Why I do what I do....

The day I found my son after he had taken his life by suicide my heart was broken.  Broken hearts, shattered spirits, and painful situations help open us up to God's healing presence.  I understand that not everyone grieves in the same way or on the same schedule. I am often asked how I do what I do.  How do you talk about suicide so openly?  How do you get in front of cameras and crowds of people and speak and not break down?  How do you talk about such emotional things without hysterically crying?  I do these things because it's not about me.  It's about helping others.  It's about honoring my son's life and memory while bringing glory to God.

The day my worst nightmare became my reality, I remember crying out to God. I begged God to help me survive this.  I begged God to not let my son's death be the end of his story.  I promised God that I would do anything in my power to use this tragedy for His glory if He allows me.  I knew in that moment that I would not be ashamed.  I would speak openly and honestly about my son's story.  I have been so blessed to have been introduced and put in the path of many amazing people who have helped me with many opportunities to educate and support others in my journey.  I realize that not everyone is comfortable with speaking outwardly about their suicide loss or putting their child's name on a billboard, and that is OK.  We all have our own pain and will find our own purpose in our journey.  You don't have to speak up because I will speak up for all of us.  God is my light and leads my way. 1 John 1:7  If we walk in the light, and He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.

It is important that people are education on suicide and mental illness.  It is important that Tommy's story and life be honored.  It's important that I keep Tommy's memory alive.  It is important that I share my faith journey with anyone who will listen.  It is important to my healing process that I focus on helping others.  This is why I do what I do.

Leaving a legacy of FAITH

It’s important to me and to God that I leave a legacy of faith.  When I am gone will there be someone left behind with the inheritance of my faith?  Will there be someone passing faith on because of me?   Faith is hugely important to me in my life and without it I don’t know how I would have survived what I have been through. 

I believe the when we do what God wants us to do, love God and love others, we will be blessed greatly in our lives even in the most difficult circumstances. 

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

God wants us above all to seek him in everything we do, every situation we encounter, every circumstance we find ourselves in.  God doesn’t want ritual and rules, He wants a relationship with us.  God doesn’t care if you go to church, He cares if the church is in you.  Only by faith, we can have this type of relationship with God. 

What does it mean to live by faith or to have faith?  How does that work?  There is no single definition of faith but the first chapter of Hebrews gives some clarification on faith. 

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Faith is believing in something that we cannot see.  Believing in something before we see it.  Just like the air we breath…we know it’s there but we cannot see it.  I feel God’s presence but I do not see it.  I know that He provides me comfort but I do not see Him holding me.  I feel and know that He comforted and held my son in his final moments but I did not see that.  I trust in God’s word.  I trust in God because I have experienced and seen how He has provided many blessings to me in my life. 

Faith is obeying God even when what He is asking us to do doesn’t make sense or we don’t understand it.  I don’t understand why I had to lose my son to suicide however from the very moment I realized Tommy was gone I felt and knew in my heart that God was going to use this for His glory.  I remember sitting there that day asking God why, why my son, why me?  God called me to be strong enough to speak out about this tragedy, to bring light into the dark, and allow Him to utilize me for a greater purpose then I could imagine.  I told God that day that I would allow Him to use me, to show me the way.  Obedience always involves risk.  I was risking my privacy and my family’s privacy.  I was risking being rejected by people who didn’t want to hear about suicide because if it could happen to me then it could surely happen to them.  I risked jumping out of my comfort zone into a fear zone.  I have never considered myself a speaker, especially to crowds of people I don’t know.  I told God, if you bring me opportunities, I will not say no, ever.  And to date that has been the case. 

Faith is persisting even when you feel like giving up.  There are many times throughout the last year that I didn’t want to speak, that I didn’t feel like going to a meeting, or meeting a new suicide survivor and sharing my story.  To be honest, there are days I don’t feel like doing anything.  We are part of a culture that is ruled by emotions and that is a big problem.  I know that persistence even when it’s not what I want to do is faith. 

I hope that my journey, my ministry Each Breath of Faith, is a legacy that will live on through others for many years to come and brings God glory.  I am nothing but with Faith and God, anything is possible.  

