The things you'll miss....

I wonder…

Today would have been your 20^th birthday and it hurts my heart so deeply that you are not here to celebrate.  I sit and wonder what career you might have had, what would you have said the first time you saw your baby, would you have married, would you have played soccer again, would you be gray in your old age or maybe bald?  I think of all the things you are going to miss out on… your beautiful daughter growing up, your sisters dance recital, your sisters graduation, your sister’s wedding, my 40^th birthday and all the birthdays thereafter, your dad becoming ordained as a minister, your 21^st birthday and the trip that we had planned.  It saddens me that I will never know these things.  It breaks my heart that you won’t be here to share in these events.  I miss your smile.  I miss you laugh.  I miss our lunch dates.  I miss the times you would fall onto my bed and just talk to me about nothing.  I miss your stinky boy smell.  I miss the times you stressed me out and made me worry…because I would do anything to have those times over not having you at all.  I am going to miss you hanging out with me at your sister’s dance competitions.  I miss cooking you your favorite meals.  I just miss you so much.  I know I have to go on.  I know I have to be strong for your sister and for myself.  I know you would want us to be happy but how can we ever be fully happy without you?  Nothing will ever be the same because you are not a part of it.  I know that you are ok, you are my angel above.  I know that we will be ok and we will keep moving on.  But I want you to know that there will never be a day that you are not thought of, loved, and missed dearly in our lives.  I felt your embrace the other morning and your whispered I love you mom but it doesn’t take the place of feeling your actual arms around me and your hair against my cheek.  I love you forever and always and that will never change until we see each other face to face again.