The light will come

The nightmare that I and many other families live every day is so very hard to put into words.  When you lose someone you love to suicide it’s a pain like no other.  We continue to move on and live our lives the best we can, but at any moment a crushing blow of reality can hit us and knock us to the core.  How could this be our reality?  How could my son do this to himself, to us?  Why didn’t he ask for help?  Why didn’t he hang on one more day?  Nothing makes sense and no answers will ever bring peace to the situation no matter how hard we try.  We try to understand the reality of mental illness and how their brain is hijacked, but it’s a complex thing to grasp if you have never experienced it firsthand.  It’s difficult to let go of the what if’s and the why me’s no matter how much we want to.  It’s especially difficult to let go of the images that haunt us if we were the unfortunate one to have found them that dreadful day.  Our only desire is to remember our loved one for the amazing, loving, sweet, kind, funny, and giving individuals they were while alive, but the painful void of not understanding and missing them often weighs us down.  Yes, we all want to continue to live our lives, find peace, find happiness in the midst of all the pain, and remember our loved ones in a positive light but suicide is painful, dark, and un-comprehensible to say the least.  There are slivers of light that we see as each day passes.  A child is born, a sign sent from heaven, a letter found, a song is heard…all of which show us the beauty and light of our loved one that left far too soon.  We find ways to remember the happy times and share the stories of the love and joy they brought to our lives.  Each day passes and more light appears until finally we are able to soak it all in but there will always be cracks that although filled by light will never fully go away.  These loved ones and the void they left will always be a part of us but light will shine through our broken hearts again.   

I belong....

I did not grow up a believer and come from a family where many live their lives for themselves and not for the Lord.  I have been asked and know that many wonder how I can praise God through all I have been through.  How can you praise Jesus even though you have been abused, lost a husband to drunk driving, lost your mother to cancer, never knew your father, and then lost your first born and only son to suicide?  This question still amazes me.  How could I not?  I honestly don’t think I could have ever survived these things without Jesus.  Because of the love I have in my heart and the Holy Spirit in me, there are no circumstances that could possibly ever change who I forever am in Christ.  Maybe since my life was changed after accepting Christ into my heart and life long before I had to deal with the devastating loss of my son….it never has crossed my mind to turn my back on the only Lord who has been there for me through it all.  Turn my back on or deny the Lord who gives me strength and peace that passes all understanding?  Instead, I praise Jesus and draw closer during this time.  I have lived without Jesus and know what that is like and don’t ever want to be in that position again.  Jesus brings me joy and peace and the chance to be free from my past mistakes.  Nobody else can offer me that!  I am not going to lie, I don’t understand why I have to experience so much pain and loss in one lifetime.  It’s hard and it hurts down to the core, but I know that my trust and faith through it all will bring glory to God.  I will take the pain as long as I can praise Jesus through it all.  Regardless of what happens, I will always belong to Jesus.