 

Answered Prayers

I had the privilege of attending a visitation for a friend’s dad.  I am always a bit apprehensive of funerals now because every single one of them brings back memories of Tommy’s.  It’s funny to say but I was blessed to be in attendance.  As we went through the line of family some we know well and some we barely know, we heard stories of what a great man their dad was.  One of his daughters shared how his eyes would be donated because he had perfect vision and beautiful eyes.  Another daughter mentioned how amazing it was that although his body was so weak and riddled with cancer that some part of him was well enough to help someone in need.  But the story that really gave me warm fuzzies and blessed my husband and me tremendously was the shared experience that came from one of his sons.  He said, “I have to tell you, I don’t pray much but last Thursday I prayed.  I asked God to please take the pain away from my dad and give him comfort.  I asked that when he pass he do so peacefully.  I just couldn’t stand to see him in pain anymore.  In that moment, as I prayed, a ray of sunlight came through the trees and I felt a sense of warmth.  I knew in that instance that God heard my prayer and it had been answered.  Following that prayer my dad’s restlessness ended and the following day he passed in his sleep peacefully.”  It was such a blessing to hear this story and see the excitement in his eyes over something such as this.  It showed that even in our most difficult circumstances, God hears our prayers and comforts us.  Even those of us who don’t pray regularly!  I know many people including us had been praying for his dad but God wanted to hear from him and once He did, He answered.

After the visitation, on my way back to work I called a lady whose number I received from a fellow mother who lost her child to suicide.  I have never met this woman I was calling and didn’t know her story so wasn’t sure what to expect out of the phone conversation.  All I knew was she too lost a child to suicide.  Our conversation started out with her sharing her story and then I shared mine…The blessing came when we realized through the conversation that our son’s although different in age had taken their lives on the same day (August 18) exactly three years apart.  Another coincidence, if that is what you want to call it, the Chaplain who responded the day her son shot himself was her Pastor and he was not supposed to be on shift that day but was filling in for someone else.  That same Chaplain responded to the call the day my son hung himself.  Not only did our sons take their lives on the same day but the same Chaplain responded to both calls.  How did we figure that out?  Because as I shared my story about getting the text that day and leaving work to go check on Tommy only to find him dead, she said, “on Sterling Ave, right?”.  I stopped mid-sentence and responded “yes”.  She said in a hushed voice “I saw you that day.”  Say what?  She proceeded to share with me that she was walking that day and saw me in the front of house crying.   She felt one mother’s heart to another that something terrible happened to my child and wanted to stop and offer support, but like many of us do she ignored the tug on her heart.  She saw that her Pastor was there on Chaplain duty and so later asked him about what happened.  She shared that she always wished she would have stopped that day.  She prayed for me since that day and that God answered her prayer by this very conversation because she always hoped she would come in contact with me again.  God is a God of second chances! Another answered prayer.

We know we are supposed to pray.  We read stories in the Bible all the time about prayers that were answered, but I know if you’re anything like me you often wonder why more of our prayers go unanswered then answered.  Could it be because we expect and think we know when and how God should answer, but God’s timing and plan is much different than ours?  I often think about the pain and anguish my son felt for so long.  God saw and knew.  We prayed for his safety.  We prayed for his healing.  We prayed for him to be released from the demons he faced.  One of the songs that would always bring tears to my eyes and make me think of my son each and every time I heard it was; You’ll Come by Hillsong.  I would often pray the lyrics over my son as he slept.  Chains be broken; Lives be healed; Eyes be opened; Christ is revealed; I have decided; I have resolved; To wait upon You, Lord.  I wanted so desperately for the chains that binded my son and held him hostage to be broken.  I knew that only the Lord had the power to do so.  I believe that the Lord did answer that prayer and broke those chains the day my son died.  The prayer wasn’t answered the way I wanted it to be, but it was answered.  My son was broken and suffering but also knew and accepted Christ.  I believe the Lord was there to hold my son and take him home where he no longer had to be chained down by his illness and past mistakes.  He is now free from pain, free from the chains.  His eyes opened to the Lord who welcomed him with open arms.  Christ revealed to my son His love for us by loving and forgiving Tommy for allowing his illness to react to the circumstances.  Christ knew my son’s heart and that the action of taking his life came from the illness in his head and not from his heart. 

I believe Jesus does welcome home a believer who died at their own hands.  My biblical basis? It is the hope-giving promise of Romans 8:32, that neither life nor death can separate the believer from the love of God in Christ Jesus.  How can I trust in this promise and then deny its comfort to people who grieve for brothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers who in horrible moments of despair decided to end their lives? I believe that Jesus died not only for the sins of us all but for all of our sins, including the forgotten ones, including suicide.  He hears our prayers, even the unspoken prayers, and answers them in His own way in His own time.  He is the God of second chances. 

