A letter from Tommy

Hey guys, how’s it going?  It’s been over a year since I have seen you.  That’s because one day last August I got upset and felt like there was no meaning or hope in my life.  I felt like I was worthless and the world would be better off without me, so I took a belt and tied it around my neck and ended the pain that I was feeling.  I was not able to think about anything beyond the pain I was feeling in that moment.  The pain was unbearable.  I didn’t think about who would find me or the pain that this one act would cause to my family and friends.  I didn’t want anyone to find me, especially my mother because I now know the pain and agony that day and her seeing me like that will cause her the rest of her life.  I didn’t stop to wonder if there was another option because this was the only option I saw.  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to end the intense pain.

I have now missed my 20^th Birthday, Christmas with my family, my mom, dad, and sister’s birthdays, supporting my sister for her dance competition and school activities, and so much more.  I wasn’t able to go camping with my family (not that I really like the outdoors anyway), attend concerts, play with my dogs, or do all the fun activities with my family.  But mostly I missed seeing that beautiful daughter of mine born.  I was there watching over her, but I couldn’t physically support Cassie or cut the cord of my baby girl.  I was so happy to see my best friend Keegan there to support Cassie when I couldn’t.  I am so thankful that Esperanza, our HOPE, is with you all now so that you have a piece of me to help you smile.  I will never know what the future could have held for me.  There are so many things I never had the chance to say to so many people.  I hope you all know how much I loved you in my own way and appreciated each of you in my life.  I know I was loved deeply by many even though at the time I couldn’t see it.

I do know that I have caused my family incredible pain and suffering and that my Mom, Dad, Brother Mike, Sister, and daughter will never get over me leaving them.  They will never fully understand why I did what I did not matter how hard they try.  I know that my Mom suffers from PTSD and has anxiety attacks now because of me.  I know that I ruined my sisters first day of her junior year and that my sister refuses to talk about losing me, hates how sad it is for her and often cries alone more than she should.  I know that my Dad and Brother both deal with depression and deep guilt over what I did and even understand because they feel that pain too.  I know that Cassie doesn’t know what to do or feel most of the time and has guilt too.  I know I will never be able to take that trip for my 21^st Birthday with my family to Vegas.  But no one is to blame, not even me.  I had a mental illness.  I died from an illness caused by an imbalance of certain chemicals in my brain.  I really had no control over my own mind at that point because if I had been able to think past the pain, I would have realized that my daughter needed me, my sister needed me, and my family and friends would be devastated without me. 

I cannot believe how wrong I was to react the way I did.  I wish I would have called my mom, because I know she would have come in an instant and stood by my side to get me all the help I needed to recover from this illness.  I should have taken the anti-depressant medication that was prescribed to me weeks earlier instead of using drugs to cope with the pain.  I should have talked to my friends and family about what I was really feeling instead of trying to act like I was ok.  I should have made my relationship with God a priority over my relationships with others.  I wish I would have taken my illness more seriously and received the help that was needed to make me healthy again, but I didn’t and now it’s too late.  It’s not too late for you though!  PLEASE be open and honest about your struggles.  Reach out to those you love and ask for help!  Listen to your doctor and know that it is OK to take medication for an illness.  It’s OK to seek professional help if you feel like your life is worthless, because it’s NOT.  Don’t leave your family and friends behind.  Don’t miss out on birthdays, holidays, and family trips.  DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your mental illness and seek help before it’s too late. 

Well I have to go for now, got work to do up here in heaven!  I’ll be seeing you, even though you can’t see me you will know I am with you always!

Love ya, Tommy