The pain runs deep..

It is hard to even begin to put into words how my heart still aches so deeply.  I watch as a dad hugs and kisses the top of his son’s head when dropping him off at school and my heart clenches with pain as I am reminded that I will never get to feel that way again with my son.  I sit across from a friend who shares with me the guilt she feels every time she sees me with her son and my throat constricts as I hold back tears because I am heartbroken that she has to feel this way but if I am being honest with myself I do find myself thinking how lucky others are to still have their sons when mine is gone.  I find myself getting a bit angry at the disrespectful things I see on facebook, like the “what is my mental disorder?” questionnaire that labels people as schizophrenic or bi-polar like is a joke.  Mental illness is real and serious and not something to poke fun at, but I am sure these people do not realize that such things can be hurtful to people who are actually effected by it.  Everything around me reminds me of Tommy and brings the pain of him being gone to the surface over and over.  God provides me peace and comfort but the pain and reality of it is still there.  Some days the pain is so un-bearable I feel as though there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I wonder if I will ever really be able to breathe again but then I cry out to God and put my trust in him and the pressure subsides for a while and I am able to move on.  I may be weak but thank the Lord his spirits strong in me!

The hardest thing...

Not for a moment will you forsake me

Yesterday I attended a funeral for some good friends brother who passed unexpectedly at 54.  This was the first funeral I have had to attend since my son lost his life to suicide.  As you can imagine funerals are even more difficult for me now.  The emotions are still so raw and its a reminder of how precious life is and how much we miss Tommy.  I left the funeral, got in my car and began sobbing uncontrollably because I was so overcome with grief and emotions.  When I finally calmed down enough to start the car the first song that played was: Not For A Moment by Meredith Andrews.  Here are some of the lyrics:

And every step, every breath you are there

Every tear, every cry, every prayer
In my hurt, at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
Not for a moment will You forsake me

God has know used this song twice now to remind me that he has not forsaken me. He is still with me and will never leave me. 

The second song that played was: I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe.  Here are some of those lyrics:

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see your light is breaking through
The dark night will not over take me
I am pressing into you
Lord you fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as your own
In my shame
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You have always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

I have tried to explain to so many how although I hurt deeply and miss my son more than words can say, that I do know the light of the Lord is shining down on me and he is defending me in this battle, fighting for me to remain faithful so that he can bring healing to my soul.  Thank you Lord.

What we need most…

Sometimes being understanding is more important than being right.  We don’t always need an exceptional mind that speaks a lot of knowledge but a patient heart that listens to what we need to say.  We don’t need eyes that find fault in our choices but open arms that accept us for who we are.  We don’t need a finger that points out our errors and shames us, but tender hands that lead us the right way. 

If more people listened instead of trying to have all the answers or trying to one up the other person, maybe we would be able to hear what the person is trying to communicate but doesn't know how.  If we stopped trying to find what is wrong with everyone else and start focusing more on what's wrong with us maybe we would have more healthy relationships.  If we stopped focusing on all the bad decisions people have made and started looking at the right ones they have made maybe we would have more love and compassion for those who struggle most.  It's the ones who struggle and sin the most that need our love and compassion the most. 

If you can change your thoughts, you can change your life.

I am always fighting an internal battle with my thoughts.  Our nature is to over think, over analyze, and find all the answers.  Even though life is moving forward, our thoughts are focused on the past to the point it is consuming our future.  This is exactly what the enemy wants us to do.  Our thoughts shape our lives, they control how we speak to people, how our relationships are.  Unless we are struggling with a serious mental illness, we have the ability to change our thoughts and focus on what matters.  We are called to have the same mindset as Jesus.  If we fill our minds with the Word of God it will be easier for us to change the way we think by focusing on the promises of God.  “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts” – Proverbs 4:23

I have several times a day where a thought about my son’s death pops up.  I begin to question how we didn’t know, what caused his choice to take his life, who is at fault, why did this happen, and so on.  I could allow myself to wallow in that pain and sadness but I am afraid if I do I would never come out of it.  Psalm 56:3 says “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you”.  I remind myself that none of that is going to change anything.  I focus on God’s word and his promises and move forward in faith.  I will not let the good memories and my son’s life be overtaken by negative evil thoughts.  Faith does not spare us from the pain but when life is toughest is when real faith shows up. 

Focus on Jesus not the situation

I am always refocusing my mind because Satan is trying to get me to think of the bad things and the bad memories in order to tear me down.  I always need to refocus.  Let's not focus on the situation or the problem that we are facing but instead focus on our Savior.  He is the solution to our situation.  If we get our mind off ourselves and onto Jesus our problem will lessen.  Jonah 2:7 says "When I lost all hope, I once again turned my thoughts to the Lord."  When you lose all hope focus on Jesus.  Remember what Jesus did for us.  He was tortured and died on the cross so that we can be forgiven of all our sins and have eternal life.  Jesus knew what the outcome was of his life but he didn't focus on that pain he focused on the gain of giving eternal life to us all.  When we focus on Jesus, his life, and his sacrafice our problems and situations don't seem so big. 

 

 

Do we become bitter or better?

We don’t have a choice about whether or not bad things happen to us.  Bad things happen all the time.  Whether it is someone doing you wrong, or something that happens, like the loss of a loved one.  The only choice we have is how we respond to the wrong done to us.  Do we let it build up into resentment and anger or do we let it go and allow God to make us better? 

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”. Hebrews 12:14-15

If we learn to forgive the wrongs done of others we find peace and with peace come true joy.