Storms make trees, take deeper roots

My beautiful daughter painted a canvas with this quote for our dear friend who lost her son in July.  I was reflecting on these words and became overwhelmed with how important they are and how thankful I am that my daughter would say these words as encouragement to someone experiencing great loss such as we have. 

Trees are tall and beautiful, they stand when we fall, and endure through the many seasons.  Did you know there are more than thirty different trees named in the Bible?  Trees are charged with the power and glory of God.  Trees bear fruit to provide nourishment for us.  Trees provide wood for us to build homes and provide necessary warmth.  Trees are majestic and enchanted. 

Isaiah 41:19-20 "I will plant in the wilderness the cedar, the shittah tree, and the myrtle, and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the fir tree, and the pine, and the box tree together: That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand together, that the hand of the LORD hath done this, and the Holy One of Israel hath created it."

This started me thinking about the completeness and perfection of trees and how they relate to our life. How this simple statement my daughter made in a canvas is of real significance in our everyday life.  How incredibly thankful I am that we instilled the deep roots into her life from a young age so that she can survive the storms of life.   

The most important part of our tree remains underground. It is hidden. The roots are what ground, or hold the tree in place. Without roots there would be no tree.

2 Kings 19:30 - And the remnant that is escaped of the house of Judah shall yet again take root downward, and bear fruit upward.

Our root system should be God and the things of God. While God cannot be seen in us the results of Jesus Christ living in us should be obvious to those around us. I cannot see Jesus Christ in you. You cannot see Him in me. But I hope that you can see the evidence of Christ in my life by the way I live and I in you.

It’s so incredibly important to take deeper roots in Christ because without that firm foundation when things happen such as the loss of a child or brother you will crack.  One of my greatest fears is that many people I love deeply have not taken deep roots and if and when the time comes where they have to face the biggest storm of their life, they might be destroyed.  However, it’s not too start digging those roots deeper and building a foundation that is firm in God. I hope that my example of this will encourage others to do the same. 

The Bible talks about the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such there is no law."

When Christ comes into your life and you surrender to God and allow the Holy Spirit to work on you then many great things happen:

·         Where there was once hatred now there will be love.

·         Sorrow will be replaced by joy.

·         Where turmoil and chaos ruled now there will be peace.

·         A quick temper and a short fuse will be replaced by forbearance and patience.

·         Hardness and resentment will give way to kindness and forgiveness.

·         Selfishness will no longer be dominant but goodness will shine forth.

·         Faith will replace all doubt and fear.

·         Pride will disappear and gentleness will be evident as you humble yourself.

·         Self-control will emerge as a person conquers the flesh and walks in the Spirit.

Just like we cannot see the roots of a tree but know that they have to be there in order for the tree to exist and survive the storm, the evidence of Jesus Christ in a person's life will be demonstrated in a changed heart, life and attitude.

God is the foundation on which our family tree must be built. God must be present in every part of our tree for it to grow and produce.

Isolation

I think it's very common when going through difficult circumstances or devastating loss, we want to isolate ourselves from others.   We do this because we don’t want people to see us in our weakest state or because we are avoiding opening ourselves up for real and meaningful conversations because it hurts.  Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable is difficult.  Our instinct is to shut down in order to protect ourselves.  I’ve had people say to me, how do you handle so many people around all the time?  Or tell me they are not as brave as I am to be around so many people in my weakest moments. I have watched people I care for deeply exclude themselves from events to stay home by themselves.  I started reflecting on these things today.  Why it is that I am so open to accepting the love and support of others around me during the most difficult times of my life?  Don’t get me wrong, much too your surprise I fight the same fight you all do.  My instinct is often to close down and curl up in my bed and steer clear from everyone and anyone, however I know in my heart and mind that is completely unhealthy for me.  I often tell people if I allow myself to be consumed by the thoughts and feelings in my head that I would fall deeply into a dark hole and there may be no pulling me back out. Being surrounded by loved ones and fellow believers reminds me why life is still worth living and gives me a purpose. 

This is what I know as truth from God’s word; Christians should NEVER isolate themselves from other believers. People should NEVER isolate themselves from other people.  How do I know this?  Because I saw my son isolate himself and we all know how that turned out.  It’s not only dangerous but unhealthy.  How are we to expand God’s kingdom if we separate ourselves from other people? How are we to help others or allow others to help us if we seperate ourselves from our family and friends?  How are we to allow God to work through us for His glory and for the salvation of others if we separate ourselves from other people; both believers and nonbelievers? 

