My worst nightmare come true.

9/3/14

It's been 16 days since my whole life changed.  8/18/14 will forever remain in my mind the day my worst nightmare came true.  It was a normal day like any other.  I went to work and kept busy until a message came through my phone from Tommy;s girlfriend and said that I needed to call him because he text her an hour beforehand that he was going to kill himself.  I called and no answer.  I wanted to freak out but I tried to remain calm and grabbed my stuff telling my boss that I had to run out to check on my son.  I drove calmly and got to the house and walked in yelling his name.  When I went to his room, the door was shut and I thought maybe he was just sleeping.  I opened the door and my whole world fell apart.  My son had hung himself.  I cried out why oh God why.  I tried to find a knife to cut him down, I called 911, and tried to hold him up until they arrived.  I knew that he was gone because his color was blue and he was cold but every part of me wanted him to be alive. 

My son and I had a bond that no one could really understand.  I lost my first husband, Tommy's dad, when he was only 3 years old.  That was such a difficult time for me and Tommy was the light of my world that kept me going.  His smile was all I needed to make a bad day good.  Now my heart aches and hurts so much because I know I will never see his smile in person again.  The last time I held my baby boy he was cold and anyone that knew Tommy knows that he was always sweaty and hot.  

I have so many questions, so many why's, and so many things I can't make sense of in my head. How did I not know he was that depressed?  Why didn't he call me?  What happened that triggered his brain to think this was his only option.  I know my son.  I loved my son.  So many people loved my son.  Why was it not enough?  I know that he loved us deeply and he would not want us hurting this way so why would he do this?  The only thing that makes sense to me is that he was unable to think rationally.  His brain was not healthy.  Tommy always thought of others.  He took time to let people know he cared.  He always seems so happy on the outside but we all knew he struggled on the inside with addiction and depression.  However, no one realized just how bad this struggle really was.  I mean how could we? He always seemed ok and mostly happy.  He told us he was struggling and we took him to see a doctor two weeks before this dreadful day.  They even prescribed him anti-depressants.  I don't understand but I have come to realize that I never will and none of these answers will bring my boy back.  

Tommy was so much to so many.  He was a friend, a brother, a cousin, an uncle, a soon to be father, and a boyfriend.  He was funny, goofy, sweet, tender, kind, loving, and gorgeous.  People always complemented him on his smile and green eyes.  My heart will forever have a void but our faith is what will get us through this.  I have strength that can only come from the Lord.  I honestly don't know how I am even standing most days.  There are times where it takes every ounce of energy I have just to take a breath but the breath always comes.  I want to be angry but I am not, I have a peace that it un-explainable.  Yes, I hurt deeply.  Yes, I think of my son every moment of the day and miss him more then words could ever say.  Yes I feel as though a piece of me is missing and I will never be whole again.  But even with all of that I keep on living each day through faith.  My son will be remembered for the amazing man that he was.  His life and death will have meaning and help others if I have anything to say about it.  He was a light to so many while he was here on earth and he will continue to be now that he is at peace in the arms of our Lord.