I am alive even though a part of me has died.

I had a conversation with a woman who lost her son a few months back.  We were talking about how some people say, “I can’t believe how well your doing” or they look at you like you didn’t love your child enough because you are able to move on.  She said it best: “I had two choices; I can kill myself or keep living my life”.  It’s so true, I wonder what people expect.  Every single minute of every single day, I miss my son.  If I wanted to, I could allow myself to go to a very dark place and think about how I found him that day, how badly he must have been hurting, the questions of why and what and so on.  Trust me if I let myself stay there too long, I don’t think I could ever come out the other side, but I pray and other pray and I keep my focus on the things that keep me moving forward.  I have daughter that needs me to be strong and be there for her.  I have pregnant daughter in-law that needs someone there for her through this pregnancy and the journey of becoming a new single mom.  I have a grandbaby coming that will need me to tell her all of the stories about her dad.  I have purpose for my pain; to educate others on the suicide and depression and break the stigma.  People look at me and think I am strong but they don’t see me when I am alone, the tears I cry, the pain I feel, the weakness I feel is so overwhelming at times I wonder how I will survive BUT I always do and that credit goes to a powerful God and the Holy Spirit in me!  I am ALIVE even though a part of me has DIED.  I have to keep going even when I don’t want to.  I would do ANYTHING in my power to have my son back but NOTHING will bring him back so all I can do is live my life and continue to fight to keep his memory alive and take care of those he left behind.  He is now our angel watching over us and I will have a chance to hold him again someday.  I miss him more than words could even come close to explaining.  My heart aches for him, my eyes long to see his smile, my arms stretch in hopes of embracing him, my ears desire to hear those words, I love you mom, one more time and NOTHING will make that go away or make this journey any easier.   The prayers of all those around us helps provide us strength and encouragement to move forward.  Thank you for that!