We are called to put others before ourselves.  Remember JOY?; Jesus, Others, You….This order gives us true joy in life.  Isolation shows selfishness and our spiritual growth will suffer because of it. God did not make us to be alone. We are all part of the body of Christ and we are told to have fellowship with one another. Would Satan rather come after a group of believers having fellowship and building each other up in Christ or would he rather come after a struggling loner? When we isolate ourselves we open up the door for Satan to attack our thoughts and mind.  Satan’s goal is to tear us down and make us believe we are unworthy.  Unfortunately he succeeded with Tommy but I will speak up against this so it doesn't happen to someone else.  We need to continually surround ourselves with fellow believers who will love on us and build us up when we are struggling through life’s difficult circumstances and at our weakest. 

Don’t believe me?  Listen to God’s words: 

Proverbs 18:1 One who has isolated himself seeks his own desires; he rejects all sound judgment.

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

 

Your last words

One year ago my worst nightmare became a reality and our lives were forever changed when we lost our son Tommy by suicide.  Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like forever ago since I hugged my boy.  I miss him just as much today as I did months ago.  People say the pain of loss gets easier with time.  I don’t think that it gets easier you just learn how to adjust to it with time.  My heart hurts just as much now as it did that dreadful day.  I still have the same questions I did that day.  I still cry often and feel a void in life however I have learned how to hold onto the memories and keep him present in my life daily.  I don’t ever want to forget him, not that I ever could but sometimes we get so busy that it seems almost possible and the thought of that scares me.  He will always be a part of me and my daily life, ALWAYS. 

The last thing my son typed on his facebook page before he took his life was “Remind me again what I’m good for, hahah jk I already know”.  The last words he scribbled on a sheet of paper was “Don’t blame yourself”.  How do any of these words help?  I had no idea that there was a note left until days after his death because as I was in the room with him that dreadful day I was more consumed with the prayers that he somehow survive this then I was with searching around for clues.  When I found out there was a note I hoped it would give me some sort of clue as to what he was thinking and why he would have done this.  Was there anything I could have said or done?  How could I have no clue things where so terribly wrong inside his head?  How could I not have known that he was at the end of his fight?  What I do know is that none of the answers to those questions will ever change the fact that he is gone.. forever. 

Oh my precious son, you were good for so many things.  You were good for smiling the brightest smile that would light up anyone’s day.  You were good for always keeping us on our toes.  You were good for playing with your nieces and nephews as they looked up to you because you were “so cool”.  You were good for making us laugh because of the way you would belt out a song and act like you were Usher but came off more like Bart Simpson.  You were good for being smarter then you acted.  You were good for making people love you just by being exactly who you were and despite the trouble you would get yourself into.  You were good for getting me through some of the most difficult times of my life.  You were good for pointing out things in us that we didn’t really want to see but needed to.  You were good for forgiving people easily.  You were good for loving people for exactly who they were and not trying to change them.  You were good for teaching me the right and wrong way to respond to you when you were upset.  You were good for allowing me to hug and kiss your head whenever I needed to.  You were good for listening to your sister and standing up for her when you needed to.  You were good for us.  You were a good brother, son, uncle, and friend.  You would have been a good father.  There were so many qualities about you that were good.  Your life was worth more than your mind lead you to believe.  I wish you knew how good you were to us and how good you were to have in our lives. 

As for the note, how could any of us not blame ourselves?  Right there that tells me that your mind was not thinking straight to make such a comment.  It was my job as your mother to protect you and somehow I failed and for that I will always blame myself somewhat.  I should have known.  I should have done more.  I should have saved you.  I know that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, but I sure will learn from this and do everything in my power to never let it happen again if at all possible. 

There are so many times over the last year that I have wished this wasn’t my life.  How could this be my life?  How could this happen to my son?  But we don’t get to choose what happens to us nor do we get to question them.  Would we question the good things?  No, but we think we can question the bad.  The life we are given is a gift.  Both good and bad circumstances in our lives are a gift.  Yes it may appear that I have had more bad than good, but that is truly not the case.  In all honestly I probably shouldn’t even be here at all.  I don’t know why this happened but what I do know is that because of it I have a purpose.  I also have your sister and daughter that give me a reason to be brave and continue to fight each day.

