My strength comes from the Lord

People are always saying to me... I am in awe of your strength, your strength is amazing, you are so strong, and so on.  Well I am NOT strong but my God is.  If I were on my own I would honestly be curled up in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out each and every day.  Don't get me wrong, I have those moments but they are moments and then I get up and keep forging ahead.  I can't even fully comprehend myself where this strength comes from. I know it has to come from my Savior because it is his promise to carry us in our time of weakness and give us strength when we are weak.  I look back of the last month and have no idea how I have made it this far but I do one day at a time.  I pray daily for the Lord to fill my heart and mind with happy memories and to give me the strength and direction I need to keep Tommy's memory alive and help others while healing myself.  Each person is different and for whatever reason God made me to find a purpose in all the pain of my life.  I have had more pain in my life then one person should even have to endure and in all honestly I am surprised myself that losing my son did not push me over the edge.  I am wired to not give up I guess. I am not even 40 years old yet and I have experienced growing up without a father, sexual abuse as a child, rape as a teen, the loss of my first husband, the loss of my mother, and now the loss of my son.  I start to ask myself why, what did I do to deserve this life...but then I realize the real question is what am I going to do about it.  I have the option of letting it consume me, letting it make me become angry and bitter, letting it control my decisions and life OR I can learn from it, let it go, trust in the Lord to make good out of the bad, and choose to continue to follow the light and truth of the Jesus.  I am fortunate though that my mind is my own and I do not currently struggle with mental illness that often controls our thoughts.  My children have always been my reason for living.  I have always and will continue to always be strong for them and fight for them.  Death will not change that.  My son is with me, I know he is watching over us and is proud of the things we are doing.  Tommy cared for others deeply even though he didn't always know how to express it, you could see it in him.  I am so incredibly grateful that I had the time I did with him. I am so thankful for the memories, for his smile, and for his goofy laugh.  Those are the things I will carry with me always and forever.