The countdown to the end

In two weeks, my baby girl will graduate from high school – the countdown to the end. One by one, things are starting to end. And, with each of her senior lasts, she is one step closer to that moment that’s played in our head for years, walking across the stage on graduation day.

It’s a moment that the Class of 2016 has looked forward to since August.  But as the day’s inch closer and closer to May 31^st, a fact has become increasingly more real: Tommy won’t be there.

It’s something we are all struggling with. For us, graduation is a reminder of all the things he has missed and will miss.  It’s knowing that he won’t be there to watch his sister with that huge smile on his face. That he won’t be here to tease her insistently, and that the family pictures that are taken will feel incomplete.  Makaya won’t get a hug while hearing him tell her how proud he is of her, and he won’t be able to purposefully embarrass her just for laughs.

But it’s even more than all of that. It’s realizing that he will never know his sister as an adult. That he will miss not just her high school graduation, but her college graduation as well. It’s the fact that she has made decisions about her future and is moving on to create her own life. A life he will never know. 

Amidst all the excitement about graduating and moving on to new things is an underlying fear. As much as she has tried to embrace changes in her life, change still makes us all uneasy. Despite all of the changes that have occurred since Tommy died almost two years ago, these changes seem harder.  It scary to know that she will no longer be surrounded by family and friends on a day-to-day basis who support and love her.  I fear that it will be easier for her memories of him to fade.

Yet, I know she has become the person she is because of her deep loss. And I know he would be proud.  The truth is it’s hard to be thrilled for my baby girl this graduation because a part of our family is missing.  It’s more than just the emotions of her officially beginning a new chapter of her life, moving off to college, and becoming independent…..it’s that she is the only child I have left and I don’t want to let her go even though I know I have to. 

 

News Story - Local Mom Pushing for Suicide Prevention Education in Schools

Stateline News Story 041316

Live Unashamed

So many people I come in contact with are isolated and ashamed because of their circumstances.  Whether they are struggling with suicide loss, mental illness, addiction, bullying, or other painful circumstances they feel no one else should know about it.  They isolate themselves or their loved ones suffering in order to keep others from knowing their brokenness.  Why? Why do we feel like we can’t openly talk about our struggles?  Because of judgement?  If my child is an addict, does that make me look like a bad parent?  Because of embarrassment?  If I tell my parents the kids at school are bullying me will they call the school and embarrass me? Because of fear?  If my friends know I think about taking my life and cry all the time will they not want to be my friends anymore? 

We are not meant to live in isolation and we are not meant to live ashamed.  We are wired to be with other people. Close relationships and fellowship with one another is crucial. When we sit alone in our pain, it magnifies. Many of us build walls around ourselves to keep everyone out, so we won’t be hurt again. We isolate ourselves from people who can help.  But the walls that are built only add to the suffering. With no one to help shape our reality, no one to help us heal, or to see the pain and show us that they are loved anyway, hurt grows and healing remains intangible. Walls don’t so much prevent pain from coming in but instead keeps pain from ever leaving.

Even in the darkest room there is a crack of light that can seep through.  The cracks, our pain and hurt, are inevitable, but it is through them that growth happens, that light comes in. Pain will always be a part of life. But what we do with it, and how we respond to it, is what makes the difference. Are we focusing on the cracks, or are we focusing on the light, light that helps us to see, that allows us to grow?

When we make the decision to open ourselves up to others when we are hurting, or reach out when we encounter someone else in pain, we begin the healing process. Others help us make sense of our suffering, support us, and remind us that, broken as we are, we are still loved. It is through connecting with people, sharing our stories, that we find hope and healing.

I am not willing to let guilt or shame, associated with the stigma of suicide, stop me from speaking out and sharing with those around me.  I refuse to isolate myself from others due to fear of judgement.  If we do not talk about suicide, addiction, mental illness, or even bullying because we are ashamed, our pain or the pain of our loved one suffering will only grow, and we are essentially playing a part in it.  By living unashamed, talking about suicide and other stigmas and sharing our experience and pain, we can bring light and education to those around us. There are so many questions and things I do not understand, but I will never let my son Tommy’s suicide be for nothing and I refuse to be ashamed of any part of my son.  Please don’t isolate yourself when you or a loved one are struggling.  Please don’t be ashamed of your brokenness because we are all broken.  Allow those around you to know and help you through your struggles. 

