Your last words

One year ago my worst nightmare became a reality and our lives were forever changed when we lost our son Tommy by suicide.  Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like forever ago since I hugged my boy.  I miss him just as much today as I did months ago.  People say the pain of loss gets easier with time.  I don’t think that it gets easier you just learn how to adjust to it with time.  My heart hurts just as much now as it did that dreadful day.  I still have the same questions I did that day.  I still cry often and feel a void in life however I have learned how to hold onto the memories and keep him present in my life daily.  I don’t ever want to forget him, not that I ever could but sometimes we get so busy that it seems almost possible and the thought of that scares me.  He will always be a part of me and my daily life, ALWAYS. 

The last thing my son typed on his facebook page before he took his life was “Remind me again what I’m good for, hahah jk I already know”.  The last words he scribbled on a sheet of paper was “Don’t blame yourself”.  How do any of these words help?  I had no idea that there was a note left until days after his death because as I was in the room with him that dreadful day I was more consumed with the prayers that he somehow survive this then I was with searching around for clues.  When I found out there was a note I hoped it would give me some sort of clue as to what he was thinking and why he would have done this.  Was there anything I could have said or done?  How could I have no clue things where so terribly wrong inside his head?  How could I not have known that he was at the end of his fight?  What I do know is that none of the answers to those questions will ever change the fact that he is gone.. forever. 

Oh my precious son, you were good for so many things.  You were good for smiling the brightest smile that would light up anyone’s day.  You were good for always keeping us on our toes.  You were good for playing with your nieces and nephews as they looked up to you because you were “so cool”.  You were good for making us laugh because of the way you would belt out a song and act like you were Usher but came off more like Bart Simpson.  You were good for being smarter then you acted.  You were good for making people love you just by being exactly who you were and despite the trouble you would get yourself into.  You were good for getting me through some of the most difficult times of my life.  You were good for pointing out things in us that we didn’t really want to see but needed to.  You were good for forgiving people easily.  You were good for loving people for exactly who they were and not trying to change them.  You were good for teaching me the right and wrong way to respond to you when you were upset.  You were good for allowing me to hug and kiss your head whenever I needed to.  You were good for listening to your sister and standing up for her when you needed to.  You were good for us.  You were a good brother, son, uncle, and friend.  You would have been a good father.  There were so many qualities about you that were good.  Your life was worth more than your mind lead you to believe.  I wish you knew how good you were to us and how good you were to have in our lives. 

As for the note, how could any of us not blame ourselves?  Right there that tells me that your mind was not thinking straight to make such a comment.  It was my job as your mother to protect you and somehow I failed and for that I will always blame myself somewhat.  I should have known.  I should have done more.  I should have saved you.  I know that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, but I sure will learn from this and do everything in my power to never let it happen again if at all possible. 

There are so many times over the last year that I have wished this wasn’t my life.  How could this be my life?  How could this happen to my son?  But we don’t get to choose what happens to us nor do we get to question them.  Would we question the good things?  No, but we think we can question the bad.  The life we are given is a gift.  Both good and bad circumstances in our lives are a gift.  Yes it may appear that I have had more bad than good, but that is truly not the case.  In all honestly I probably shouldn’t even be here at all.  I don’t know why this happened but what I do know is that because of it I have a purpose.  I also have your sister and daughter that give me a reason to be brave and continue to fight each day.

I choose to remember the 19+ years that I was blessed to have you in my life as a gift.  From the day you were born and opened up those big eyes and looked right into mine.  As an infant and toddler you would smile and shine those bright eyes to anyone who would look your way.  You had a way of getting people to smile.  Your pre-teens gave us a run for our money as you developed some mad soccer skills along with a mad attitude, but when you wanted to be sweet you were oh so sweet.  As a teenager you still could make my heart melt with your smile and apparently a lot of the girls too.  You were such a cool guy but especially shy unless you had the backup of some friends.  Your laugh would bring a smile to my face quickly.  Many times I would laugh with you because I couldn’t help myself.  I miss the way you would plop yourself on my bed and start a random conversation.  You were always so respectful and loving to everyone in your life even in those times you were struggling. You were an amazing young man.  I was so incredibly blessed to call you my son and so proud of you and all the things you conquered and survived.  I know you knew how much I loved you and I know you loved us with all your heart too.  If there was anything anyone of us could have done we would have.  You are missed today, tomorrow, and always.