Press On

The loss of a child to a mother is like no other for there is a connection to that child through the womb that is not experienced by anyone else in that child’s life.  In the last year, there are days where the burden of the loss consumes me.  Days where my heart, soul, and entire spirit is tired and sorrowful.  I know that it is only through the strength provided by God and the reasons listed below that I have been able to press on. 

JESUS… I do not want to disappoint God and know that He sacrificed His son for our forgiveness and freedom.  God promises He is close to the broken-hearted.  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:4) There’s comfort in knowing that God understands my pain and hurt. I can trust Him to give me strength and peace in the midst of my sorrow.  Trusting Him comes with FAITH.  As a believer in Christ we tend to grieve differently with hope because we know the end of the story.  We live in peace even when life doesn’t make sense and we don’t have all the answers. I know that God is with us and God loves us.  Tommy took his life in a moment of complete despair but he was not alone.  In his legacy we have hope because we know there’s more to the story than just here and now.  We live in a broken world where things aren’t perfect and bad things happen all the time but, our God is good.  The world doesn’t make sense but then I remember that there is a heaven where everything is going to be restored one day. On earth, I will never understand all of God’s ways, but He has promised His peace and presence even during the most difficult times.  The reason I press on is because I believe if I give my heart and soul to Jesus and live my life even in the darkest times for his glory, I will see my son again someday.  So through the storms I will praise Him, because I will not allow Satan to win this battle. 

MY HUSBAND… Cory is an amazing man of God.  He is our rock and our constant reminder that when God wants someone to be used for His glory, He always gets his man.  Often times, people look at Cory as immature and goofy so they don’t take the time to see the amazing character and quality that lies underneath.  They don’t realize that the goofiness is often a coping mechanism for the insecurities and pain he feels.  This man has the biggest heart of anyone I know and loves to serve our God by pouring into youth.  His greatest concern is the salvation of those in his life.  He is far from perfect and often makes mistakes but works hard to be the best that he can be for us and for his congregation and youth. He is a great example of a man who is led by the Holy Spirit and not his own selfish desires.  I press on because sometimes I am the only person who gives Cory the encouragement and support that he is worthy of and the thought of him not having that is unimaginable.

MY DAUGHTER….Makaya is my precious gift and also my payback for all the heartache and attitude I gave my mom.  Makaya is more like me then she probably want to be.  She is extremely motivated and adventurous but also insecure and emotional.  She is tough and has been through more than any 17 year old girl should have to experience.  Her heart loves deeply and because of that the price of loss is abundant heartache.  She knows exactly what she wants out of life and relationships and deliberately works towards those aspirations.  She is gorgeous but doesn’t really know or accept it.  She is humble, kind, sweet, and sassy.  She is and always will be my little girl who enjoys many of the same things I do and who needs to cuddle with her mommy when she is having a rough night. My bright eyed girl is so incredibly brave but she still needs me.  I press on because I can’t imagine my beautiful girl experiencing anymore pain then she already has. 

MY GRANDAUGHTER… Esperanza (HOPE) is the gift our son and God graciously blessed us.  This treasured bundle of hope is more than I could have ever of imagined.  Her smile can cure any amount of pain.  The way she looks into my eyes at times brings me to a place of peace because I see her daddy looking back at me through those eyes.  She already has so many characteristics and features of her daddy.  God knew that we would need this gift to get us through some of our roughest days.  Espi will always know who her daddy is and how much he loves her because that is our purpose in her life.  I press on because I want to see only the best for this little princess and make sure that she knows what an amazing man her daddy was.