Too quite

I realized this weekend that those peaceful quite times I used to cherish are no longer such a blessing.  It's in those still and quite moments that my mind thinks to much and the pain becomes unbearable.  I feel this battle going on inside me...on the one side I think of all of the questions, the vision of my boy that day, the thoughts of the life that he will never have the chance to live, the future memories that will never come, the pain that he must of felt to have done what he did...on the other side I feel this sense of peace, that we will be ok, that Tommy is at peace, and everything is going to be ok.  It's so hard.... I tried to explain to my husband this weekend the burden I feel of not knowing how to go on without him.  How do we just live and be happy without him here?  How do I love and give to others with such a large void in my own heart?  I know we have to live our lives and "move on" but the only way that can happen is one day at a time.  I look back over the last month and wonder how I made it this far.  I wish I could feel my boy or hear his voice and know for sure that he is at peace....but how do I know that it is not him giving me the sense of peace and strength to go on.  I still have so many moments in time where I think he is still here and is going to walk through my door but he never does and reality sets in that he never will.  God, I don't understand why I have to go through this but I trust that you are with me and will turn this horrible thing into something good.

Psalm 138:7 Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive.  When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power.  

1 Peter 5:10  And after you suffer for a short time, God, who gives all grace, will make everything right.  He will make you strong and support you and keep you from falling.  He called you to share in his glory in Christ, a glory that will continue forever.  

Psalm 46:1  God is our protection and our strength.  He always helps in times of trouble.  The Lord All-Powerful is with us: the God of Jacob is our defender.