I choose to remember the 19+ years that I was blessed to have you in my life as a gift.  From the day you were born and opened up those big eyes and looked right into mine.  As an infant and toddler you would smile and shine those bright eyes to anyone who would look your way.  You had a way of getting people to smile.  Your pre-teens gave us a run for our money as you developed some mad soccer skills along with a mad attitude, but when you wanted to be sweet you were oh so sweet.  As a teenager you still could make my heart melt with your smile and apparently a lot of the girls too.  You were such a cool guy but especially shy unless you had the backup of some friends.  Your laugh would bring a smile to my face quickly.  Many times I would laugh with you because I couldn’t help myself.  I miss the way you would plop yourself on my bed and start a random conversation.  You were always so respectful and loving to everyone in your life even in those times you were struggling. You were an amazing young man.  I was so incredibly blessed to call you my son and so proud of you and all the things you conquered and survived.  I know you knew how much I loved you and I know you loved us with all your heart too.  If there was anything anyone of us could have done we would have.  You are missed today, tomorrow, and always. 

Press On

The loss of a child to a mother is like no other for there is a connection to that child through the womb that is not experienced by anyone else in that child’s life.  In the last year, there are days where the burden of the loss consumes me.  Days where my heart, soul, and entire spirit is tired and sorrowful.  I know that it is only through the strength provided by God and the reasons listed below that I have been able to press on. 

JESUS… I do not want to disappoint God and know that He sacrificed His son for our forgiveness and freedom.  God promises He is close to the broken-hearted.  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4) There’s comfort in knowing that God understands my pain and hurt. I can trust Him to give me strength and peace in the midst of my sorrow.  Trusting Him comes with FAITH.  As a believer in Christ we tend to grieve differently with hope because we know the end of the story.  We live in peace even when life doesn’t make sense and we don’t have all the answers. I know that God is with us and God loves us.  Tommy took his life in a moment of complete despair but he was not alone.  In his legacy we have hope because we know there’s more to the story than just here and now.  We live in a broken world where things aren’t perfect and bad things happen all the time but, our God is good.  The world doesn’t make sense but then I remember that there is a heaven where everything is going to be restored one day. On earth, I will never understand all of God’s ways, but He has promised His peace and presence even during the most difficult times.  The reason I press on is because I believe if I give my heart and soul to Jesus and live my life even in the darkest times for his glory, I will see my son again someday.  So through the storms I will praise Him, because I will not allow Satan to win this battle. 

MY HUSBAND… Cory is an amazing man of God.  He is our rock and our constant reminder that when God wants someone to be used for His glory, He always gets his man.  Often times, people look at Cory as immature and goofy so they don’t take the time to see the amazing character and quality that lies underneath.  They don’t realize that the goofiness is often a coping mechanism for the insecurities and pain he feels.  This man has the biggest heart of anyone I know and loves to serve our God by pouring into youth.  His greatest concern is the salvation of those in his life.  He is far from perfect and often makes mistakes but works hard to be the best that he can be for us and for his congregation and youth. He is a great example of a man who is led by the Holy Spirit and not his own selfish desires.  I press on because sometimes I am the only person who gives Cory the encouragement and support that he is worthy of and the thought of him not having that is unimaginable.

MY DAUGHTER….Makaya is my precious gift and also my payback for all the heartache and attitude I gave my mom.  Makaya is more like me then she probably want to be.  She is extremely motivated and adventurous but also insecure and emotional.  She is tough and has been through more than any 17 year old girl should have to experience.  Her heart loves deeply and because of that the price of loss is abundant heartache.  She knows exactly what she wants out of life and relationships and deliberately works towards those aspirations.  She is gorgeous but doesn’t really know or accept it.  She is humble, kind, sweet, and sassy.  She is and always will be my little girl who enjoys many of the same things I do and who needs to cuddle with her mommy when she is having a rough night. My bright eyed girl is so incredibly brave but she still needs me.  I press on because I can’t imagine my beautiful girl experiencing anymore pain then she already has. 

MY GRANDAUGHTER… Esperanza (HOPE) is the gift our son and God graciously blessed us.  This treasured bundle of hope is more than I could have ever of imagined.  Her smile can cure any amount of pain.  The way she looks into my eyes at times brings me to a place of peace because I see her daddy looking back at me through those eyes.  She already has so many characteristics and features of her daddy.  God knew that we would need this gift to get us through some of our roughest days.  Espi will always know who her daddy is and how much he loves her because that is our purpose in her life.  I press on because I want to see only the best for this little princess and make sure that she knows what an amazing man her daddy was.