Transforming Fear into Action

Does fear often control your decisions? Have you ever allowed fear to stop you from pursuing something you desire or something you feel called to do? 

Fear is something I constantly battle against in my own mind. 

I’ve learned to use my fear as a catapult to take action.  If I’m not afraid, then I am probably not growing.

In the first days after losing my son I literally had to remind myself to breath.  I felt controlled and suffocated by the fear that consumed me.  If my beautiful son could take his life by suicide then anyone could.  If his depression was so deep that I couldn’t see the serious signs, then who else could I be failing? 

Instead of allowing the fear to control me, to paralyze me, I used its energy to take action and make a difference. 

In the past fear would have stopped me from even attempting to declare publicly that I was taking on something that scared me to death.

Talking about my personal story of great loss, pain, and uninformed decisions puts me in a very vulnerable spot.  Helping others by creating support groups puts me on an emotional spot.  But all of that is not worse than sitting back and doing nothing out of fear. 

The amazing thing is that this shift in feeling, this shift in thinking, isn’t really about confidence in my ability to survive anything. It isn’t really about trying to tell myself never to be afraid. It isn’t really about always staying calm and peaceful.

Sometimes, fear is actually healthy. It’s about taking the fear and turning into something powerful.  It’s about not allowing fear to control me. 

You see, when scary things happen and you lose people you love unexpectedly, your mind is very good at creating all kinds of scenarios for the worst that could happen, because the worst has happened so why wouldn’t it again?  Whenever I have been presented with a choice or an opportunity to take action, I would tell myself, and everyone around me, all the reasons why and how something could go wrong. But I get nervous when I speak in public, what if I get up to speak and I start to cry, what if I say something wrong and push somebody over the edge, what if I don’t get the support of the community, what if we can’t raise the money needed to accomplish our goals, what if I lose my daughter or granddaughter? 

Automatically, a little voice in my head would begin to play out horrible outcomes, really scary results, and all kinds of fear based stories. I’d spend so much time and energy working through all that noise in my head that, in addition to being scared, I was immobilized by the distraction of trying to be certain I was prepared for every single one. In my mind I automatically turned the reality of unknown results, into catastrophically real potential for all kinds of failures.  I have learned that focusing all my energy on playing out all the scary outcomes actually manifests those scary outcomes! What you think about becomes your reality.

I have come to realize that I need to ask myself an important question when paralyzed by fear; “What if you do nothing?  What if your action helps to save a life? What if you are the answer to the problem?”

Using these powerful questions not only sheds some light on whether or not my fears are reality but also helps put in perspective that fact that doing nothing can cause more harm than good.   

The reality is I was allowing my fear to stop me from moving forward. My fears gave me an excuse to hide. I have finally gotten to a place where I can allow my fear to work for me, instead of against me, and use that energy to create a deliberate process for action. 

Staying stuck, paralyzed by fear, is no longer an option for me.

I am choosing to transform my fear, to become energized by the possibility of great things to come.

 I am choosing to transform my fear into action. 

Speak Up

It utterly baffles me how so many of us stand by and watch a person get treated unfairly, unethically, and underhandedly, but we don’t speak up, support, and defend them.  But then when that person quits, walks away, or harms themselves we are surprised.  When did the world and the people in it become so timid to speak up for what is right and support others when they are victimized?  The Bible tells us in Psalms 46 that God is our refuge and strength in times of trouble, but who can WE be a refuge and strength for? 

So often people sit back and say nothing when something really needs to be said.  It could be an idea, a suggestion, an observation, constructive criticism, but for some reason they don't want to speak up.  Maybe they are afraid of hurting another person, looking mean or foolish, or opening a can of worms that will make a mess in everyone's lives.  Sometimes it seems like staying silent is the wiser choice. But there are many reasons why we should always speak up and voice our feelings and opinions. 

You may think that staying silent keeps you from being involved in any conflict, but it’s the opposite. Silence is as much an active form of communication as talking. Silence deems approval.  If you don’t approve you need to speak up or it will be assumed that you agree or support the issue.

