help others but my degree as well.  I trust that God has a grand plan for me in all this pain!