Just Breath

9/5/14 - There are days that are so much harder then others.  I have moments in time where I feel like I am suffocating and it takes everything I have to just breath.  I feel like someone has their hand around my heart and they just keep squeezing.  I know this is grief but never experienced grief so crushing.  I am still amazed that I haven't gone crazy or completely lost it but I know that is becasue my Lord is with me, carrying me in times I can't do it myself.  I know my God is surrounding me with his love and people to keep me built up.  The battle of grief keeps raging, but I refuse to have it knock me down.  I know that I am here for a purpose.  Tommy's life has meaning and purpose but so will his death.  I know that he accepted the Lord and had a good heart and God sees our heart.  I believe that is what matters to God most, not the decisions made out of a unhealthy mind.  I wish I had the ability to see God's plan through all this.  I am certain he will make something beautiful out this tragic and painful experience.  Someone recently said to me "it makes me think that you and Cory must be doing some amazing things in God's kingdom for Satin to attack you so brutally".  It made me realize that if I allow this to consume me and I allow the anger and pain to ruin my purpose then Satin wins and I will not let him win. 

My son Tommy was my strength in dark times when I didn't know the Lord.  He was my faith, my reason for living.  He stood by me and loved me through my journey to find my relationship with Christ.  My life was blessed for almost 20 years with a boy that would light up my world with just a smile or a hug.  I will miss that each and every day and my heart aches to see him in person one more time.  To tell him how sorry I am that I couldn't fix this for him.  To tell him how incredibly much I am going to miss him and how deeply I loved him.  I know he knows these things already but how I wish I could have one more moment to breath his scent and kiss him.  I know we have to live on but it just feels wrong to go through life without him in it.