The roller coaster

I have been in a bit of a funk over the past several weeks and been having a difficult time dealing with it let alone putting into words.  I am sure it is part of the “grief roller coaster” along with some post-traumatic stress, hormones, and life circumstances all rolled into one.  My heart has been heavy and I have found myself disappointed a lot.  I am disappointed in myself for not dealing with situations and people better.  I am disappointed that this is my life, because I expected my life to be so different.  I am disappointed that I have such a difficult time keeping the negative thoughts from my mind.  I am disappointed that I don’t always recognize the blessings, because I am too often consumed with the pain.  I am disappointed that I am such an emotional mess and my family is the one who has to deal with it.  I am disappointed in people and their lack of understanding, compassion, and love for people who are hurting.  The things I find solace in are the quite times I have in God’s presence, the few times I get to hold my 17 year old daughter (which isn’t often), the times I get to snuggle with my grandbaby, and the times God uses me to help another.  I know this season of disappointment is just that, a season.  I know that it is part of the transformation to become this new person I am becoming.  There are moments that I smile instead of cry, because I know my son experienced joy and love in his life even though there was pain in his mind.  I find peace in knowing he is no longer hurting and is resting in God’s presence, but the selfishness in me wants him here.  All of this is by far more then I could ever handle on my own and so I am so incredibly thankful for Jesus and the strength and peace he bestows upon me every day.