The pain runs deep..

It is hard to even begin to put into words how my heart still aches so deeply.  I watch as a dad hugs and kisses the top of his son’s head when dropping him off at school and my heart clenches with pain as I am reminded that I will never get to feel that way again with my son.  I sit across from a friend who shares with me the guilt she feels every time she sees me with her son and my throat constricts as I hold back tears because I am heartbroken that she has to feel this way but if I am being honest with myself I do find myself thinking how lucky others are to still have their sons when mine is gone.  I find myself getting a bit angry at the disrespectful things I see on facebook, like the “what is my mental disorder?” questionnaire that labels people as schizophrenic or bi-polar like is a joke.  Mental illness is real and serious and not something to poke fun at, but I am sure these people do not realize that such things can be hurtful to people who are actually effected by it.  Everything around me reminds me of Tommy and brings the pain of him being gone to the surface over and over.  God provides me peace and comfort but the pain and reality of it is still there.  Some days the pain is so un-bearable I feel as though there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I wonder if I will ever really be able to breathe again but then I cry out to God and put my trust in him and the pressure subsides for a while and I am able to move on.  I may be weak but thank the Lord his spirits strong in me!