I wonder sometimes if people really have a clue just how difficult it is just to get through the day. All around you people are laughing and living their life as though nothing happened but I am struggling just to breath, to think, to work, to cook, to do all the things we once found so normal and easy are now so hard. I know many people try to understand but how can they really if they never experienced it themselves? It's interesting how those who you think would be there for you, support you, and help you when you need it just continue to put expectations on us that are just not realistic sometimes.
I think we are doing ok for what we are going through but there are times that even the simple things seem impossible. We keep pushing on but then there are some people that wonder why we are not doing more, why we are not living up to their expectations. They complain to us about how bad their life is. I get so angry and frustrated because I think that everyone should be more understanding, more compassionate, and more helpful. We lost our son in a most horrific way.
We have had so many people come and help us that we barely even know or we never would have expected help from but the ones we thought we could rely on most are nowhere. I know God is bringing those people we need to us and new friendships have formed. I wish there was someway I could properly explain just how hard it is, how guilty I feel everytime I laugh or those times I am so busy I forget that my son is gone forever. I know we are supposed to live on and trust in the Lord but it is a continuous battle that takes everything out of me.
I personally have the stuggle of what doctors call PTSD. The overwhelming feeling of loss and fear. I am relive and experience the trama of finding Tommy the way that I did. Those flashbacks grip my heart and keep me from falling asleep or wake me up out of dead sleep. It's something I will always have to live with and I had that I have to. Most people can't understand that.
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