I believe most people are good hearted and care for others well-being, but many stay silent because they don't want to create any waves by offending or carefully criticizing someone. But if a situation is headed down a dangerous path it’s important to put the needs of the situation above your own comfortableness. 

You can't assume the obvious is apparent. Your experience, knowledge, and observations have value in a given situation. No one else has your unique perspective and many people have difficulty seeing the picture beyond their own wants and desires so hearing another perspective can be helpful.

It’s possible that your insightful observations and conclusions have appeared in the minds of others. Others may share your thoughts and opinions, but may also be unwilling to speak up. By speaking your mind you encourage them to voice their opinions as well. When one person shows support it can start a trend for others to stand up and support too.

It’s time we speak up for ourselves and for others.  If your motive is honest and pure then your opinion and thoughts matter and should be heard.  Proverbs 16:2 “People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives.”

I hear about and see children being bullied while others stand by watching and say nothing.  There are adults who get treated unfairly and with complete disrespect in the workplace while others do and say nothing.  There are parents who see the signs that their children are struggling, but don’t say anything out of fear or because it’s easier to just pretend everything is ok.  There are broken people all around that we could take the time to say a kind word of encouragement or offer a helping hand but instead we remain busy and silent.

What is it going to take to change this?  When will we speak up for what is right? 

 

Letter to Local School Board Members

Dear School Board Members:

My name is Mrs. Xavier Whitford.  I am the Vice President of the Mental Health Board of Rock River Valley and live in the Harlem School District.  I have a child attending Rockford Christian High School, work full-time for City of Rockford (Rockford School District 205) and my husband is a Youth Pastor in Belvidere School District.  As a family we care about and represent several local school districts. 

I would like to talk to you all about suicide.  Suicide is not an easy topic to talk about, but it is one that must be addressed and you as school board members have an obligation to the students in your district since many of their parents voted for you. 

I speak from personal experience, as I lost my 19 year old son Tommy in August of 2014 after he hung himself.  Although he was able to graduate high school a year late, he struggled through his school years because of his depression.  We knew our son Tommy was suffering emotionally.  He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in middle school.  We got him into counseling, and through his doctor, were trying to find medications to help, but had not found one that provided the desired results. Eventually, he began to self-medicate and withdraw from sports, friends, and family.  He was quickly labeled a “troubled teen” because of his choices.  We, as parents, remained supportive and active in his life as much as we could.  Unfortunately, we never realized how very serious his depression was and never knew that suicide was even something he considered.  Since Tommy’s death, I have talked to many other parents who lost children to suicide and much like us, the most common threads in stories were “we never saw it coming” or “we had no idea our child was suicidal” and “they were always smiling and seemed happy”.  

To many it may seem surprising that we as parents were in the dark about our children, and it is easy to dismiss parents as neglectful, but one thing I have learned over the years is that kids are really good at hiding things, especially when it comes to their mental health.  Students in class rooms across the country, including your district suffer in silence.  They know something is wrong with them but they don’t know what or they have been diagnosed with a mental illness but don’t understand what it means.  They feel, when they look at their classmates, like they are the only one that feels the way they do, but that’s not the case.  Students fear saying anything about how they feel because they don’t want to be humiliated, labeled, or judged by their peers and they don’t want to talk to their parents, teachers, or counselors for the same reasons.

I want to provide you with some alarming data you may or may not be aware of:

• Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24 year olds. (CDC)
• There is one death by suicide in US every 13 minutes. (CDC)
• 16% of students reported seriously considered suicide. (CDC)
• 13% of students reported creating a plan. (CDC)
• 1 in 5 ages 13-18 have, or will have a serious mental illness. (NAMI)
• Approximately 50% of students age 14 and older with a mental illness drop out of high school. (NAMI)

In addition, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), “At least 90% of all people who died by suicide were suffering from a mental illness at the time, most often depression.”  Many with depression have intense emotional states such as hopelessness, anxiety, or rage which increases the risk of suicide.  People who are impulsive or use alcohol and/or drugs are also higher risk.  Students who have been a victim of bullying are twice as likely to take their life by suicide.  If you walk into almost any middle school or high school in your district you will find students that fit that description. 

