Tired

I am feeling so tired lately.  I am physically and emotionally tired.  Every part of me is tired.  My hands, my heart, my eyes, my body, my head, and my whole being and soul are tired.  I think all the pain and heartache is wearing me down and all I can do it ask for God to take it all away.  I often want so much to just get away from it all and escape into myself, but I know that I need to be here for the plan God has for me in all of this.  It’s a constant battle to be present and stay positive.  Some days it takes everything I have to not allow myself to be consumed by the darkness and terror in my head.  It takes so much energy to keep faith and continue on when your heart in broken into pieces and your head plays your worst nightmare over and over in your head.  I act like I am tough and doing ok but I often feel like I am not strong enough to shoulder all of this pain and responsibility.  I disappoint myself because I question God sometimes.  It all seems so unfair.  I feel at times that I don’t have what it takes to survive this.  All I can do is give God everything completely because He is the only one that can give me the strength and direction that I so desperately need.  Each day I push on doing what I can because I trust God even though I have moments I question Him.  I know that He can take this pain and turn it into a purpose for my life and his kingdom.  Psalms 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

The reality of Mother’s Day this year……

Mother’s Day this year will be the first of which I have to go through without my son Tommy and the second without my mom.  I won’t hear my son say “Happy Mother’s Day” or “I love you mom”.  I won’t receive the funny cards and the hand written notes of affection he would give me.  I won’t get to spend the day with my two children and appreciate how blessed I am to have them both in my life.  As a mother who is grieving a child, Mother’s Day will require a large amount of strength and patience as I encounter others who don’t know what to say and who often say the wrong things.  This grief is something that no one should have to bear and difficult for anyone to understand who hasn’t gone through it themselves.  As child who has a mother no longer living it will be very hard to see others enjoying their mothers while I am not only grieving my mother but also my son.  It’s all incredibly unfair and heartbreaking but I know to get through it all I have to focus on the blessings I have in front of me.  To celebrate both my mother and Tommy on this special day by speaking their names and keeping their memories alive in everything we do.  The truth is I will always love my son and I will always be his mother. 

This is a poem that I find comfort in.......

Last night while I was trying to sleep,

 My son's voice I did hear,

 I opened my eyes and looked around

 But he did not appear.

 He said, "Mom, you've got to listen,

 You've got to understand,

 God didn't take me from you, mom,

 He only took my hand.

 When I called out in pain that day,

 The moment that I died,

 He reached down and took my hand,

 And pulled me to His side.

 He pulled me up and saved me

 From the misery and pain.

 My body was hurt so badly,

 I could never be the same.

 My search is really over now,

 I've found happiness within,

 All the answers to my empty dreams

 And all that might have been.

 I love you all and miss you so,

 And I'll always be nearby.

 My body's gone forever,

 But my spirit will never die.

 And so, you must all go on now,

 And live, and understand...

 God did not take me from you,

 He only took my hand."

 -Author Unknown