Fear or Faith

On Sunday our Pastor preached on Fear and Faith.  These two things really hit close to home for me in so many ways.  It got me thinking about how grateful I am for my faith and how without it I am not sure I would still be here today.


I feared a lot of things on August 18, 2014 when I found my son Tommy’s lifeless body after he hung himself.   Since that day my fears have been something I have struggled with continuously.  I feared that this loss would crush us all.  I feared that I would not be able to survive the pain I felt as my heart broke into a million pieces.  I feared that no one would care.  I feared that you would go to hell for taking your own life.  I feared that I would never find joy in my life again.  I feared that your baby daughter would never know her Daddy.  I feared everyone would forget the good things about you and only remember the bad.  I feared I would forget your smell, forget the way your hugs felt, forget the way your hair smelled when I kissed your head, forget the sound of your voice when you said “I love you mom”. I feared that you may not be in heaven with our God.  I feared that I would never be able to get the image of how you looked that day out of my head.  I feared that my heart would stop beating and I would stop breathing because the pain of losing you was so great.  I feared that people would wonder what kind of parent I was.  I feared that if this could happen to my son, this could happen to anyone I love.  I feared that the pain I was feeling might get so great that I would someday want to join my son. 

How do you react to fear?  How will you react to fear when your world comes crashing down around you? 

I remember hearing scripture repeated in my ear as I cried out to God that day.  God’s word and Spirit helped keep me going during a time I wanted to give up. 

Psalm 56:3-4  When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise – In God I trust and am not afraid. 

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, because I’m with you; don’t be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I’m truly helping you. I’m surely upholding you with my victorious right hand.”

Deuteronomy 31:8  The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

1 Thessalonians 3:7  So we have been greatly encouraged in the midst of our troubles and suffering, dear brothers and sisters, because you have remained strong in your faith.

Mark 4:40  He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

I realized in those moments that the foundation I had built on Jesus Christ, the faith I had in His promises, and the trust I had in His word would be the only thing that could get me through this great loss.  I would cling to it with the little bit of strength I had in order to survive for my family and to keep my son’s name and memory alive. 

I have seen firsthand that God provides us strength and peace that passes all understanding.

Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I have personally felt how God comforts and restores those with a broken spirit and heart.  I know in my heart that our Lord comforts those who are crushed in spirit and may feel the only option is to end their life because of his word and because His son Jesus died for ALL our sins.

Psalm 34:18  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Psalm 147:3  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Revelation 21:4  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Psalm 73:26  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I remember that day and the days following asking God to give me strength and show me the purpose in the pain.  I refused to allow this horrible situation destroy me.  I know that Satan thought he could win the battle with me and my son, but little did he know that we accepted and love an awesome God that will not forsake or leave us even after we have sinned because the Lord knows our hearts. 

FAITH.  I decided that I would continue on and with Each Breath of Faith I would remember, honor, and love my son just as I did while he was alive.  FAITH is the answer to FEAR.  There are going to be things that will happen in our life that will evoke a fear and if we allow it, it will control and possible ruin our life and steal our joy.  However, Gods word is our refuge and His promises give us faith to believe He is with us always and will turn even the worst circumstances into something good if we allow Him to control our hearts and His word to control our minds. 

2 Corinthians 5:7  For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the assurances of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 

Matthew 17:20  For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move”, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

Hebrews 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. 

If we believe in God the Father, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ... we HAVE to believe in His promises and the love he has for us and in doing so have FAITH that not only will our God comfort our loved ones who were hurting so deeply that they take their own life to end the pain, but that He will comfort us as well. 

How will you respond to FEAR?  I hope that you respond in FAITH. 

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave or forsake you.