In my son Tommy’s Rockford Christian class alone three lives have been lost to suicide over the last three years and I have heard of at least 4 more in our County alone.  Through my community outreach I have been fortunate to talk to many parents who all feel that more can, and should be done to educate not only students, but parents and staff too.  Most parents have been raised to not speak of such things and that needs to change.  Just like the students, parents look around and think they are the only ones struggling the way they are because no one is willing to talk about it. 

So what can you as a school board do?  In 2007, The Jason Flatt Act was first passed in Tennessee and became the nation’s most inclusive and mandatory youth suicide awareness and prevention legislation pertaining to Teacher’s In-Service Training. It required all educators in the state to complete 2 hours of youth suicide awareness and prevention training each year in order to be able to be licensed to teach in Tennessee.  In 2010, The State of Illinois passed The Jason Flatt Act.  It is important that if not already doing so, that our school districts follow and implement this law.  Even if there was no state law, what would stop you from implementing a policy for your district?  You could bring in experts from the community to speak to the students, parents, staff, and faculty.  You can enact programs designed to give students a safe place to go where they can talk openly about their emotions with other peers who can understand.  We have the first of such type of group established at Harlem Middle School modeled off of Group Hope (www.grouphope.org) which started last year.  I would be happy to share more about that group and how it is helping the students attending.

I have presented quite a lot for you to think about.  I know some on the board and in the community will disagree and feel it is the parent’s responsibility to deal with the issue of suicide.  I hope that you all do the right thing and prove them wrong.  If we do not do more to help and support our students suffering with depression, anxiety, and other mental and emotional struggles, they may not be here to teach in the future.  Doing nothing is no longer an option. 

 

Sincerely,

 Mrs. Xavier Whitford

 

Why Each Breath of Faith?

Each Breath of Faith became my blog and personal ministry after losing my son Tommy in August 2014 to depression by suicide.  As I sat in tears the days after losing him, I clung to my faith and it literally took everything I had to just continue breathing.  I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and life as I had known it was changed forever.  God’s promises were the foundation for my faith and trusting Him in the darkest time of my life was the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever had to do. 

I have seen a lot of loss in my life; losing my first husband at the age of 22; losing the only father figure I ever knew - my grandpa; and my mother, but never in my life did I ever expect to lose a child (especially to suicide).  It has honestly been the most painful thing I have ever experienced and far more difficult than anyone could imagine having not gone through it themselves. 

It is proven there is a bond between a mother and a child that is formed in the womb as mothers carry their child until birth.  It is because of that bond that mothers would give their life for their child if it came down to it.  That sort of bond can never be broken; not even through death and that is what keeps me fighting and living for Tommy. 

I started Each Breath of Faith because I refused to let my son’s death be for nothing.  I refused to allow Satan to win this battle for my soul.  I knew that if I allowed my faith in God to guide and lead me, He would use this pain for His purpose and He has!  Everything I have done and everything I will do is in honor of Tommy and for God’s Glory.  This fight helps me heal and gives me a purpose through the pain I endure on a daily basis.  My hope has always been that through my story and passion I would encourage, inspire, and help others.  I have cried out to God many times and asked that He use me in any way He can.  I never in my wildest hopes or dreams could have imagined the road He would take me on.  Allowing myself to be open and willing for whatever opportunities come my way has allow God to connect me with people, projects, and events that I could only wish for.  Never could I have imagined being the Vice President of a Mental Health Board serving alongside of men and woman who have worked in the mental health field for over 30+ years.  I have met so many people who have shared their stories and helped me better understand what my son was going through in his pain.  I have been so encouraged and inspired by so many suicide survivors that choose to live and use their pain to help others. 

In the last 17 months we have accomplished great things, but there is so much more to come and so much more to do!  I could not have achieved all that I have without the guidance of our Lord and Savior and love and support of my husband, daughter, and SO many friends, family, and community members. 

I want to thank each of you for supporting Each Breath of Faith by sharing and inviting others to the page and events!  You never know who you might be helping just by sharing!  We look forward to our second annual Each Breath of Faith 5k3k coming up in April 2016 and hope to see you there!  If you know of an opportunity for me to share my story and ministry please let me know or give someone my contact info.  I believe by sharing our story, statistics, and personal journey we can help others.  Please continue to share and invite others so we can help, encourage, and inspire as many as possible!