The reality of Christmas..

The Christmas season is meant to be a joyful time in which we give gifts and spend time with those we love while celebrating the ultimate gift of Jesus Christ.  As I go through this holiday season I am trying to find joy but my heart aches for the missing piece of my heart.  I spend time serving others with family all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I laugh and eat our favorite foods all while thinking Tommy should be here.  I play with my granddaughter and smile as she giggles all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I search for the perfect gifts for those I love all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  I make plans with friends and family all the while thinking Tommy should be here.  In everything I do, every time I laugh, every time I cry, every time I plan, I am missing my son because he should be here with us.  I focus primarily on the good things he is missing here with us but when I stop and think of how beautiful and joyous it must be for him in Heaven I realize I am only being selfish.  Revelation 21:4 tells us “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  Tommy no longer feels the pain he did when he was here.  He no longer has to suffer from addiction, depression, or anxiety.  He never again has to feel like he is not worth anything.  He no longer has to cry or feel alone ever again.  Every day in heaven is beautiful, bright, joyous and peaceful.  I feel so often that it is not fair for me and my family to have to suffer through life without Tommy, but it is also unfair for us to go through life without true joy when we know Tommy is in a place of peace and love. Psalms 34:18 assures us “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  This alone if we let it set deep in our soul should bring us joy.  It won’t take away the pain or longing for his presence.  It won’t take away how much we miss his hugs and laughter.  However, some peace and joy can be found this season in the fact that he is in the arms of Jesus!  His light is shining bright in the heavens above.  He left us a gift in Esperanza, our HOPE.  He left us the gift of memories we shared through the nineteen years of his life.  He left us the gift of an abundant amount of pictures with his award winning smile.  I will never understand suicide or the reasons in which so many feel that is the only answer.  I will always empathize with the many families who have to endure such a tragedy and learn to live beyond the questions, anger, and pain.  Our hope and peace can only come from the Lord who holds close those who are suffering and who calms those who are afraid.  Romans 8:18 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Psalms 18:28 “For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.”